Relationship Back on the merry-go-round

[Willowtree]

My ex would constantly isolate as well.

At the time, I did not understand why and he would never tell me. It was like I was left to figure it all out on my own. He is in denial and refuses to get help. He would constantly say "why can't I just be accepted for who I am"? Which in turn I would say "I do accept you for who you are, I just don't understand your actions"!

I like what someone said in this thread about communicating in a healthy way about when you isolate. I don't think us as supporters would have such a problem with it if we were spoken to about it. A lot of ppl who are supporters stay because we are loving, sensitive, and empathetic people. We care and would give anything to help out loved ones.

A lot of the reactions that warrent a "red flag" come from not understanding and fear. I know before I found out about my exs PTSD I was a basket case. I couldn't control my emotions and his distancing made me more and more anxious, which made him isolate more. It was a sad merry-go-round. If I had known what was really going on it would have been a lot easier to not enternalize everything.

Just food for throught for any sufferers who wonder why we try to push when you isolate. It's not right, but Its a reaction to an action.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I'm dealing with an isolation right now. My sufferer was in school in our city and state and decided to finish the next two months of school in another city and state because of something we both dealt with back in September which was brought on by someone else. I took it very personally at first, but due to a friend interceding, I've been able to sustain. It's hard not to take things personally because that's an automatic human reaction when someone is saying,"let's take the relationship off of the table." I now know that a lot of that is probably his ptsd because he always says he loves me and that he doesn't want me to relocate or leave because he needs me in his life. My friend told me that that is the way he is holding on to the relationship and me without calling it a relationship. I understand now; and we talk and text regularly and I try to reassure him that I'm here and I'll be here for him. I find that the more support there is, the better things are in the long run.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Wow! I had to post again. As you read above, my ex was isolating for a few days back in Oct 2017. Back then when he returned I allowed my feelings for him to return (no questions asked). He has now been isolating since right be fore Thanksgiving and I also remember him breaking it off with me right before isolating. Although part of me accepts that it’s due to stress and pressure of some sort, but my gut keeps telling me that it’s due to someone else that’s come into his life. I’ve tried reaching out to him in a loving way on some occasions since the isolation started, but the usual no response is what I get; which is baffling to me, and somewhat disrespectful. If you can post on social media and text friends, then what happened to the person you claimed you had so much love and respect for?

As a supporter I’ve read several stories and comments on this forum and most of them were heart-wrenching coming from other supporters. Following those comments, I’ve read a lot of non-empathetic and somewhat extreme follow-ups to the supporters stories. I need to understand as a supporter, where is our empathy? Does anyone care about our giving and loving to someone who could turn it off and on at any moment? Or to be with someone who could drop you like a dead roach and find someone else? Please understand that I am not minimizing the fact that ptsd is a dreadful illness, but at the same time, loving someone who may or may not love you back without notice is just as painful and mentally and emotionally disturbing.

 

[shimmerz]

Does anyone care about our giving and loving to someone who could turn it off and on at any moment?

I think that what might be helpful to realize is that when a person has survived horrors that others cannot possibly imagine, the sufferer HAS to learn to turn of their feelings. Otherwise they will go certifiably insane. It is a survival mechanism. It isn't about the supporter. What they did, didn't do, etc.

Having said that, I walked away from a relationship in April of last year. I absolutely turned upside down, inside out and backwards to make it okay. So not everyone with PTSD appears to not care about their supporters. It is a symptom, not a character flaw. Nor does it come about because the supporter has character flaws.

Also, if your sufferer has actually taken on a girlfriend, you are talking a whole different ballgame that has nothing to do with PTSD. THAT is a character flaw, not PTSD.

 

[Sighs]

Does anyone care about our giving and loving to someone who could turn it off and on at any moment?

Um... no. Why would anyone care? It's our choice. I'm a supporter of a combat vet. I know exactly how painful it is when he suddenly is emotionally numb or lashes out at me. I get that. But does anyone else care how much pain he causes me? Nope. Who would? My family would rather I left him as they only care about me. His family don't see that there is an issue.

Your post reminded me of when my daughter was very little. She had some medical problems and slept in 20 minute stretches with hours of screaming in between. Did anyone care about me giving my every waking moment - and a fair few sleeping moments - to this small ungrateful pooping, vomiting noise machine? Nope. Not even her father.

:hug: