Sexual Assault Realizing rape was planned

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

So I’ve been in a discovery mode ever since I was triggered by the date it happened. I have recently connected the dots and realized that five times he knowingly manipulated the situation, each time choosing to proceed with his plan. All this time I always wondered if it was a misunderstanding but now that I’ve discovered that he planned it, it’s like a new punch in the stomach. I’m even more repulsed and horrified and shaking again because it seems even more evil. They say most rapes are planned. WTF is wrong with these people?

 

[deeplyloved]

Yes. I’m so sorry. I remember when my therapist pointed this out to me many years ago. It’s another level of horror to process. I’m so sorry.

 

[Joan]

So sorry...totally understandable how hard that is to believe, wrap your head around....just want you to know that you are heard and definitely not alone. take sweet care of yourself.

 

[nowthisisme]

I understand the feeling. I was so angry when i started remembering. How can a human being be so cruel and evil! It still boils me up! A bunch of garbage or humanity can hurt so many people and i feel hopeless because i have been damaged so much that i feel everyone is evil and they are out to get me or my kids.
But i concentrate on trying to heal myself and educate my children, i get a lot of comfort coming here and knowing I'm not alone. There are good people out there and they can help sooth your pain with a simple sentence.
I am sorry you are going through this, I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I know this realization well. How can someone be so sweet and kind and then you let him in and it is an ambush. I am sending you kind thoughts. It was not your fault and you are not alone.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

Thank you so much for all of your support. I’m surprised how much it’s affecting me. It shouldn’t matter all that much but boy does it. And then I feel all these mixed things like horror mixed with a little relief that there was likely nothing I could have done to avoid this without knowing what he was up to, but then I feel stupider for being a target. I just can’t imagine setting out to do this to a person. No wonder I buried all this as long as I did. Who wants to realize this? So you had the same realization? How did you deal with it?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Thank you so much for all of your support. I’m surprised how much it’s affecting me. It sho...

Is there a way to deal with it, other than therapy? You are dealing with the theme of betrayal. It will seep into so many of your life situations that it will just continue to resurface or “bubble up from the past” as my T says. If you find the solution, please let me know!

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

Is there a way to deal with it, other than therapy? You are dealing with the theme of betrayal. It wil...

Oh wow, TexCat, I just read your other posted from when your T pointed out it was planned and how that was a new ugly thing to have to process. I’m so sorry. How are you doing with that?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Oh wow, TexCat, I just read your other posted from when your T pointed out it was planned and h...

That was pointed out to me by my first T and then resurfaced with my current T. I haven’t dealt with it very well. I have no real answers. It is currently attached to a few conflicts in my life. In emdr, you focus on one theme at a time. We are focusing on control right now. The betrayal theme?... I don’t know how to deal with it. My ability to trust is lower than it has ever been. Wish I could help you more.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

Man, I’m so sorry. I know how sickened and horrified I’ve been feeling about it. It’s been a shock to the system, going from wondering if it was possibly a horrible miscommunication (even though it never felt like it) to now knowing that each thing he did was a deliberate decision made to get him closer to his ultimate goal. As much as this has affected me most of my life already, knowing how this was an intentional act on his part leaves my blood cold. I could just vomit. I wish I could help you too.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

Oh, and not only is all this going on, a recent flashback brought back that first moment of the first penetration when he said he wasn’t going to wear a rubber so I’d get the “real thing”. I knew I protested but this flashback clarified exactly what I said and I definitely said no loudly and lifted my head up trying to get away but he did it anyway. So geez. So much for my doubt all this time. This was no accidental rape. I’m in shock like it just happened because this is a different animal than I always thought of it as.

 

[hymnless]

I also had this moment not too long ago. It's pretty horrifying to realize that someone you trusted in some capacity intended to violate you. For me, the shock just turned to sadness and I'm kind of stuck there.