Relationship Worst emotional storm ever - not sure if i should stay?

[Lurner]

I just joined the site in hopes of some insight others can help with.

My girlfriend had lots f trauma and suffers from lots of PTSD reactions. This causes big blowups every few months when I say things or do something that sets her off. WHen it happens I try and stay calm and be supporting but its like theres nothing I can say to stop it from getting worse.

I love her very much and try to accept that its PTSD that makes this happen. SHe says things that are very hurtful to me and tells me how bad and cruel I am even when a few days before she says im the kindest best person she ever met.

It happened again the other night worst than ever. It got to her sceraming at me as loud as she could that she hates me and Im destroying her life and killing her. She was punching me and telling me to ***** off out of the house which is hers where we both live. I never saw her this angry before. She was saying everything she knew would hurt me and it has made me not know if I can keep doing this.

My own situation is really bad for her because she is supporting us and her previous boyfriends have taken advantage f her by taking her money and then leaving her. So its like when she is in her PTSD rage there is to much about me that makes it even worse for her that its very hard for me to help her becuase I represent to her all the bad stuff thats happened before.

I really dont know what I should do. I love her and want to stay with her but this was so bad that Im thinking maybe the best is if I leave so I dont make her life so painful and also have to
be shouted at and abused when things go off.

Both of us go to therapists and we really love each other but I just dont know if we can make it through this.

If anyone here has had this kind of thing happen it would be really good to hear from you.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Yes yes and yes. Not just one time . . Not just 2 times but many many times. It's part of living and loving someone with PTSD. And you aren't hurting her, she will hurt with or without you.

Have you read and educated yourself on the PTSD Stress Cup? You need to read it and understand it.

First and foremost you need to back off and give her space. Don't argue with her when she's having a melt down. Don't push her to talk to you.

I'm telling you honestly that r eff relationships are hard to begin with but relationship with PTSD takes it to a whole level. You will have to develop thick skin, not take things personaly, set bounderies and respect her bounderies. You can't fix her! You can't cure her. You can't change her. But you CAN change you and the way you respond and think.

Talk to your therapist about it. Read all the articles and thinks provided for you here. Educate educate and educate yourself on PTSD. Read pists on here. Knowledge is power.

You may find that this kind of relationship is something you csnt cope with or you may think its doable or worth the effort. But just remember it gets better with hard work but it never goes away! Wishing you luck in this journey.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you ok with being hit?

When things become physical, I ALWAYS advise an exit. Physical abuse is never permissible. Ever. Ptsd is not an excuse to abuse someone.

 

[Justmehere]

She was punching me and telling me to ***** off out of the house which is hers where we both live.

This is domestic violence. There are many domestic violence survivors here... myself included.

By staying you are enabling her to continue to abuse you. You are not helping her by staying just because others have taken money and left. She is an adult. She can learn to manage her finances differently.

Right now, the focus needs to be on physical safety. You are at risk for developing PTSD yourself now.

Get help to get space and set clear boundaries. That is actually how you can help her the best, not by continuing to be victimized and continue to endure her assaulting you.

 

[Lurner]

Yes yes and yes. Not just one time . . Not just 2 times but many many times. It's part of...

Thanks for very helpful comment. I looked at Stress Cup and it makes lots of sense. Exactly this is whts happening whne it gets to much and things go off.

She keeps saying she needs me to say something to make her feel better but when I try it I don't get it right and makes it worse and then I keep quiet adn she says then Im being aggressive becuase Im shutting down.

I dont know the right things to say.

 

[Lurner]

This is domestic violence. There are many domestic violence survivors here... myself included.

By...

Thank you for your help. What kind of boundaries can work when she is over the edge? SHe says if I leave the house so I can get thnis to cool down that Im leaving her and then it will be over. I also worry because she may take over dose and I need to be at home to keep her safe.

 

[Lurner]

A big question for me if someone has advice. When things get calm is it okay to say I know its the PTSD that makes this happen or does that say to her something is worng with her. ive seen lots of comment that say you cant fix someone with PTSD and I believe this. She has said a lot to me about her traumas over he life but does not say to me she has PTSD just she cant cope with extreme emotion. Will it help to discuss PTSD when things are calm and then be able to say when theres a blow up that I know its PTSD and not her fault that things have gone off. WIll it help to calm things down or make it worse?

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you for your help. What kind of boundaries can work when she is over the edge? SHe says if I leave...

WHOA!

My therapist says that if you need space, you NEVER ask for it, you just take it. That is, when things are bad and you are fighting, you don’t ask your partner if they will give you space. You say I need space, we can talk about this later, and you walk away, hang up the phone, stop texting, whatever.

You have a RIGHT to space. Don’t let her manipulate you into thinking that taking space means you are leaving her.

And you cannot be the one to save her from hurting herself.

I honestly think that you need to make an exit plan and get out of this relationship.

 

[EveHarrington]

“When things get calm is it okay to say I know its the PTSD that makes this happen”


I think the bigger issue is that you are thinking she has no control over her actions and you’re blaming it all on ptsd.

 

[Justmehere]

Lumer, I’m pretty worried about you. You have a very high level of denial about how serious this situation is, and that can be a sign of being traumatized. You are also extremely enmeshed and co-dependent. There are some signs you are trauma bonded with her, and you are writing things very typical for traumatized domestic violence victims to say.

I really don’t think it’s healthy for her for you to stay with her. Even more so, it’s not healthy for you.

She keeps saying she needs me to say something to make her feel better but when I try it I don't get it right and makes it worse and then I keep quiet adn she says then Im being aggressive... .

So many red flags here.
1.) She is gaslighting you.
2.) Her comments about you being “aggressive...” is her projecting her aggression on you
3.) She is blame shifting everything on to you.
4.) She is clearly not taking any responsibility for her recovery, her emotional regulation, and her behaviors.
5.) You can not make her feel better. That’s co-dependency. It’s not up to you to say the right things to be physically safe and you have zero control over her emotions. She has all the responsibility to control her own behavior, that’s how recovery works.

Her behaviors are way out of control and she may need a higher level of care. Right now, she is risking jail time and you are risking developing PTSD with your choice to stay in this just because she gives you money.

She will continue to escalate the violence until you are severely injured, unless she gets greater help and ties full responsibility for her actions. She’s not going to get that help while you allow her to blame you, hurt you, gaslight you, emotionally blackmail you, abuse you, and you blame everything but her.

She is fully at fault for her behavior.

By staying in this relationship, and giving SO MANY excuses for her behavior, you are are enabling her to stay unwell and very miserable. It’s not helpful to her. It’s harmful to stay in this.

This situation is really serious.

What kind of boundaries can work when she is over the edge? SHe says if I leave the house so I can get thnis to cool down that Im leaving her and then it will be over. I also worry because she may take over dose and I need to be at home to keep her safe.

This is very common behavior for domestic violence perpetrators. When faced with a boundary, they escalate. “Don’t leave me or else I will do xyz... “

What do you do? You leave.

Boundaries are not going to be something she likes. She will push and likely escalate. Which is why you need to get some help from professionals trained in helping domestic violence victims deal with unsafe partners who are engaged in active abuse.

If she is a danger to herself, call or text a crisis service, give them all the info you can, and let them handle it.

When she is a danger to you, call 911. Get out.

You are not helping by staying and continuing to be assaulted in response to emotional blackmail. You are only helping her evade the true help she really needs. You are reinforcing the behavior - you show her that if she blames you and emotionally manipulated and threatens you, she will get what she wants and doesn’t have to get help and work on her recovery. So she’ll do it more and more.

Please contact a domestic violence shelter and your therapist and work on a plan to safety get out of this situation. Leaving the house is a great boundary. If this happens again before you can talk to them, pack a bag and stay with a friend, or any other safe option you have, and contact a domestic violence shelter in your area about next steps to ensure safety.

A big question for me if someone has advice. When things get calm is it okay to say I know its the PTSD that makes this happen

No. PTSD doesn’t make someone a domestic violence perpetrator. Of al the symptoms listed for PTSD “perpetrator of violent acts on loved ones” is not one of them. PTSD causes many symptoms, and that can fuel many out of control behaviors but assaulting others is not excused by having PTSD.

You do not even know if she has PTSD.

You.
are.
not.
her.
therapist.

Stop trying to be one.

I don’t mean to be too harsh, but I need to be very clear on this. I care about you and her, and it’s very dangerous to try to be her therapist and start guessing at a diagnosis to excuse violent behavior.

The symptoms you describe are not consistent with a PTSD diagnosis. Trauma can play a role in a number of major mental health disorders, not just PTSD. The fact she doesn’t mention PTSD even though she mentions the trauma suggests she may have another diagnosis. She could have PTSD in addition to other disorder.

Frankly, there is at least one major mental health disorder that is not PTSD that I suspect she has... but that’s up to her therapist to diagnose. Not me. Nor you.

She is choosing to act out in a violent manner and is blaming you for being violent and hurting you.. It doesn’t matter what her diagnosis is, that is unacceptable behavior and telling her you are excusing it because she has PTSD is likely to be taken as a license to do it more. It won’t help.

Let’s pretend it is PTSD causing her to physically attack you. The best way to handle such a dangerous behavior is to set boundaries and get out.

It would be a terrible idea to tell her you know it’s PTSD. It would make things worse to tell her that her violent aggressive behaviors are not her fault due to any mental health disorder, PTSD included.

How she chooses to manage her symptoms is her fault. It is her fault she has hurt you.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @Lurner I am really glad that you found this place and posted about what you are going through. You sound like ever such a nice person, too nice maybe in this situation, please don't feel too judged by me saying that, I have been rather too nice to my partner who has been abusive for years and frankly caused me untold harm. I do hope you can see what eve and justme are saying to you and act in a way to get you any help you need towards getting you away from this person.

It is lovely that you love her, but it will cost you too much to continue to allow her to behave like this.

Genuinely it will be more loving to stand up to her behaviour rather than allowing her to escalate her treatment of you.

 

[Lurner]

WHOA!

My therapist says that if you need space, you NEVER ask for it, you just take it. That is...

Thank you so much for this advice. It makes lots of sense to me but I have always been thinking it was cruel to do that. It helps a lot to hear from all the people her that hav lived with this and understand how Im feeling.