Childhood Strong willed child/train up a child victims

[Fadeaway]

Any other victims of Dobson or the Pearls around?

For those who don't know these are popular "bible based" parenting books that are known for advocating baby beating and child abuse. Children have died at the hands of parents who followed the advice.

My grandparents where big fans of Dr. Dobson, and I suffered as a result. I know more and more victims are telling there stories due to the repopularization of it due to the Duggar family.

It scares me that books advocating beating infants, starving children, intentionally causing causing hypothermia and even animal abuse are still so popular.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not like Dobson. He introduced the infamous teachers grip, pinching a child on the shoulders among other things. I detest the man.

 

[Suzetig]

Me, me, me. My dad fully subscribed to the idea that you needed to break your child's spirit per the Dobson ideaology. What that meant in reality for someone who was a very spirited child was endless beatings, where any response including fear and tears would be a sign that I was still rebellious and needed beating. I grew up in absolute terror of my dad which left me vulnerable in a hundred different ways and contributed significantly to later trauma.

I think he's tempered some of his teaching in recent years but I was raised in the "break in your child as you would a spirited horse" era.

If there's a God, James Dobson will burn in hell.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If there's a God, James Dobson will burn in hell.

lol, thanks for the laugh, I agree.:tup::hug:

 

[NightSky]

Yes, me. I did not suffer beatings as a result. However I was very strong willed and I believe I was treated as if my emotions were to get attention, or to manipulate, so I learned early on to not show emotions. I learned to take everything out on myself. I also think that contributed to my keeping my mouth shut about things that were happening. I would say my will was effectively broken. And I fully blame Dobson for that, especially as I parent my own strong willed children.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I was raised with this belief system. I am pretty sure my mother was convinced that I had the devil in me.
I was not ever "switched" but there was the belt, the yard stick, hair brush, and I think a wooden spoon at one point.
What struck me about this mentality is that a child's actions are seen as inherently who they are.
So, if a child does not listen, is disrespecting, and makes a mess, then the child is inherently selfish and must be corrected. A child is seen as "bad" and the "spanking" is done out "love" and to save the child from a future of sinfulness.
Well, if you know anything about child development, children don't engage in behavior because of inherent "badness".
They try on behaviors like trying on clothes.
They are trying to make sense of their emotions and social world. Disrespect is pushing boundaries and defining identity with a very in the moment brain. So, teaching effective communication is key not busting out the switch.
Making a mess comes from very creative, imaginative play and should be cleaned up and responsibility and care taught, but not seen as the child is inherently lazy, disrespectful and careless. This is not true. It was determined that I was a careless child when I was just really creative, but needed to learn cleaning skills. I was actually overly careful.
Being physically punished inspired me to go through a major risk taking stage as a young kid. It made me behave worse at times.
There are moments where I think what did I honestly do to deserve that?
You can resolve so many issues with consequences. I personally use love and logic.
I believe that my "punishments" as a child were abuse.
I am sure there will be the "spanking is ok" people who will read and poss comment.
In my case, "spanking" f*cked me up as an adult. My spankings were often sexualized as well.

 

[bento]

Oh god I remember Dobson. And Hour of Power, CBN, Bill Gothard, Maranatha,
Jerry Falwell and several Jesus camps for good measure. Good times. No wonder
I turned to sex, drugs and rock and roll :)

And ditto on the "break your spirit" thing. Love the Brother Ali line:
"Try and separate a man from his soul. You only strengthen him, and lose your own."

 

[PointlessExistence]

Somehow, depending on particular circumstances, some kids who are beaten turn into the hard, tough, strong, confident adults. They don't take any shit from anybody and love themselves and feel like they own the world. They never have a sleepless night, and they live life to the fullest with no regrets.

But most end up scared, confused, hurt...broken :(

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, but that is not because of being beaten.
That is in born grit.
A determination to rise up in life, not because of abuse, but as a response to the abuse.

 

[Eagle3]

Man...I was one of those kids....and I read those books on my parents' shelf when I was 9 years old, trying to figure out exactly WHAT my folks wanted from me! I thought my parents were doing the right thing, and I was just a bad kid...now I know better, but I still don't know any other way of relating to authority figures. I'm so petrified of bosses, I haven't been able to hold a job for over 15 years! Yeah, "biblically based" theology in a LOT of areas screwed me up royally...no wonder I latched onto my ethnic heritage (Jewish), study Buddhist meditation, but REFUSE to follow any specific religion. I know the harm those cults can do, and I don't want any part of it anymore! Now I'm highly spiritual, but non-religious....and I will NEVER darken the door of another church again! Unfortunately, even the synagogue tends to bring up trauma, so I rarely go there, either...

In any case, Dobson and his kind are just about forcing square pegs into round holes. It doesn't work, and is so damaging! Now, there are times I do believe spanking should be considered, but its just NOT as often or for the same reasons that Dobson espouses. Kids need love and nurturance, guidance and education, not getting beat for the smallest mistakes or "attitude adjustments".

 

[PointlessExistence]

Yes, but that is not because of being beaten.
That is in born grit.
A determination to rise up in life, not because of abuse, but as a response to the abuse.

Yes! And when it happens it is the child hating the abuser and then turning the hatred into strength. The child is lucky for the fact that he is given a clear enemy. The cases I hear and read about are usually males who had abusive fathers. The abusive father would be so blatantly detestable (often drunkards or all-around ne'er-do-wells disliked or scorned by the entire community) that the son would never have the questions that plague most of us, like "Is it MY fault?" or "Am I bad?". The father wouldn't intersperse kindness here and there. He would just be a bastard 24/7. The child learned at an early age that "dad is the problem". A child with a father like that is more blessed than most of us can imagine.

Most of us, including those brought up by the Dobson method, were handicapped by caregivers who warped our minds and taught us not to believe what we saw with our own eyes. They would teach us "hitting is wrong" and then beat the shit out of us. They would give us a gift one day and withhold dinner the next. These are the parents who gave us the soul-stealing curse of self-doubt, and quite often self-hatred. That's where the true harm is often done. They beat our souls far worse than they could ever beat our bodies.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, I was referring to being beaten with a belt as punishment. Punishment is often a disguise for abuse.