Do i actually like anyone???

[Sideways]

Sounds like a stupid question, but in all seriousness, how do you know if you like someone? Or if they’re important to you? Apart from listing off their positive qualities, how do you really know, “Yeah, I like that person?” What makes that dynamic different? Friends, partners, anyone...

My T asked me whether I liked this guy I’m dating. I have no idea. How do I figure that out?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

how do you know if you like someone?

When we are having a conversation and feelings of liking or loving well up inside of me. This is a very good question to ask. I still struggle with what do I like or do not like and things just not occuring to me because I am still learning how to be a real human being.

How do I figure that out?

Do you have trust for your gut instincts? That took me a really long time to do this even a little bit. But more and more it is happening now that I have given them a chance to let me know how it feels in any given situation. I paid attention to how I am feeling. I am not where I want to be with this and maybe I never will be but it has gotten so much better.

 

[Freida]

Do I look forward to seeing them or do I sigh and say, "ok you can do this"
Do they make me laugh?
Does being around them make me feel like I have a side to me that could be a better person?
Do I think happy thoughts about them when they are not around?

 

[Sideways]

Do you have trust for your gut instincts?

Not really. My gut is too wound up with the anxiety and is just telling me to run. If I base it on my gut, my gut says I’m not interested.

My head is telling me that, objectively, it would be healthy to be in a relationship and all of the meaningful life stuff and human connection that goes with it, and he seems like a good guy to strike up a relationship with.

Once I scrape all that gut and head stuff aside? I’m left with...nothing. There is nothing there.

 

[Sideways]

@Freida - it’s an overwhelming relief when it’s over, and when he’s not around it’s anxiety about our next meet up.

I think he genuinely makes me laugh, but even that’s hard to assess. Because when we’re together, I get pretty fixed in the thought that the whole thing is bizarre. I can see myself sitting there having dinner with him and I’m so preoccupied by thinking “Who the hell is this person? What am I doing” (And that’s about me).

It’s the first relationship like this for me. Ever. So I get that it’s weird and new. But I have no idea if I actually like him. Surely, when you like someone, you somehow know? But I don’t. It’s just...reeeeally stressful.

 

[Freida]

Surely, when you like someone, you somehow know?

Ok -that made me laugh. Uhmmm no. no . no. I didn't even realize I was dating my boyfriend until his girlfriend pointed it out. not a big drama thing, we were friends, entirely above board, she knew we had lunch and went hiking and such. Then one day she realized we were spending more time together than they were. So she says to him...hmmm..you gotta make a choice. And he did.

It was another several weeks before two friends of mine explained to me that I was in --if not love very much like. I'm like...really? How do you know? they said I talked about him a lot, smiled when I said his name, seemed relaxed when he was around, blah blah. Plus my dog liked him and she didn't like anyone. We moved in together and I still wasn't sure I liked/loved him, but we were having fun and I enjoyed it when we were together. We lived together for 9 years and I still wasn't sure I loved him but we got married anyway because the thought of living without him made me very sad. It's been 23 years and I'm still not really sure I love him but I know I would be devastated without him. And I don't ever stop wondering ....who the hell is this guy and what's he doing with me?

Moral of the story --- PTSD sucks. Give up thinking you are going to figure it out and just enjoy your time together. When it's no longer fun, move on. If it keeps being fun..... keep going.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

telling me to run. If I base it on my gut, my gut says I’m not interested.

Maybe explore that your gut is on to something for a while and just think about how you are feeling.

 

[Sideways]

When it's no longer fun, move on.

That post was a LOT of help!

The novelty of being taken on a date (like, seriously!?) has long gone, and my symptoms are just plain getting worse. It’s not fun. It’s damn hard work.

Hanging out with my dog is fun. I genuinely enjoy that. Buddy genuinely makes me laugh. And it’s often no effort at all to take him to the park, because it’s fun to do that.

This relationship is nothing like as fun. A weird kind of freakishly normal thing to be doing? Sure. Fun? Nope.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I met and ended up with someone for 13 and a half years who I just 'clicked' with, she made me laugh more than anyone ever has, supported me, encouraged me to be a better person, took care of me when I was ill, I couldn't bear to be without her, I could be 100% myself with her, she made my life worth living. That's how I knew I liked (loved) her.

 

[ladee]

Imagine you overthinking this.... who knew.... ok, you can send me ugly emojis in your reply.... is there anyone you are around that you 'feel' love or like? Maybe that can be your frame of reference.... tho loving a boyfriend is different than loving a friend or parent.... but some of the qualities are the same.... if some one touches my soul, I like them, not always love them, but I do like them... Men... for heavens sake, I would never ever screw with your brain on this one... I am relationship challenged.... period.... I have been married to death... divorced to death... and there are just some of us, that are ok without a relationship.... if it is something you desire, it is like anything else you want on this journey, you will have to try and wait it out...
Sweetie, there are things still 'waking up' in you. Maybe this guy is wonderful, and treats you right, and that by itself can be confusing and boring.... what do we know about healthy relationships... I have many wonderful friends... but do not want to spend eterintiy with them... see what I'm saying...

It's ok to let this guy be your 'practice guy'.... just for you to see how things unfold, what makes you happy, what upsets you... because , right now, he is on his best behavior.... What does he know about you? What do you know about him... I"ve always heard, you can judge a good man by how he treats his own mother... man was I deaf dumb and blind... !!!

Not trying to make light of your dilemma here hon... but you can practice trust with him... he doesn't have to know how complicated this is for you.... and I get 'feeling nothing'... is a sign... a sign you have not given yourself permission to either like him or dislike him.... that part is yours to figure out....because people evoke feelings in us... unless we are completely shut down to possibilities... doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.... means you are scared and not sure.... and this is huge for you... not just a casual letting someone into your world... this is HUGE.... so take your time... none of us know it it will work out with who we are with....

Give yourself a little break from him... if you want... and see how you really feel when he isn't around... how you feel, not what you think, if you can do that... I still think first and feel second... so I do understand... lots of love to you my friend.... as long a he treats you good while you are figuring it out... that is important....

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - over-thinking stuff is the only way I know how to function!

I’ve been feeling really cut off from people generally this year. Like if everyone disappeared from my life, that’d be ok with me. Better even. People seem like a whole lotta work for very little return. I get to feel inadequate and not much else. I spend a whole lot of time keeping my brain in check so I don’t wind up going back to old behaviours or giving in to cognitive distortions. It’s exhausting.

This guy is really nice to his mum. Things get put on hold if his mum invites him to lunch. He’s the kind of guy who communicates with his entire family on Snapchat and Facebook because they all get along so well. Abnormally wholesome. And (hold your breath) respectful towards women!

None of that makes any sense to me. It seems strange to me that people like him actually exist.

What’s kind of sad is that it doesn’t make me feel optimistic or happy or hopeful. It’s just depressing. I’m not kidding myself that I’m ever going to be wholesome. I think one day I’ll potentially have a bit more self confidence but I’m always going to have a dark side.

He also really likes me. And I know that’s for realsies. And how can I be anything other than frightened by that?

There’s a lot of emotions going on. Maybe there’s just no room right now for just plain old liking he guy. I’d like to give it time to develop, but I don’t know how much worse I can let my symptoms get before my doctor hospitalises me. So I don’t know if it’s really worth sticking it out much longer.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I don’t know how much worse I can let my symptoms get before my doctor hospitalises me. So I don’t know if it’s really worth sticking it out much longer.

I think a time out as friends for a while is not an unreasonable thing to ask for. If he is a really good guy he will understand and want to support you in getting stabalized once more. I did not understand how symptomatic you were at this time that your doctor may want to hospitalize you. I would say this is a big red flag of your gut instinct to just take a little time to slow things down until you begin to start feeling better again.

It sounds like there is a conflict between your health and having this relationship. When I needed to go the emergency room at the hospital because I felt so on the edge, my husband supported me and took me and understood that I needed that time for myself. He was real good that way.

I really am not in a position to advise you I do not think, because I do not want to confuse you. But it does seem that you just need to slow things down for awhile and take your time on helping yourself to start feeling better once again. I wish you the best possible outcome in this situation.:hug: