Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[Justmehere]

The christmas part wasnt very nice on his end, & he knows that hence his texts about being sorry he couldnt be there and etc. But what would you suggest about new years?

Make fun plans with other friends. Perhaps invite him along, and if he comes, great, and if not, then at least you are still getting a chance to connect with others around the holidays.

 

[mumstheword]

I don't sleep well when I don't have my guy with me. When he is I usually do. He's here now but I've been really symptomatic today, a particularly tough day. I did a PTSD test the other day with my therapist. Apparently I am in the "severe" range, which isn't as bad a "extreme" but worse than moderate or mild. It's been a particularly bad year for me, but don't worry :-) the years almost over and I get to go to hospital for a 3 week trauma program early in the New year.
I'm super glad that I am helping :-)

 

[krisss]

Make fun plans with other friends. Perhaps invite him along, and if he comes, great, and if not, the...

I did invite him, I guess we'll see what happens then .

I don't sleep well when I don't have my guy with me. When he is I usually do. He's here now but I'v...

Thats actually how he is, he doesnt sleep well when he's not with me. I really wish he would get some kind of help, but I dont see it happening any time soon. Ugh.

Im so happy for you! hopefully a new year brings many good new things to your life, you deserve it.

 

[Justmehere]

I did invite him, I guess we'll see what happens then .

That’s really all you can do in terms of him spending New Years with you. If it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t come, then let him know what you need to stay in this friends-with-benefits relationship - and if he doesn’t come, walk away.

There is a hard reality that I think you are missing by asking again and again, what can you do? You can encourage him to come, directly express what you need, set boundaries when you need to do so, and/or walk away. But changing him? Not within the realm of what you can do. Only he can do that, and he’s not interested in changing.

 

[LuckiLee]

Alot of veterans have "anniversary dates" during the holidays.

My guy suffered many traumas while deployed during the holidays. And a couple committed suicide while on leave. Not to mention all the holidays he's missed with his kids because he was deployed. That's enough to make anyone isolate, depressed, anxious, angry...

The poor guy is just trying to get through the moment, day, week....

 

[Mytime]

I can understand your confusion. Your looking for answers, because he seems all over the place. Sometimes answer are with words and sometimes with actions. Let’s talk actions.
1- he tells you he loves you
2- he hugs,kisses,cuddles with you.
3- you are intimate sexuality
4- he tells you your beautiful
5- you have a great friendship
( which is great, because it can help get you through hard times if the friendship is strong)
6- he does stay the night with you
7- he wants to send time with you.
Now words
1- he says he loves you.
2- he tells you your beautiful.
3- he makes plans with you.
You said you feel like it’s the relationship you had before your break up and he moved out. So maybe it’s hard for him to say your in a relationship, because his expectation of a relationship are hard for him to meet. But the expectations of a friendship he can do. A relationship leads to sometimes marriage,kids etc. A friendship not so much. This could be his way of being in a relationship with you with not having the expectations that he can’t handle right now. So can you for right now can you be happy with what he can offer? Is there something more you need. Do you need to set a boundary? Like, if we are going to have this kind of friendship, can we both agree. No sleep with other people, do to respect of each other and for health safety. I agree with justmehere, about making New Years plans with your friends. If he can come with you great.
If he can’t then your not alone.
As far as Christmas, I’m so sorry you were alone. I know you put some hints out there for him, but men don’t really think like us. They have one thought at a time. They have Direct thinking and not as much emotional thinking, like us. Our thinking never shuts down and is all connected. Men think in boxes, they only open the box for what they need.
Box 1 food
Box 2 sex
Box 3 work etc.
Women are more “ I need to go to grocery store , oh I’m out of shampoo. Maybe I’ll stop and get some wine,we always have good talks when we have wine by the fire. I should maybe buy that soap he likes, oh and I have to get lunch meat, lol.
So you you want something or need something you have to knock on the box. Keep up with yourself care. Put you first, you can’t support him if you are not healthy. We all need to be ourself before we can support someone else. You have to be alright with being alone at times and you can’t do that unless your good on your own. Sending support.

 

[Freida]

Alot of veterans have "anniversary dates" during the holidays.

The poor guy is just trying to get through the moment, day, week...

For me it hits right after the holidays and the month of January is a series of just trying to stay alive for 1 more minute. Hubby and everyone else around me knows that I am going to be a raving bitch for the next 4 weeks. Their feelings are not my problem nor my responsibility. I'm to busy trying to stay alive. Is it fair? nope. Is it right? nope Do I care? nope.
They can stick around or not. I don't care.

Each year I get a bit better about preparing and trying to get some of the extreme reactions on the back burner. This year i'm better prepared than I have ever been -- and then I look back on what I just wrote and think.... hmmm should I admit how much this thread is suddenly pissing me off? Which is odd because it didn't bother me two days ago. But today -- yea. I'm pissed as I write this. Why? Beats me. I just am. Anniversary reaction

@krisss this is what it's like to live with ptsd. I know my reactions are wrong - but right now I don't care. And there is very little any of my loved ones can do to help me through this because I'm lost inside my own head. I don't have the ability to be rational and my people just have to deal with it because they cannot fix it. They ride it out and welcome me back when I'm done. Or not. Right now I don't care. Come February?? yea -- that's when its time to make amends. but until then? It's really hard to give a damn about anything.

 

[krisss]

@Mytime - You explained everything perfectly, and put a lot into perspective. I sometimes get lost in my own thoughts like you say, and i expect certain situations to happen certain ways but that is only because that is how I want them, not how he does. I have to learn to let go of some of the control.

I did however want to give everyone an update -

He spent new years with me at my best friend's house! He was very open, he put a few pictures of me on his social media (snapchat) which to me was OMG GREAT, because, he showed his friends he was with ME on new years. I'm not sure if I had mentioned it already but it sometimes felt like he was hiding me, or not wanting to show people he was with me (hence why I wanted to be wherever he was on new years) but He's opening back up! We had a great time, we danced, and kissed and socialized, and things were very good. He changed my name back in his phone from just my normal name to Babe, which is a step for him. Just little things I noticed. He even took me back to HIS best friends house after mine, and introduced me to everyone. One of his friends was like " She seems like such a good girl, and a keeper" & He responded " She is, and oh she will be kept"
He got a little drunk and ended up pulling me to the side and said " i know sometimes i'm difficult to handle, and I know sometimes, im an asshole to you, but don't ever doubt that I love you, and I always want this and you. I don't always know how to show it, or tell you, but just know that I do." Gahhhhhhh, blushing. lol

We are not officially back together yet, at least I don't think we are. But its definitely a big move in that direction.

I know things will still sometimes be rough, and he'll flare up here and there. But everyone on this posting, forum, WEBSITE has helped tremendously.

I hope everyone had a good new year and have an even better year overall, than they've ever had.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@Mytime - You explained everything perfectly, and put a lot into perspective. I somet...

This has really inspired me a great deal. I’m don’t know if things will always be great or that things will remain the way they are, but it seems like you have made a giant leap into the right direction. Ptsd is so unpredictable you just don’t know what you’re going to get from one day to the next. Although I’m currently in a shut -out/block and he’s been isolating since before Thanksgiving, I have hope that one day he’ll be returning. There’s been very little communication between us since then, and he said he needed more time which means he hasn’t given up. So all I can do is stand by for now with hopes of reconnecting our friendship. No pressures of a relationship or focus on love; because I know he loves me; he told me all of the time. I’ve learned to just let things be the way they are; they have to have control over their lives.

 

[krisss]

This has really inspired me a great deal. I’m don’t know if things will always be great or that things...

Things still arent 100% or perfect, but the fact that I can just notice things are really pushing me to be hopeful for the future, and our future. I love him, i know he loves me, and with this websites help, i know how to handle certain situations.

If you truly believe he loves you, just be patient. TRUST ME, easier said than done im the most impatient person in the entire universe! But, you'll either grow into him, or grow into yourself. & either way, that seems like a pretty good win-win to me.

Have faith, keep strong, and live in the present* moment. Then and only then, will you start to feel ease. Not dwelling on the past or the future, but right now. I really don't have too much room to give advice, hence my own issues leading up to now. But thats one of the better things ive learned from this experience overall.

 

[Buttercup]

I think living in the moment without setting relationship expectations is great advice. There is the issue of finding balance with that and setting certain boundaries too.

 

[krisss]

Update:

Anyone want to help out? I'm feeling a little misguided, confused again. I fear to be falling back from the progress I thought we had made. :(