LuckiLee
VIP Member
And hugs to you. I know it's lame but it seems you could really use one right about now. :)
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Relationship This is a rant - save yourselves & look away now!
- Post starter ByrnesT
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #26
@leehalf believe me I’m asking myself this same question of how I got so involved haha!!
No I suppose it took about 2 months before the illogical arguments & misconstrued situations to really begin. In that first 2 months she did run away a hell of a lot, but I could see she was scared. I sensed there were some issues in her past & without giving me too many details she confirmed that. Plus she had only left her husband 4 months before we met so I put a lot of it down to her simply meeting me way too soon after that. So I empathised a lot with her & the situation, so I ignored some red flags, wanted to prove I wasn’t going to run out on her & ultimately we fell in love very quickly. We can actually be fantastic together. More natural than I’ve ever felt with anyone to be honest. But no, it just never lasts.
I suppose I believed her version of herself as well when we first met. She would tell me what kind of person she was. I did find that a little suspicious cos most people just act & allow others to decide who they are. But I ignored those instincts & maybe fell a little for the image she wanted to project of herself. It didn’t seem such a big deal at the time.
@grimalkin I’m so glad to hear it’s not just me who struggles with the lies you know are being told about you! I’m glad to hear you’re getting stronger at not letting this get to you. I really need to not let it eat me up.
The difficulty I have is, we can tell ourselves “I know the truth & that’s all that matters”. But, my sufferer seems to believe her truth too! And just like me, she would be encouraged to know her own mind. But her “truth” I know is not the truth! I know it shouldn’t but this stuff really eats me up!
This codependency is a new concept for me to have to consider. I’m not sure if all of the criteria quite fits with me...but clearly it also may well do! And I’m certainly going to bring it up with my therapist cos something is undoubtedly going on with me. I know that even with friends & family I have suffered as a result of being too loyal. More often than not only in small ways, but nevertheless it happens & I do hurt from it. I seem to have this sense that once I know what the “right” thing to do is, I can’t not do that. Anything that feels like being remotely selfish fills me with guilt. And I can’t compute when people don’t act the same way.
Not that I’m trying to pain myself as a saint! Believe me I’m far from it!! Haha
- Post starter
- #27
Thank you @leehalf :)
Not really feeling like the butch, manly fireman I’m meant to be right now! Haha! But I’ll definitely take that hug!
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
THIS is exactly what took me almost a year on this site to learn. THIS allowed me to finally get of the roller coaster.
I knew I had changed, I had to to survive, but I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing till I read @Sweetpea76 post here.
OMG!!!! What a great feeling.
@ByrnesT I truly can empathize with your pain. I hope you find your peace. Don’t lose hope. The peace will come from within you, not from someone else.
Take care.
Well, so I was in denial about a lot of abuse and also had a lot of symptoms burried until I had my baby and then severe sleep deprivation.
It all came out then.
So, it was a blessing in a way even though the whole experience caused me some trauma because no med worked for me, but actually caused withdrawal.
Anyways, I still would have gone into therapy with out all of that.
I like therapy.
mumstheword
VIP Member
The only way I could find myself in all that confusion, transference, projection, gaslighting and accusations was by spending time with people that weren't sick like that.
Even now i go through second questioning myself regularly. I was in that place a long time though, from my mentally unwell mother (who wasn't honest, much the same sort of dishonest denial and projection) to the 21 years with a man who probably has BPD, but will never admit to any calpability. I was slandered as a psychopath he said this to my kids doctor, who was shocked, horrified and after she told me this she said "are you sure you want to be with someone who says that about you?" It was one of my wake up calls. Iconstantly told I was "crazy" and I ended up believing him, because in the long run, it does badly affect your sense of reality and self identity.
I'm glad you are checking in.here for reality checks! Don't feel pathetic! Pathetic is staying in It for so long that you are utterly shattered by the time you get out!
What you are doing is proactive and resourceful and honest and sensible, far from pathetic!
Even now i go through second questioning myself regularly. I was in that place a long time though, from my mentally unwell mother (who wasn't honest, much the same sort of dishonest denial and projection) to the 21 years with a man who probably has BPD, but will never admit to any calpability. I was slandered as a psychopath he said this to my kids doctor, who was shocked, horrified and after she told me this she said "are you sure you want to be with someone who says that about you?" It was one of my wake up calls. Iconstantly told I was "crazy" and I ended up believing him, because in the long run, it does badly affect your sense of reality and self identity.
I'm glad you are checking in.here for reality checks! Don't feel pathetic! Pathetic is staying in It for so long that you are utterly shattered by the time you get out!
What you are doing is proactive and resourceful and honest and sensible, far from pathetic!
- Post starter
- #31
Thanks again everyone. And thank you for sharing your own stories in order to help me. I’m really very grateful & wish I could reply to you all individually & talk more with you cos I’m interested to learn from everyone. But I’m aware I write too much on here as it is!
I don’t want to paint an image of myself as a shrinking violet who doesn’t see what is happening & is oblivious to the way she treats me. I’m aware, I just don’t know why I stay. I believe I have been subjected to emotional abuse, but I’m also not downtrodden, just frustrated & upset. In fact it’s because I have quite a strong mindset that I know exactly what she does & I am willing to call her on it. I don’t go in angry at all of course but I will try to speak to her about things she’s done. It’s a big part of why she then explodes is cos I point out her behaviour. She hates me for it...yet she has also told me she needs someone who’ll do that & loves me for it. But as said many times now, she never actually accepts what I’ve said or takes responsibility or makes efforts to change.
As a teenager she rebelled as a result of the life she had been exposed to & went a bit off the rails. She got herself back out of that luckily & got herself back on track, something she should be immensely proud of. Unfortunately I still see that rebellious teenager who just wants to tell the whole world to “f*** off” & behave however she wants tho. In my mind it’s like she learnt to function but never actually resolved anything. She just knows how to hide it from everybody, except me. She has said in the past she needs me to be almost parental with her. But I’ve explained I can never be that. This is a relationship, if it’s not working or I’m treated poorly then I get to leave, unlike a parent. Plus, she never listens to me anyway so it seems more like she just wants someone she can treat however she feels at that time while they give her all the security & everything she wants from them. I don’t think she really understands how to love intimately or to give to someone, other than her children.
Anyway, she has said she’s going to take some time now. She says she’s listened to what I’ve said & she’s trying to process & absorb it. She says she wants to believe what I’m saying but at the moment she can’t. She says the reason things have been so hard for us is because I make her “feel” & she never has with anyone before. But as a result what comes with that feeling is huge fear.
And this is the conundrum for me; I understand all that. I empathise with it. She had an awful life as a child & to love someone is terrifying for her. And that’s why I always wanted to believe in her & felt I could see a better way for us one day. But, her behaviour has also been really quite bad for the overwhelming majority of our time together. That can’t all be excused or just ignored. It can’t all be a post-trauma reaction.
I’ve agreed she should take that time to really think. I’ve suggested it many times to her in the past. I’ve said I’ll always want to hear what she eventually has to say, whenever that is. But that I won’t blindly wait around in hope either.
And I’ll continue to question what it is I want & why.
I don’t want to paint an image of myself as a shrinking violet who doesn’t see what is happening & is oblivious to the way she treats me. I’m aware, I just don’t know why I stay. I believe I have been subjected to emotional abuse, but I’m also not downtrodden, just frustrated & upset. In fact it’s because I have quite a strong mindset that I know exactly what she does & I am willing to call her on it. I don’t go in angry at all of course but I will try to speak to her about things she’s done. It’s a big part of why she then explodes is cos I point out her behaviour. She hates me for it...yet she has also told me she needs someone who’ll do that & loves me for it. But as said many times now, she never actually accepts what I’ve said or takes responsibility or makes efforts to change.
As a teenager she rebelled as a result of the life she had been exposed to & went a bit off the rails. She got herself back out of that luckily & got herself back on track, something she should be immensely proud of. Unfortunately I still see that rebellious teenager who just wants to tell the whole world to “f*** off” & behave however she wants tho. In my mind it’s like she learnt to function but never actually resolved anything. She just knows how to hide it from everybody, except me. She has said in the past she needs me to be almost parental with her. But I’ve explained I can never be that. This is a relationship, if it’s not working or I’m treated poorly then I get to leave, unlike a parent. Plus, she never listens to me anyway so it seems more like she just wants someone she can treat however she feels at that time while they give her all the security & everything she wants from them. I don’t think she really understands how to love intimately or to give to someone, other than her children.
Anyway, she has said she’s going to take some time now. She says she’s listened to what I’ve said & she’s trying to process & absorb it. She says she wants to believe what I’m saying but at the moment she can’t. She says the reason things have been so hard for us is because I make her “feel” & she never has with anyone before. But as a result what comes with that feeling is huge fear.
And this is the conundrum for me; I understand all that. I empathise with it. She had an awful life as a child & to love someone is terrifying for her. And that’s why I always wanted to believe in her & felt I could see a better way for us one day. But, her behaviour has also been really quite bad for the overwhelming majority of our time together. That can’t all be excused or just ignored. It can’t all be a post-trauma reaction.
I’ve agreed she should take that time to really think. I’ve suggested it many times to her in the past. I’ve said I’ll always want to hear what she eventually has to say, whenever that is. But that I won’t blindly wait around in hope either.
And I’ll continue to question what it is I want & why.
She is still blaming you for making her feel.
That is ridiculous.
No wonder she is avoiding therapy. She does not want to feel.
That is probably part of how she got her life together by not feeling.
- Post starter
- #33
@Scarlet13 maybe you’re right. I always wondered how she managed to be with her ex for 12 years when she can’t manage a few days with me. And she says they barely argued compared to her time with me (& I’m taking that with a pinch of salt! But it must have been at least a lot less). But she says this is because she was never in love with him, he was just safe & he never really took much interest in her or the children. And as much as she left him cos she was eventually admitted to herself she wasn’t happy...I also think that relationship suited her down to the ground. No real feelings, no one trying to share her life with her (controlling it in her eyes) & she could keep him at a distance. But as you say, it’s not my fault that she does actually have feelings for me.
I don’t have all that much to add to the great advice others have offered here. I’ve said somewhere else on here that it’s both a blessing and a curse to know all about their background. A blessing because we deep down know it’s not us or our fault things are as they are. A curse because it will always give us an explanation/excuse to continue. In a strange way it also gives us hope. Being as we are, problem solvers most likely, “knowing” what’s most likely at cause for their behavior makes the solution and path to proper healing more evident.
I had to put “knowing” in quotes though because we don’t know. Codpendence and bad boundaries manifest in a blind spot to seeing where you end and the other begins. There is a lot of projection as to what you yourself would do in this situation, what you would think about yourself, the other, and the consequence to that. It’s taken me a long while to learn (weirdly) but I can’t and don’t want to put myself in the mental space of someone who clearly has a disorder.
It’s the process of “following his logic” that has had me second guessing myself as you describe and forget who I know I am. I’ve since stopped trying I reason with crazy, as someone else up here has aptly prescribed. If anything, this experience has taught me once and for all how important it is to know WHO I AM, and not let anyone tell me otherwise. The difference in my case is, however, that the better my boundaries get, the more he is left to having to look at himself, knowing it can’t have been me (because I didn’t engage.) I don’t know if your SO is ready or able to do that as well.
I had to put “knowing” in quotes though because we don’t know. Codpendence and bad boundaries manifest in a blind spot to seeing where you end and the other begins. There is a lot of projection as to what you yourself would do in this situation, what you would think about yourself, the other, and the consequence to that. It’s taken me a long while to learn (weirdly) but I can’t and don’t want to put myself in the mental space of someone who clearly has a disorder.
It’s the process of “following his logic” that has had me second guessing myself as you describe and forget who I know I am. I’ve since stopped trying I reason with crazy, as someone else up here has aptly prescribed. If anything, this experience has taught me once and for all how important it is to know WHO I AM, and not let anyone tell me otherwise. The difference in my case is, however, that the better my boundaries get, the more he is left to having to look at himself, knowing it can’t have been me (because I didn’t engage.) I don’t know if your SO is ready or able to do that as well.
D
Deleted member 12723
I believe that real love wants the best for the SO and she is not wanting the best for you obviously and do you want the best for her which would be to get her self into therapy to become a better person. Do you see her wanting to do this on her own without pressure from you to get better for herself or is she content with the way things are?
Sometimes you do have to draw boundaries and set limits on your loved ones to protect your own sanity.
Sometimes you do have to draw boundaries and set limits on your loved ones to protect your own sanity.
Butterflies2023
Bronze Member
You describe a very toxic relationship
Get out while you can because there is more going on than PTSD.
I have PTSD and that surely does not describe me.
Stick to counseling and learn more about yourself - hopefully this will lead you to the right mate.
Get out while you can because there is more going on than PTSD.
I have PTSD and that surely does not describe me.
Stick to counseling and learn more about yourself - hopefully this will lead you to the right mate.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
