My trigger is not allowing me to work

[nowthisisme]

Hey guys.. need your help again. My brain hasn't been functioning properly lately so bare with me if something doesnt make sense.

I have been able to figure out what most of my triggers are and I have been able to teach myself how to manage and avoid my triggers. But my PTSD symptoms are getting much worse and harder to manage. It's just getting really hard and i feel like i am struggling to just breath and every minute feels overwhelming.

So going to work is a major struggle for me, just getting there in the morning sucks out any energy i had. Once I get there i spend 90% of the time disassociated, I am simple not there, I can't focus and I forget everything people are telling me. I am very luck that I have a wonderful team that covers for me. They have noticed i haven't really been working and they automatically took over my duties. One of the girls shadows me just to make sure to do whatever that is being asked of me, she takes notes and passes the job down to whoever is responsible for it, so basically she is doing my job.

I didn't ask them to do this but they sensed i am going through something and they want to help as much as they can. Now i don't know how much longer i can manage to keep going, it's been months and it's just getting worse.

Now I need your opinion on my newest and biggest challange i am having. Working on a computer is triggering to me, I am not going to go into details as to why it's triggering, but i am get extremely bad flashbacks when i start typing. I have tried many ways of keeping myself grounded and focused and some things work for a few mintues but then I either get a flashback or a really really bad headache. I sometimes just freeze and lose feeling in my body. I need help overcoming this. I am so far back on a lot of things and there is only so much I can accomplish on my cell phone. (I don't have a problem using a touch screen)

If anyone has any recommendation or advice for me please let me know. I have a session with my T soon and i plan of working with her on this but I would like to know if anyone else has gone through something like this. Has anyone been able to overcome a trigger?

Also when do you know it's time to stop working, I personally feel its time to throw in the towel but i need the income to support my family and i have been working since I was 15 and I really enjoyed my job, it was exciting for me to go to work. I don't want to let go of my dreams and walk away from everything I've worked so hard to build. But being there is making things more complicated and causing mistakes that could have been easily avoided. Please let me know your thoughts on this as well. Thanks!

 

[Freida]

I just answered this on another thread! must be something in the air tonight :)

I wish, wish, wish I had bailed when it first got bad and didn't try to prove I could beat it. I have way more emotional, mental and physical issues now that I would have had if I had gotten out a year earlier. I liked my job, have always worked, and didn't want to be one of "those" people. I was lucky enough to get disability so we won't lose the house but we are gonna be broke! And its worth it.
I've been off 4 months now and I'm already seeing improvements. My biggest regret is I didn't do it earlier.

 

[Sideways]

Are there options with work like reducing your hours for a while or taking some unpaid leave?

With the keyboard issue - this may not work for you, but may be worth a try...
Take yourself keyboard shopping. Find yourself one that you like the look of. Maybe it’s a groovy shape or colour, maybe you put some stickers on it, whatever. Make it yours. Your own unique Safe Keyboard.

Then take your keyboard home and spend some quality time. Have it on the couch mext to you while you watch some tv, sit it on the table while you eat. Chat to it if that feels comfortable: “Hey Safe Keyboard, what are we gonna watch on tv tonight?” Give it personality. Give it a brand new safe identity that you control.

When you feel ready? You start to use the keyboard. Maybe not even attached to a computer at first. Just getting to know the way it sounds when you click away at the keys. Use it for short periods of time attached to a computer somewhere safe (like home), doing something fun at first (like playing computer games).


The idea is to make a relationship with your own, new, trauma-free Keyboard. When the flashbacks start, you ease off the exposure work for a while, remind yourself “No, actually this is my special safe keyboard...”.

The pace is set by you. Small gradual steps. You’ll get there if you persist:)

 

[nowthisisme]

I just answered this on another thread! must be something in the air tonight :)

I wish, wish, wish I ha...

Thank you so much for your reply! It's so helpful hearing someone else's experience. I am so happy to hear that it was worth it. I have never made money an issue in my life and its never stopped me from doing anything, I've always believed that money comes and goes and it shouldn't stop in the way of someone's happiness but cutting off all income is scary and my saving can only get me a few months.

How long did it take for disability to approve you? Did you have an attorney submit the forms or you did it yourself?

 

[The Albatross]

Learn how to do exposures properly and diffuse your triggers. It is doable, largely. I still have a couple to a few but they are VERY specific and in all likelihood, have only a slight percentage of occurrence. I was already, intuitively on track to accomplish this but Anthony's angle honed it and it worked for me: Ptsd Therapy - One Page, As Simple As It Gets

 

[nowthisisme]

Are there options with work like reducing your hours for a while or taking some unpaid leave?

W...

Hey :) I LOVE your sugguestion with a new keyboard! I am definitely going to try that. It's a really good idea, hopefully it will help.

I already cut back my hours as much as I could, I really just go to work for the complicated stuff and as observation. If i leave i won't be able to till January after the busy season.
I really think its time but so many people are going to be disappointed and like @Freida said its hard to admit to being "that person " the one who couldn't handle it.
I also have to deal with my family .. no one know i have PTSD they know I'm going through something but I'm a very private person so they know if i didn't answer them they first time they won't ask again. Even my husband doesnt know.. so its a challange to just flip my life upside down.

 

[nowthisisme]

Learn how to do exposures properly and diffuse your triggers. It is doable, largely. I still hav...

That's great! Will try it! Thanks

 

[Freida]

@Ragdoll Circus that was an amazing suggestion!

@nowthisisme I was lucky enough (or screwed up enough..hmmm) to get disability from the VA and work. The VA one has several levels of hoops to jump through so it has taken about a year and I'm still working on an update. I got long term disability from work - that took about 6 weeks. I didn't go for social security but I've heard that can take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. If that's the route you are going you might look at getting some help with filling out the claim

 

[Freida]

I also have to deal with my family .. no one know i have PTSD they know I'm going through something but I'm a very private person so they know if i didn't answer them they first time they won't ask again. Even my husband doesnt know.. so its a challange to just flip my life upside down.

I posted a long blah blah about this on one of the supporter threads. My family doesn't know because they can't cope. I lost several of my friends when I started treatment because it overwhelmed me and I wasn't all about helping them with their dramas. Luckily a few of them stuck around and I found new ones I had no idea existed. Hubby knows I have it and has a general idea why but we don't discuss it. He is great for support - we just don't discuss the cause.

 

[New]

@nowthisisme I was exactly where you are now a year ago.

The company I worked for put me on long term disability. It was a major pain but definitely necessary. I fought it and kept trying to go back to work and it made me worse. Does your company offer something like that?

I also ended up having to apply for social disability (my company makes you apply once you go on long term disability) and I was approved in 6 months. I never wanted to go on disability and only applied because I had to. I never thought it would be approved and simply wanted to get better and return to work.

Like you I have worked since I was 15 and it has been very challenging not to work. I loved working and it was part of my identity. I’m still trying to accept this but my new job is therapy and working hard on myself to get better.

Ask your T at your next appointment if she thinks you should stop working. You will need her support if you file for social security disability.

Also, I used Allsup to help me apply. My company paid them for this but I believe they are only paid if you are approved.

Let me know if you have any questions. My heart goes out to you.

 

[New]

@The Albatross thanks so much for posting this one page document.

I just read over it and the comments and it has given me so much clarity.

I thought I had been doing all the right things but actually I’ve been doing it all wrong. I haven’t processed any of the traumas. I simply write them out in a journal then freak out and shut down for days or weeks and start on another.

People around me keep telling me therapy is making me worse and I shouldn’t focus on it so much because it is making me worse. My husband actually told me not to see my therapist and longer because she was making me much worse and I come home a mess for days. Apparently it will make us worse until we fully process it. Now just to help him understand this.

@nowthisisme sorry to post all of this on your thread.

 

[EveHarrington]

@The Albatross thanks so much for posting this one page document.

I just read...

See, that’s the thing. You’ve already opened Pandora’s box. Stopping therapy at this point isn’t going to make it all better. You’ve gotta keep pushing through.