Sufferer What do i do - domestic violence & abusive relationships

[wish4peace]

Hi there,

I'm just here to let it all out and maybe have someone understand or offer me some word of kindness or hope.

Here is my story. I've been emotionally abused since I was a child mainly by my mother. Just treating me as if I'm not really human and have no wants or needs. Before leaving the house I had an abusive boyfriend and was addicted to drugs. The continued for about 10 years over than span of 3 abusive partners. The last one was the worst and I think that's when I developed PTSD. The one before the last one also put me in a near death experience but the everyday chaos wasn't as bad as the last one. All these men controlled what I did in life and who I hung out with. They controlled me with threats of leaving (which I should have graciously accepted), social embarrassments and put downs. The whole time I always kind of missed this one guy who actually treated me with kindness. Anyways we ended up getting back together and I felt like I had to make it work even though I know he wasn't helping with my PTSD. I kind of ruined my routine and quiet environment by letting him move in. Shortly after I had a melt down at work and cried for about a year after everyday at work. Now that I am back feeling a bit less crazy I feel like a fool for crying for an entire year. I've lost any friends I had during all my abuse relationships and also my last couple years of crying everyday. Anyways now I just feel all alone, full of shame and still crazy. I'm approaching the age where I should have a child by now and I just feel like I've spent my entire life in pain. I don't know what to do from here.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome. :hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi. Glad you're reaching out for support. You came to the right place. Are you in any type of therapy now? It sounds like you're ready to try to heal. It won't be easy but you have all of us now.

Good luck on your journey!

 

[Supervixn]

I congratulate you for sharing and having courage enough to seek support.

I feel a lot of regret coming from you. You did what you knew. Your journey, along with all of your "missteps" have been part of a bigger plan to find bigger healing. We have to express and "work out" what we need to, and it's such a great thing that you've come to a better understanding! Don't discount all of your missteps, as they were neccessary to get to this point. Don't beat yourself up for either not knowing better or not having the inner resources to know how to work off of that knowledge. You sound like you possess a lot of wisdom and I want to remind you, respectfully, that we only do our BEST with what we have and what we know.

You are now in a wonderful position to find healing and a better life. You are wiser. You are BETTER! Don't get stuck in that regret. We don't know until we do. You sound like a person with EARNED wisdom, who is seeking a better existance and I again congratulate you. Welcome, friend! You got this! You need your own support above all, so honor yourself and the importance of your journey. You're still standing! Just be honest and do your very best. You will get where you need to be. Be your own best friend and don't beat yourself up-- life has done enough of that, hasn't it? Welcome :)

 

[wish4peace]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

 

[Ann Barry]

Hi there,

I'm just here to let it all out and maybe have someone understand or offer me some word o...

Don't understand if you are getting abused now OR if you are suffering now from past abuses. No matter, you are in distress/upset today,
so I wanted you to receive a response. For whatever it's worth, I empathize: I've had abusive boyfriends {+ 1 sick husband} too.
I have done Lots of study & application about all kinds of abuses, addictions, attachment theory, shame based identity, trauma bonding, codependency/love addiction, depressions, narcissism/character disorders, etc.
Information has helped me. Application of knowledge was harder, but helped me more. What has helped me the best/most is Prevention - Look for abuser traits from day 1 and/or End relationship immediately/completely at 1st sign of any abuse.
I Can't change past trauma, but I Can prevent further trauma. I wish YOU & all trauma victims self-protection via Prevention too.