Do i have to talk to anyone about this?

[Carlycat]

Hi there

I have been in therapy for about six months and am not getting very far. I have remembered a lot of things but can’t talk about them at all.

I think trying to find a way to talk to another person about it is worse than just remembering what happened and dealing with it myself.

Surely if I can think about what happened to me and how this has affected me I don’t need to explain it to anyone else.

I have always been a very private person. I think I would have been like that anyway. The process of having to explain myself is terrifying. I don’t like the feeling of being put on the spot.

I sit an say nothing a lot and I feel I am wasting both our times.

It feels like because there are so many things I absolutely don’t want to share I can’t say anything. I don’t even like to say what I did at the weekend let alone anything else.

I know this is probably my giant wall getting in the way but what harm does it do if it keeps me going. I have to work and deal with life, there is no point in dwelling on the past, I have to just work out how to stop the hang ups affecting me now. We don’t have to talk about why.

Am I just being very resistant and annoying or do you think this is ok?

 

[EveHarrington]

Resistant? Yes.

I see a lot of excuses as to why you don’t want to process your trauma with a therapist. It’s understandable as this stuff is HARD!

Yes, we can get some relief on our own, but it’s imposs to do full processing on our own as processing requires an outside perspective and outside guidance. Trauma has changed us and affected our thinking to the point where we cannot figure this out on our own. (If we could, most of us already would have.)

If you can, on your own, think of all the ways that trauma has affected you, and make positive changes, then you don’t need a therapist. But, I can pretty much guarantee you that this is not the case.

Keep pushing forward. Find a new therapist if this one isn’t working. You deserve to heal, but running away from therapy and trying to convince yourself that you can do this all on your own isn’t the answer.

It may be that you aren’t ready for therapy right now and need a break.

 

[shimmerz]

I don’t even like to say what I did at the weekend let alone anything else.

I would start with this. It is neutral. It is not trauma based and can be used as a launching pad to get to that trust place with your therapist.

If you can't speak, which is a 'thing' in trauma, then how about writing to your therapist what you did on the weekend? Bring it in with you. Maybe you will find if your therapist asks you questions about what you have written it will help you speak.

 

[Carlycat]

Hi there
Thank you very much for getting back to me.
My therapist is wonderful and has tried many things to help me. She is very patient and tells me often that I don’t need to say anything I don’t want to. I just don’t trust anybody.
I went there because of one thing and I wasn’t expecting it to bring back anything else. I didn’t know most of that stuff was even there and never wanted to remember.
I think that you are right that maybe I need a break. I have to keep going with my life and I’m probably not ready to deal with any of it at the moment. I need to find some stability again.
I promised myself a while ago that now I remembered I wouldn’t give up but I think I am putting too much pressure on myself.
Maybe I should just go and try to talk about the weather or something for a while and see if I calm down a bit.
I hear what you are saying about being difficult to do on your own but I guess that’s how I am most comfortable. Being independent is important to me to the point of being stubborn. It’s a big wall and the thought of someone wanting to help is hard for me let alone me wanting them to help.
I know this is normal, I’ve lurked here long enough. I will think on what you have said.
Thanks again

 

[James McGregor]

No you don't have to talk about anything, but if your not willing to engage in therapy, really your just wasting your and the therapists time. It's a harsh reality I'm afraid, and I say this because we have all been there. Anyone in therapy finds it hard to talk about the hard stuff, if it were easy we wouldn't need to be in therapy at all. Talking is what therapy is for

 

[shimmerz]

really your just wasting your and the therapists time.

I am not certain that the OP is actually even coming to the conclusion that she is needing to look at this is a waste of anyone's time.

I mean, I know when I first went into therapy, I wouldn't clam up, but man oh man I would rattle on and on about everything BUT trauma. I think each of us express our trauma in different ways. Some of us clam up, some of us rattle on, some of us over share.

But from my way of thinking, these things are all clues that we are hiding something. I feel like our way of communicating many times will be a cover up for what lies inside. And I feel like the more we were told not to speak, the more we need to challenge that line of thinking.

And who best to do so with besides our trusted t's?

Not meaning to argue with anyone, but there is a reason we end up in therapy in the first place. Ideally it is to catch what has brought us there in there before we completely melt down because we haven't attended to the issues before the nuclear explosion goes off in our heads, you know?

 

[scout86]

Everyone's experience is going to be a bit different. I took me WAY longer than 6 months to decide my T was probably trustworthy. We've had a lot of conversations about not talking about stuff. His standard reply is that it takes as long as it takes. He says he wants me to get better "as fast as I can, but not faster". He's also said that trying to force a person to talk about things they're not ready to talk about can be retraumatizing and he's pretty careful not to do that. I'm sure different T's approach things differently too, based on their own experience and training. My thought would be to bring up with your T exactly what you brought up in your first post. (I've had quite a few conversations with mine about whether or not I'm wasting his time. He says he'll let me know when he thinks that's happening, that he's quite capable of deciding that for himself. that he appreciates my concern, but he doesn't need me doing his job for him. :rolleyes: :))

 

[Deleted member 8714]

how about writing to your therapist

This is what helped me the most. I'd write in my journal which is on my computer and then print off what I'd written. Then I'd read it or he would read it.

just wasting your... time.

Yes and no. I'd say money more than time. Yet who needs to say anything at all. I'll never forget the very first counselor I saw. The first day she asked me how was your childhood. I couldn't even speak. I just started to cry. I met with her three times a week for the next three weeks and all I did was cry. No words were spoken between us during those three weeks. I can't begin to tell you how much that meant to me to be able to cry without judgment.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I took me WAY longer than 6 months to decide my T was probably trustworthy.

It took me nearly two years when I finally found someone I thought I could trust. That's because a previous T had usurped my trust.

 

[Carlycat]

Thank you for your replies everyone including the PM person.
I do write a lot and sometimes draw too but the problem is sharing anything. The thought of showing my therapist these things is too embarrassing.
I have been doing the work, I have got to the point of having some semblance of a timeline and what actually went on. It’s that I’m doing this on my own. I don’t even feel able to admit I’m doing this to them.
It’s like I’m doing the therapy but in my own time. I think going to see my therapist every week is a way to force myself to keep at it, like I will be letting myself down if I haven’t at least tried to think about things and have something to report.
This isn’t just in therapy, it’s worse there but I almost always give the most evasive answer to any question no matter how small. It’s like that is the only answer there is.
I just have no words for any of it when I’m there, only at home, in private, to myself.
I did have a slightly bad experience with a former therapist that I only saw for a few weeks many years ago. I vowed never to do this again back then. At least I have taken the step to try again even if all I do is sit there and stare into space.
Thank you for all of your help.

 

[Freida]

I went there because of one thing and I wasn’t expecting it to bring back anything else. I didn’t know most of that stuff was even there and never wanted to remember

Oh I can relate to that! I started therapy because I was diagnosed with fibro and I needed some coping skills to deal with how it was destroying my life. When she told me I had PTSD I actually yelled at her - there was no way I had been thru anything bad enough to cause ptsd. Then the memories started really falling into place.

I know when I first went into therapy, I wouldn't clam up, but man oh man I would rattle on and on about everything BUT trauma.

I still do that. She knows how upset I am based on how much I babble about nonsense. It took me a year to trust her - and even then I started with my smaller issues.

I just have no words for any of it when I’m there, only at home, in private, to myself.

r
That may be physical. There is a part of your brain that actually shuts down during trauma - and again when you are talking about trauma. We call it the "blah blah" I'll be yammering along like a relatively intelligent person and then suddenly -- my words are gone. I can't spell CAT! She will usually redirect me to something benign.... like talking about my service dog, or what I'm making for dinner, or...

I don't think you are wasting your time. You will be ready when you are ready. I like the journal idea -- here's another thought. Talk about a tv show or a book you are reading. A random conversation like you would have with someone at a bus stop. It doesn't matter if it is relevant - its about building a relationship. So what if it takes a long time? You are setting a foundation that will hopefully set this person as your guide through the worst things in your life.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I’ve been seeing my T for a year & have just recently been able to really start trusting her but there’s still things I can’t talk about. She has told me that I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to. In fact, i don’t have to do anything i don’t want to do EVER again. She says to only talk about it if it’s going to help me feel better. & it’s okay to take some stuff to your grave if it never comes out. It takes time to open up. I think in the beginning of therapy when we worked on my timeline I thought I had to talk about it so I did. It was terribly uncomfortable & i guess I thought somehow magically speaking it was going to fix everything & I would be on my way. Didn’t quite work that way...after speaking it my walls went up & here I am a year later just now getting to the feeling part of it all...bit by bit, piece by piece, a little at a time. & sometimes i can’t talk at all, my brain just loses all its words. If it’s not time for you to talk about it that’s okay. Just do it in your own time.