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Sexual Assault Was it really rape or did we love eachother?

After my ex died when I was 16 (a whole different bag of trauma there), my friends did everything they could to help me

I had a really close friend (R) who helped me during my abusive relationship and his death. I was doing alot of drugs and I got him into smoking and doing psychedelics together.

R and I were inseparable, his parents thought we were dating at one point but we both were in relationships. However, he would express wanting to have sex with me.

I was so high most of the time that I let him touch me. I would say yes. Then back out midway because I remember my gf. He fully raped me my senior year, but i think I said yes to it. I took his virginity that day

I made the mistake of looking at his insta and seeing that he has a gf. I feel kinda jealous. I think we both really loved eachother but we were both kids and on drugs. That was my fault tho i gave him the drugs so i wouldnt be high alone with the thoughts of my dead abusive ex.

Was it really rape or did I just wanta reason for him to be closer to me. Forhim to love me a different way. I keep dreaming about him and its like nothing happened.Im only 20. He raped me when I was 17.

Im sorry if this is all over the place
 
Welcome to the forum!

A very helpful thread, with useful resources, is this one here.

Sounds like there’s a lot going on for you, and there was already a lot of pain you were having to deal with even before this situation came along. Do you have a therapist helping you process what you’ve been through?
 
I think it's a bit difficult to say from your description.

If you are high and too intoxicated to consent, then that would be rape.

If you said yes , for healthy or unhealthy reasons, that wouldn't be rape.

If you're not sure you said yes or not, then that is tricky.

Whatever word you want to call it, and I get how important it is to name rape (haven needed that myself: to name it), what matters is how you hold it.
It sounds a very traumatic and confusing time for you.

Do you have a therapist to help work this through?
 
Welcome to the forum!

A very helpful thread, with useful resources, is this one here.

Sounds like there’s a lot going on for you, and there was already a lot of pain you were having to deal with even before this situation came along. Do you have a therapist helping you process what you’ve been through?

I think it's a bit difficult to say from your description.

If you are high and too intoxicated to consent, then that would be rape.

If you said yes , for healthy or unhealthy reasons, that wouldn't be rape.

If you're not sure you said yes or not, then that is tricky.

Whatever word you want to call it, and I get how important it is to name rape (haven needed that myself: to name it), what matters is how you hold it.
It sounds a very traumatic and confusing time for you.

Do you have a therapist to help work this through?
Yes I do. Ive been trying to come to terms with it in therapy. its hard tho bc i got sexually assaulted and violated in 2 separate occasions after R raped me. I was struggling but im rlly trying now. Thanks for checking in on me and for ur reply
 
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