Relationship Just found out husband has had an affair

[Marylou]

Hi
I am new here
My husband and I have been married for seven years with one son.
A year ago, following panic attacks and blackouts he sought counselling.
After this - he sought therapy and then had a number of flashbacks and discovered that he was sexually abused as a child.
He was then diagnosed with ptsd - it has been s difficult year.
Six months ago he decided to move out saying he couldn’t cope with things as he was drinking heavily and taking drugs and he had a break down.
We have been having relationship counselling for the last few months and he has been staying at the house a lot and we’ve been talking towards him possibly moving back.
We went out for dinner on Wednesday night and I thought we were going to be talking about steps to restart and he told me he has been having an affair for the last few months with someone in the office where we both working,
I had accused him of this after seeing one message on his phone and he denied it and made me feel like I was paranoid - that was two months ago.
I have told him I love him and forgive him and want him back and he told me yesterday that he ended it and is making steps to move back home.
I know this is to do with the PTSD (not they he had used it as an excuse), but I am devastated
Can I ever trust him again?

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD doesn't make people cheat. They may have self destructive feelings, sex issues, etc... but they still make the conscious decision to act on them.

 

[Friday]

Can I ever trust him again?

The last I read on this, the average timeline for complete recovery from adultery (including trust, if you're reconciling) is apx 2-5 years from the date of the last affair. That's whether you're reconciling -or- divorcing. Clearly, there're a lot of variables in play. And some people recover sooner, some people faster. But the ball park you're looking at is 2-5 years.

If you're more of a 2 year person? That means you'll probably start trusting him in limited capacity within a few months. Because trust is one of those things that's built up and earned over time, it's not like 2 years from now you'll wake up one morning feeling total trust for your husband after going to bed at night feeling the way you do now.

I know this is to do with the PTSD (not they he had used it as an excuse), but I am devastated

Be really careful with this one. Cheating has to do with PTSD the same way abusing alcohol or drugs, or self-harm, or thrill-seeking does. IE PTSD doesn't cause it. At all. Instead, it's a really shitty coping mechanism. The nice thing about coping mechanisms is that they can be switched out for different/healthier coping mechanisms. The biggest downside I know about coping mechanisms is that they're "explainable". Which means that because you can see "why" someone did something, the tendency is to excuse it... And cross your own boundaries in the process. Reasons aren't excuses. And maintaining boundaries when you know someone's reasons can get reeeeeeeally hard. It's very easy to lose yourself in that process, accepting things you would never otherwise accept, and placing the blame in the wrong place.

... but I am devastated

Of course you're devastated. You have every right to be devastated.

 

[Snowflakes]

You ask if you can trust again. The answer lies within your personality and heart. I know I couldn’t trust again because cheating is probably the only line in the sand I’ve ever been adamant about. Steal from me or be verbally nasty towards me and I’ll learn to trust again but cheating......

That said, I don’t have the right nor desire to impose my thoughts on others but, to answer your question, I think the level and the time needed to trust again would be dependent on how hard and often your husband shows in real actions and words how much he wants to earn your trust back. He could start by never drinking and doing drugs again. He could also start by religiously going to therapy.

Doing all this may be to much for him to do but he will need to swap out destructive coping mechanisms with better ones that both help him and give you reason to trust again.

I truly wish both of you success as you try to rebuild your relationship. Take care of you.

 

[Marylou]

So an update....
My husband finally went back to see his GP on Tuesday and allowed me to come in on the appointment (although he told me afterwards that he regretted it). He is being reffered to the hospital for psychiatric treatment and the doctor thinks he should have more time off sick but he won't do this as A) he is worried about our financial situation - one income family at present - although I have just today secured a new well paid job - hurray! B) throwing himself in to work has been one of his "coping" strategies even though it has made him more ill.
He has stopped drinking and drugs (as of Tuesday) and I know that has been hard for him - however - he is attending a social event tomorrow and has already conceded that he WILL drink but has asked another "friend" to monitor his alcohol consumption for him.
He has been talking in a very frank manner and revealing all of the secrets of the last year and whilst hard to hear - I really appreciate. He is however still saying that he doesn't know if he loves me or can ever love me again (whilst recognising that before the flashbacks that he did), he also is saying that he still has feelings for the other woman and whilst I know he has broken it off a few times i know that she has been in touch with him in the last couple of weeks and he can't be sure that he won't want to pursue a relationship with her in the future.
Right now - he says he needs to focus on his recovery and can't make a decision about whether or not he wants to be with me, her or anyone else until he is well. However, he is considering a move back to our family home - whilst staying in the spare room.
I still absolutely love the bones of him but am i being a doormat here? How can he ever love me again if he has fallen in love with someone else...
Just to give some further context, the other woman is also a victim of child sexual abuse and they "bonded" one night during a post work drinking/drugs session and she opened up about her past and he obviously then felt comfortable to confide in her about his... This led to a sexual and emotional relationship fueled by their mutual love of alcohol and drugs. She is currently going through a divorce (not because of the affair). She is considerably younger than me and has no children and therefore no commitments to anyone - my husband has me and my son who is only five and thinks the world of his Dad even though he has been signficantly absent over the last year.

What should I do????

 

[Suzetig]

In short, yes I think you are being a bit of a doormat. Nothing in me would allow him to move back into the family home while he couldn't be sure whether he wanted a relationship with me, or her, or whoever. I think you're allowing his and her experience of sexual abuse to cloud your thinking and convince yourself he doesn't have control over his choices.

He's married to you, chose to have an affair and now wants the cosy "come home" option while he works out his next steps - presumably once the dust has settled on the other woman's divorce. At which point he'll no doubt have an epiphany where he realises they're meant to be together.

If he wants to restore his marriage, I think he needs to work for it. So, no further contact with other woman under any circumstances, full commitment to therapy and whatever PTSD treatment is deemed necessary by his GP, full abstinence from drink and drugs. I'd also suggest you both stop blaming PTSD and look at whatever is happening in your relationship, that's if he wants to be with you. Only being able to focus on his recovery is completely at odds with him already planning to drink at a social engagement, especially if he/you are saying the infidelity was substance driven.

If he's not sure he loves you, i would make him leave - life is too short to be with someone who (after marriage and a child) isnt sure they want to be with you. I'd also be exploring counselling for yourself to look at how you can "love the bones" of someone who would treat you with such disrespect. You deserve much, much better but for as long as you're prepared to make excuses and accommodate him, he'll keep messing you about.

 

[Marylou]

To be fair to him - he is saying that he isn’t sure if it’s right for him to be at home while he’s unsure..
Have I answered my own question?
The problem is - he seems to think he can “co-parent” easily when I know what the reality of this will be for my son

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do you want your son to grow up watching his father cheat on his mother?

 

[Suzetig]

Lots of people co-parent living apart - if you both can't work together to minimise the impact on your child living apart, you'll not manage it living together in a not-really-sure relationship.

 

[Marylou]

My son is only five and we have both worked hard to limit the impact of this on him.
I meant in terms of my son always expecting “family cuddles” and even though he knows that daddy has been sometimes sleeping at the other house because mummy and daddy were arguing (although in all honesty he hears daddy shouting at mummy and mummy crying) - I think the reality of my husband not ever being around and never seeing us together will be quite different for him.
By the realities of co-parenting, I meant the fact that our son would be living with me and that we would have designated time with him and that it would be far less than he enjoys at the moment

 

[Suzetig]

I very much doubt your son "enjoys" daddy shouting and mummy crying - no matter how hard you've worked to minimise the impact on your child, he will know far more than you want to believe.

I worked with children for many years and they could always tell me pretty accurately what was happening with their parents.

If you want your husband to stay, make that decision because you want it, not because it'll be good for your child. Unless you are both actively committed to reconciliation no matter what, unless you can be fully honest with yourself and your husband about how you feel and what you need from him to move forward it isn't going to be good for your child no matter how you dress it up.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Kids are resilient. My ex husband was a serial cheater. He'd cheat and come back, then cheat again a year later, etc. I was a hot mess during this time because I was desperately trying to save the marriage. He finally took off with another woman when my kids were both under five. They are both grown now and did just fine. They did fine in a stable, calm, single parent household that was happy. I think if I would have stayed and been heartbroken all the time, and they had watched their dad come and go, it would have been much different.

Don't think you HAVE to stay because of your son. Sometimes they're more stable in the "broken" home.