LuckiLee
VIP Member
Have you read about the stress cup? It's a very useful piece of information.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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Relationship Boyfriend feels no love?
- Post starter BoyfriendqwithPTSD
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- Post starter
- #14
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
Shimmerz, your post really hit me hard. He always tells me he feels so confused, conflicted. He states he wants to leave, sometimes because he is a broken and damaged person and I deserve more, sometimes because he cannot feel anything for me, sometimes because he feels like he is "worthless and sometimes because he picks on small things in our relationship that does not do it for him.
I fight to stay...I dont want to leave. I dont want to bury the happy relationship I had before PTSD. But then I get tired, and I leave for a little bit...only for him to miss me so much he cant bare not to speak to me.
What is the solution...What do I do?
concerned spouse: He is going to see a new therapist next week and start sessions. I cant grasp how therapy would help him feel again? How does this work? Like I have mentioned before, I am so new to PTSD and he only just recently got diagnosed. I didnt recognize the signs earlier on, I didnt know what to make of it. I feel so guilty and hurt too. I want to be able to control my feelings. You spoke about coping mechanism, supporting happily from a distance. Please give me some insight on this so I can actually be helpful. Sometimes I make the situation worse unintentionally and I dont want to do that.
I fight to stay...I dont want to leave. I dont want to bury the happy relationship I had before PTSD. But then I get tired, and I leave for a little bit...only for him to miss me so much he cant bare not to speak to me.
What is the solution...What do I do?
concerned spouse: He is going to see a new therapist next week and start sessions. I cant grasp how therapy would help him feel again? How does this work? Like I have mentioned before, I am so new to PTSD and he only just recently got diagnosed. I didnt recognize the signs earlier on, I didnt know what to make of it. I feel so guilty and hurt too. I want to be able to control my feelings. You spoke about coping mechanism, supporting happily from a distance. Please give me some insight on this so I can actually be helpful. Sometimes I make the situation worse unintentionally and I dont want to do that.
- Post starter
- #15
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
Hi. I havent read about the stresscup. I will look in to it and please let me know of any other suggestions. Thank you x
First, I think, he needs his learned tools. That means therapy. Your question about therapy and feeling again? Originally I think therapy is more about learning how to catch ourselves we go full blown into an 'incident'. Things like breathing, self care, self identifying if we are dissociative, recognizing we are under stress and how our body is reacting. This is where a supporter can really help.
Every time I used to go into the kitchen, my supporter would mention that my breathing would change. Loudly. I wasn't aware. So he states what he notices as in my changing states. He wouldn't change my breathing, etc, for me (obviously), but the heads up that something was going on was a real help to me so that I could attend to it.
That is really what my supporter helped with. Watching my states and vocalizing when he was concerned. Kind of like what a therapy dog would do. Sorry, that is a horrible comparison.... but truthfully.... anyway.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that as a team we worked towards keeping me grounded. Catching things before they got out of hand. I was 100 percent responsible to correct myself. As long as there is no abuse happening, no sufferer should ever blame a supporter for screwing with their state.
So if he isn't jacked up like you are then that means you have too much invested in this and you will make yourself sick. Don't do that. Never put more energy into a sufferers health than they put in themselves is my thought.
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- #17
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
Thanks for the pointers shimmerz.
He is going to a new therapist next week, lets see how it goes.
I can often identified when he is about to feel worse...I am trying to help, sometimes I do react in a way that is not helpful..I am still learning.
He is as concerned as me about his health..he wants to actively do something about it now as he feels really horrible. So lets see what happens. I hope therapy works.
He is going to a new therapist next week, lets see how it goes.
I can often identified when he is about to feel worse...I am trying to help, sometimes I do react in a way that is not helpful..I am still learning.
He is as concerned as me about his health..he wants to actively do something about it now as he feels really horrible. So lets see what happens. I hope therapy works.
LuckiLee
VIP Member
Just an fyi. There is no cure. If you think after a couple therapy sessions you'll have your boyfriend back... It doesn't work that way. Therapy is brutal for people. He may get worse for a while. Give him some time to take care of himself. That's the most loving thing you can do for him right now.
@BoyfriendqwithPTSD - welcome. I can see you have already had a lot of positive feedback already, but I figured, another point of view, especially from another male, wont cause any harm.
I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression and have regular panic and anxiety attacks. To me, all of this is incredibly real. It feels as though my every belief, my every core betrayed me. I know that I am not thinking rationally, I know that I am not being fair to the ones I love, I recognise that my thoughts, my fears, my self loathing are not rational, but I am unable, in those moments, to be able to prevent them.
In my moments, I will be unable to express my true emotions as my brain will be in a full state of panic, full of insecurities, riddled with self loathing and patheticness because, as a man, I shouldnt feel weakness. Most of these will come out in a negative way, either by arguing with my loved ones, or doing negative activities. Almost every single time, I will break down into tears and will isolate myself from everything and everyone as this is the only safe place I can go. I dont go into shops much because people are too much of a threat to me, I dont socialise for the same reason. Finding faults is an easy way to take the pain away from me, so I dont have to think about me, and what is happening to me, and how insecure I feel. PTSD is a very selfish infliction, and I know I am being selfish, but at that moment in time, its the only thing that I can do to keep myself semi functioning when all I want to do is drive into the nearest bridge pillar.
Its good that you are learning about it, teach yourself as much as you can. Everyone is different. I eventually learnt what my triggers were and when I could feel an attack coming on, but everyone is different. The important thing to notice is this - PTSD is very real, the effects is very real. If I may give an example, if I can ask you to close your eyes and think of a time when you were truly absolutely petrified, you feared for your life with every ounce of your body, be that when you were a child (real or not). Now imagine, when you were in that state, were you able to talk effectively, reason effectively, love effectively, function in a socially acceptable manner? Probably not, at that time, you were in full self defence mode, adrenaline was careening around your body and your brain was just screaming at you to protect yourself. You couldnt turn this off until your brain told you that the threat had gone. Whether or not this threat was actually real is irrelevant, to your brain, it was. This is how PTSD affects, certainly me, a trigger is something which reminds my brain of the traumatic incidents which then send it into defence mode. I start scanning for threats, I want to run, to fight, to hide, to protect, but I dont know what from yet. Panic sets in, the anxiety heightens, my body is in full protect mode, I cant remember what you say to me, I cant express any feelings. All my body wants to do is protect itself - thats it. Your body ultimately, will always protect itself until its last breath. It will shut down organs, slow heart rate to prevent blood loss, shut down pain to function, to evade, divert all oxygen and blood to the heart, lungs and brain, because we can actually survive without anything else when you think about it.
For me, an attack starts, my vision starts to pinpoint, my hearing heightens, I can hear so much more, listening for the threat. I lose my ability to talk, I will just go silent, I will feel the adrenaline dump into my system, my body will start to shake. If I dont catch it by this stage and either leave or try to calm myself down, my body will go into complete defence mode, everything suddenly is a threat, and to me, its a real life endangering threat, I will lash out, I will attack, I will cry, scream, cry and break down in hysteria. I wont remember much of what I do and emotionally, I become a complete wreck.
Your brain gets full of mess basically, mine feels like it assesses any new information that comes to it and if it is not an immediate threat, or validates the fears, then it feels like my brain just says - "Nope, I dont need to know this information, I am waiting for the danger, I know its there, cant waste my time with information that I feel is pointless". Unfortunately, this pointless information could be important to you, the loved one, but to his brain, its not as important as the incoming danger.
I am also quite emotionally dead, why? Because, I am tired, my brain is exhausted, each and every attack makes me just want to sleep for hours. (Think of a time when you just couldnt stop crying, and afterwards, you just fell asleep because you were exhausted.) Now imagine that all the time, constantly. Emotions become dead as its too hard to think about them, to deal with them, to process them. Its easier to hide, to ignore, to pretend it doesnt exist, because my brain is so tired, its barely keeping itself afloat, let alone functioning effectively. Unfortunately, this leads to hurting our loved ones. Not intentional at all.
Make sure you have your own support, be that a good friend, family, your own therapist, and learn your limitations. You cant be his girlfriend/wife and his therapist. Be truthful to yourself as you cannot be a rock if you are floundering yourself.
My wife doesnt know when an attack is incoming, yet my best female friend does. She detects it in my body language, little shakes, my conversation lacking or slowing mid stream. Just let him know he is safe, I dont mean by telling him (he will likely know he isnt being rational so telling him something he already rationally knows may not help), but by a touch, maybe even taking control and removing him from the situation. He will know his thoughts are irrational but they cannot be rationalised at that time, in the heat of the moment. Hold him, hug him, touch his arm, remove him from the situation until he feels safe.
I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression and have regular panic and anxiety attacks. To me, all of this is incredibly real. It feels as though my every belief, my every core betrayed me. I know that I am not thinking rationally, I know that I am not being fair to the ones I love, I recognise that my thoughts, my fears, my self loathing are not rational, but I am unable, in those moments, to be able to prevent them.
In my moments, I will be unable to express my true emotions as my brain will be in a full state of panic, full of insecurities, riddled with self loathing and patheticness because, as a man, I shouldnt feel weakness. Most of these will come out in a negative way, either by arguing with my loved ones, or doing negative activities. Almost every single time, I will break down into tears and will isolate myself from everything and everyone as this is the only safe place I can go. I dont go into shops much because people are too much of a threat to me, I dont socialise for the same reason. Finding faults is an easy way to take the pain away from me, so I dont have to think about me, and what is happening to me, and how insecure I feel. PTSD is a very selfish infliction, and I know I am being selfish, but at that moment in time, its the only thing that I can do to keep myself semi functioning when all I want to do is drive into the nearest bridge pillar.
Its good that you are learning about it, teach yourself as much as you can. Everyone is different. I eventually learnt what my triggers were and when I could feel an attack coming on, but everyone is different. The important thing to notice is this - PTSD is very real, the effects is very real. If I may give an example, if I can ask you to close your eyes and think of a time when you were truly absolutely petrified, you feared for your life with every ounce of your body, be that when you were a child (real or not). Now imagine, when you were in that state, were you able to talk effectively, reason effectively, love effectively, function in a socially acceptable manner? Probably not, at that time, you were in full self defence mode, adrenaline was careening around your body and your brain was just screaming at you to protect yourself. You couldnt turn this off until your brain told you that the threat had gone. Whether or not this threat was actually real is irrelevant, to your brain, it was. This is how PTSD affects, certainly me, a trigger is something which reminds my brain of the traumatic incidents which then send it into defence mode. I start scanning for threats, I want to run, to fight, to hide, to protect, but I dont know what from yet. Panic sets in, the anxiety heightens, my body is in full protect mode, I cant remember what you say to me, I cant express any feelings. All my body wants to do is protect itself - thats it. Your body ultimately, will always protect itself until its last breath. It will shut down organs, slow heart rate to prevent blood loss, shut down pain to function, to evade, divert all oxygen and blood to the heart, lungs and brain, because we can actually survive without anything else when you think about it.
For me, an attack starts, my vision starts to pinpoint, my hearing heightens, I can hear so much more, listening for the threat. I lose my ability to talk, I will just go silent, I will feel the adrenaline dump into my system, my body will start to shake. If I dont catch it by this stage and either leave or try to calm myself down, my body will go into complete defence mode, everything suddenly is a threat, and to me, its a real life endangering threat, I will lash out, I will attack, I will cry, scream, cry and break down in hysteria. I wont remember much of what I do and emotionally, I become a complete wreck.
Your brain gets full of mess basically, mine feels like it assesses any new information that comes to it and if it is not an immediate threat, or validates the fears, then it feels like my brain just says - "Nope, I dont need to know this information, I am waiting for the danger, I know its there, cant waste my time with information that I feel is pointless". Unfortunately, this pointless information could be important to you, the loved one, but to his brain, its not as important as the incoming danger.
I am also quite emotionally dead, why? Because, I am tired, my brain is exhausted, each and every attack makes me just want to sleep for hours. (Think of a time when you just couldnt stop crying, and afterwards, you just fell asleep because you were exhausted.) Now imagine that all the time, constantly. Emotions become dead as its too hard to think about them, to deal with them, to process them. Its easier to hide, to ignore, to pretend it doesnt exist, because my brain is so tired, its barely keeping itself afloat, let alone functioning effectively. Unfortunately, this leads to hurting our loved ones. Not intentional at all.
Make sure you have your own support, be that a good friend, family, your own therapist, and learn your limitations. You cant be his girlfriend/wife and his therapist. Be truthful to yourself as you cannot be a rock if you are floundering yourself.
My wife doesnt know when an attack is incoming, yet my best female friend does. She detects it in my body language, little shakes, my conversation lacking or slowing mid stream. Just let him know he is safe, I dont mean by telling him (he will likely know he isnt being rational so telling him something he already rationally knows may not help), but by a touch, maybe even taking control and removing him from the situation. He will know his thoughts are irrational but they cannot be rationalised at that time, in the heat of the moment. Hold him, hug him, touch his arm, remove him from the situation until he feels safe.
- Post starter
- #20
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
Thanks leehalf. Silly question but, how can he get better?
Also, for the past week or so he has been telling me how he "can't handle the stress of being in a relationship, I deserve better, he's holding me back, I dont need the stress" etc etc etc...So really, right now I am not sure if we are even together. He has said all that, yet we still hang out, go on date nights, cuddle etc. Do I ask him "what are we", or does that add stress? Its confusing for me?
Also, for the past week or so he has been telling me how he "can't handle the stress of being in a relationship, I deserve better, he's holding me back, I dont need the stress" etc etc etc...So really, right now I am not sure if we are even together. He has said all that, yet we still hang out, go on date nights, cuddle etc. Do I ask him "what are we", or does that add stress? Its confusing for me?
In my opinion, this is the two states that I refer to above. The emotional state - he is exhausted, he doesnt have the emotional strength to deal with any relationship stresses at this time so he is instinctively, pushing away to protect himself. I would guarentee he doesnt know why he is doing it himself. In the calmer more rational times, he feels safe with you, he needs your touch, he needs your love.
I fully understand why its so confusing but I almost guarentee his feelings for you havent changed. Its scary - it feels like your brain has been taken over by something over which you cannot control. I would probably leave the awkward relationship questions out for a day when he is a bit stronger, because at the wrong time, it could easily cause further stress. Not easy for you, I fully understand.
@BoyfriendqwithPTSD - like an example - today, I completely lost it because the cat meowed to be let out. Why? At the time, I dont know, it was just too much. I just verbally laid into the wife about the stupid bloody cat, horrid creature, shoulda put it down years ago. I needed to vent, to shout, to scream and unfortunately, she was there. (not her fault at all and I feel guilty). It was the sudden noise which triggered me, cat surprised me, I got scared, adrenaline hit me, I needed to either run, fight or hide.
Ridiculous huh? Yup, completely. At that time, I was scared.
Ridiculous huh? Yup, completely. At that time, I was scared.
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