"kill me now," is what i say when i get in the car after therapy

[Rose White]

And I just cringe at myself the whole way home. I feel like I want to slap myself on the face. I did it before, but I didn't do it today.

I'm just so polite and so timely. I always keep track of the time and I pack up and leave on the nose.

I guess it's the shame that is controlling me. I guess I'm supposed to tell her that I say that to myself when I get in the car, if it's happening over and over again.

*curse word*

What do I need? Do I need support? Do I need advice? I don't know.

When I'm driving home I think, why don't I just stop going to therapy and allow myself to die like I really want to? I think, "Why do you even go to therapy?" It's just smiling and talking and "Don't be so hard on yourself."

I am not suicidal. I'm not. I just don't like myself when I'm around the therapist. She understands herself. I don't. I'm trying. I. Am. Trying.

 

[Gamereign555]

Do you know what your goals are in therapy? I’m currently looking for a therapist again because I stopped going along time ago. But now that I want to go back I have my own goals in mind. Goals I will share with my therapist. I think this will help keep me on track. Maybe it could help you?

 

[LuckiLee]

What do you say to yourself on the way to therapy? That might be more important to look at. Everyone feels like crap after therapy. Even people who made progress in their session.

Like you said, you're trying. That's awesome!

 

[Freida]

I hate how I feel walking out and for about the next 24 hours. And I wonder why I keep putting myself thru it. Then I get up and do it again the next week. I have to have hubby and bestie track my progress because I just don't see it. That helps a bit....

 

[GhostKat]

And I just cringe at myself the whole way home. I feel like I want to slap myself on the face....

For what it’s worth, that’s *exactly* how I feel. I don’t find solace in knowing others are suffering as I am, but I couldn’t turn away and not respond to your post on the offhand chance that something I write might help you just a little. I’m polite, timely, watching the clock (isn’t that his job, but still...), and Trying. So. D**m. Hard. I can’t even count how many times I left my last therapist whispering to myself “kill me now, God, please just let me die.” I don’t know your situation, but I switched therapists and now have some hope. Maybe you need to change therapists, too (?) I don’t know- anything is worth a shot at this point, right? But, again, I don’t mean to assume anthing about where you’re at. I hope you find some peace or at least a moment of relief now and then. My heart goes out to you. Don’t give up.

 

[Gamereign555]

I hate how I feel walking out and for about the next 24 hours. And I wonder why I keep putting myself th...

I hear you there… A good therapist is in it for you for the long run though. Instant gratification is always nice I know. But delving into the fringes of how our minds are working to develop new understanding is stressful but necessary and sometimes it is even designed that way as to help us be exposed to what we may be suppressing.

 

[Rose White]

Thank you for your support! That’s exactly what I needed.

I didn’t realize that others had similar experiences and it helps tremendously to realize that.

Sometimes I think this T is preparing me for my next (unknown) T and that’s why I can’t quite settle.

It helps to see the progress. I don’t have any supporters in my life that could chart it for me, but I myself, with validation from my T, have noticed progress.

Instant gratification is always nice I know. But delving into the fringes of how our minds are working to develop new understanding is stressful but necessary and sometimes it is even designed that way as to help us be exposed to what we may be suppressing.

Yes, the insight which comes from the tension and then becomes a catalyst for action—the process of individuation. Patience is required, not instant gratification.

What do you say to yourself on the way to therapy?

On the way to therapy I flip flop between reviewing my week and distracting myself with super loud music. I wonder to myself if I will ever grieve in session.

 

[Freida]

I wonder to myself if I will ever grieve in session.

that's my holy grail!

 

[Dee2018]

The same thing happens to me, when I’m not in Her office my head is Exploding with things and when I get there I can’t talk. All of a sudden I can’t form a thought in my head.

I started writing down things and bringing it to therapy. I have to just say to her- I am messed up this is what my head was exploding with this week. Maybe he thstcwill help. Otherwise you are wasting money.

Also she could be wrong therapist for you. People shop around and if you can do that maybe you should.

I’m also at a crossroads and am going to try somatic therapy and maybe brainspotting. Just talking isn’t helping me much.

Good luck.

 

[shimmerz]

When I first started going to T-doc - back when I had no idea the implications of my Chronic Complex PTSD diagnosis, I remember walking out to my car after a session and breathing like a child who has been crying too much. I had NO idea what that was. I do now. I was regressed. The breathing was a somatic response to the topics we were covering. The possibility that I was abused prior to my adoption.

You say you slapped yourself across the face. Do you recall this happening when you were younger? Were you slapped across the face as far as you can recall? I would start there.

 

[Rose White]

I did not say this to myself this week and my reaction was only like a tenth as strong, dissipated and low intensity.

The thing with the face slapping feels very much like a baby slapping their mom in an angry tantrum.

It’s not just my inner parent who can criticize but I’m realizing that the inner child has a heck of a lot to say as well.

But I don’t think the inner child would say kill me? Or maybe yes she would because she is talking to the responsible adult.

I think the inner child wants to control the T, tell her what to do and what she wants, and she gets mad at the responsible adult (me driving) for not having let her try to get her way during session.

That’s my best way of understanding it right now. T still said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” again at the end of session but it didn’t have the abrasive quality it did previously. I think I’m becoming a little more open to receiving verbal care.