I don't know if I am going to be doing this right. I am just trying to find a way to work through all of this. Trying to take it all in at once is too hard. There were just so many years of hell, hell there still here. So I have decided to pick one event or memory at a time. Something that keeps nagging at me or hurting. That way maybe if I work all the way through it and how I feel about it, I can finally get it to let go.
One of the really bad memories is when my ex smashed in my face. I was working the closing shift at the local fast food place. My ex and I lived in a small apartment building. By this time we had been fighting enough that I had moved to my own apartment in the same building since I needed him to watch the baby so I could work. He didn't work. Anyway I got home around 2 am and found him and my roommate ( a friend of ours who needed a place to stay ) Upstairs at the neighbors house drinking. My friend was not, he was designated baby watcher. When I got there my ex was being very rude and nasty to everyone so my neighbors asked if I could get him to leave. I was able to talk him into leaving, but we started arguing on the way down the stairs. My friend went ahead and into our apartment, but I had my baby in my arms and stayed in the hallway arguing with my ex. When I was done arguing with him I turned and went into my apartment. When I turned around to close the door he ran up and punched me in the face as hard as he could. I almost dropped our daughter but was able to hand her off to my friend before I fell down. If he had swung just an inch to the left he would have hit her! The next thing I knew my friend had forced him out of my apartment and locked the door. By this time I couldn't even see out of my left eye. My ex started pounding and kicking my front door hard enough to probably break it. I don't know what I was thinking except I wanted him to stop scaring my baby. So I answered the door. He immediately fell to his knees begging for forgiveness. I didn't want to hear it and then my friend said he was calling the police. That got my ex really mad and he started to threaten my friend. So I begged my friend to just take my baby and go back to the neighbors and let me handle it. Stupid, I was so stupid. But I thought the threat was over now. When my friend left he started to cry and beg me to forgive him again and brought me ice. Of all of the things that could have been running through my mind at that moment, for some reason I was just worrying about an important meeting with the Owner of my work I had in the morning, and the appointment with the social worker I had the next day too. So I just told him to leave me alone for now. I didn't call the cops, I didn't get any medical attention even though I obviously needed it. Then to make things worse he got angry again because I wouldn't let him "prove" how sorry he was. That since I was saying no to him I must be f*****g someone else. So he proceeded to pin me down and rape me in as painful a way as he could for over an hour I was in absolute hell. What made it so much worse was that the entire time, even though I was crying, and begging for him to stop hurting me he kept insisting he loved me. And after all of that he left, went to his apartment. I went and got my friend thanked the neighbors and put my daughter to bed. No one, not my neighbors, not even my friend said anything. The whole left side of my face was red and purple and swollen out of proportion. My ex is a very large man he is 6'4 and weighs about 310. I on the other hand am 5'6 and weighed about 140. The next day I had my meeting, and when the owner asked what happened my general manager just said not to worry about it. She spoke to me afterwards and said she knew what had happened as she was abused too and offered to talk. I was mortified and just said no thank you. She never mentioned it again. In fact for weeks on end no one could look me in the face, yet no one said anything. I think I am almost more angry about that feeling of abandonment than I am the pain and humiliation he caused me. He has done so much more and worse, but this instant stands out for me soo much, my jaw was actually permanently messed up due to that incident and I spent years as a pain patient and had to undergo countless surgeries to fix it. All was worse because I didn't get it looked at for years and for years it was wearing wrong and destroying the joint.
So there. There's one memory that still haunts me and pains me. I want to know why I didn't do something, I felt the cops would just piss him off, and I really didn't know what else to do. I felt I had nowhere to go because he had threatened to hurt anyone I went to, and I believed him, he liked to inflict pain. There is so much blame on him here, but I am still ashamed of myself for not being braver and fighting even though I was terrified. Everything that happened after this could have been changed or maybe never happened. Ugh now that I have written all of this I don't know how it will help me any. I am going to post it anyway and look at it from time to time, maybe I will get something from it. I also wouldn't mind any help anyone has to offer or insight? I'm new to all of this and I just want a life back.
One of the really bad memories is when my ex smashed in my face. I was working the closing shift at the local fast food place. My ex and I lived in a small apartment building. By this time we had been fighting enough that I had moved to my own apartment in the same building since I needed him to watch the baby so I could work. He didn't work. Anyway I got home around 2 am and found him and my roommate ( a friend of ours who needed a place to stay ) Upstairs at the neighbors house drinking. My friend was not, he was designated baby watcher. When I got there my ex was being very rude and nasty to everyone so my neighbors asked if I could get him to leave. I was able to talk him into leaving, but we started arguing on the way down the stairs. My friend went ahead and into our apartment, but I had my baby in my arms and stayed in the hallway arguing with my ex. When I was done arguing with him I turned and went into my apartment. When I turned around to close the door he ran up and punched me in the face as hard as he could. I almost dropped our daughter but was able to hand her off to my friend before I fell down. If he had swung just an inch to the left he would have hit her! The next thing I knew my friend had forced him out of my apartment and locked the door. By this time I couldn't even see out of my left eye. My ex started pounding and kicking my front door hard enough to probably break it. I don't know what I was thinking except I wanted him to stop scaring my baby. So I answered the door. He immediately fell to his knees begging for forgiveness. I didn't want to hear it and then my friend said he was calling the police. That got my ex really mad and he started to threaten my friend. So I begged my friend to just take my baby and go back to the neighbors and let me handle it. Stupid, I was so stupid. But I thought the threat was over now. When my friend left he started to cry and beg me to forgive him again and brought me ice. Of all of the things that could have been running through my mind at that moment, for some reason I was just worrying about an important meeting with the Owner of my work I had in the morning, and the appointment with the social worker I had the next day too. So I just told him to leave me alone for now. I didn't call the cops, I didn't get any medical attention even though I obviously needed it. Then to make things worse he got angry again because I wouldn't let him "prove" how sorry he was. That since I was saying no to him I must be f*****g someone else. So he proceeded to pin me down and rape me in as painful a way as he could for over an hour I was in absolute hell. What made it so much worse was that the entire time, even though I was crying, and begging for him to stop hurting me he kept insisting he loved me. And after all of that he left, went to his apartment. I went and got my friend thanked the neighbors and put my daughter to bed. No one, not my neighbors, not even my friend said anything. The whole left side of my face was red and purple and swollen out of proportion. My ex is a very large man he is 6'4 and weighs about 310. I on the other hand am 5'6 and weighed about 140. The next day I had my meeting, and when the owner asked what happened my general manager just said not to worry about it. She spoke to me afterwards and said she knew what had happened as she was abused too and offered to talk. I was mortified and just said no thank you. She never mentioned it again. In fact for weeks on end no one could look me in the face, yet no one said anything. I think I am almost more angry about that feeling of abandonment than I am the pain and humiliation he caused me. He has done so much more and worse, but this instant stands out for me soo much, my jaw was actually permanently messed up due to that incident and I spent years as a pain patient and had to undergo countless surgeries to fix it. All was worse because I didn't get it looked at for years and for years it was wearing wrong and destroying the joint.
So there. There's one memory that still haunts me and pains me. I want to know why I didn't do something, I felt the cops would just piss him off, and I really didn't know what else to do. I felt I had nowhere to go because he had threatened to hurt anyone I went to, and I believed him, he liked to inflict pain. There is so much blame on him here, but I am still ashamed of myself for not being braver and fighting even though I was terrified. Everything that happened after this could have been changed or maybe never happened. Ugh now that I have written all of this I don't know how it will help me any. I am going to post it anyway and look at it from time to time, maybe I will get something from it. I also wouldn't mind any help anyone has to offer or insight? I'm new to all of this and I just want a life back.
