Physical illness sending me over the edge

[ShodokanJenn]

I've got a pretty severe case of pneumonia. High fever, quite hard to breathe, constant coughing, fluid and pus and blood coming up with each cough, intense chest, back, and shoulder pain... basically, everything you'd expect someone to see if they developed pneumonia and ignored it a couple days because they wanted to see their GP instead of going to urgent care.

When I was quit young, when bad things were happening, there were many occasions where I'd get my face (nose and mouth) covered and/or the entire weight of an adult on my 3,4,5 year old chest, and breathing would be so impossible that I'd black out.

The way I feel right now, is sending my mind persistently and staunchly back to those times. Not so much images or conscious thoughts, but the emotions. The terror, the panic, the resignation, the overwhelming 'impending doom.'
On top of that, I'm petrified I'll end up with sepsis again. I had it in 2011, and came very, very close to death.

I can't seem to pull my head out of this. I usually can deep-breathe my way out of anxiety, and focus my mind on what I use to meditate. But not right now. Deep breathing isn't possible. Too much coughing and too much pain and too much fluid in my lung. Meditating isn't possible, because the noise of breathing - crackling, rattling, wheezing, and this weird low-pitched rumble thing - is so pervasive. My mind can't tune it out (didn't sleep at ALL last night because of it).

Ideas... I need ideas. Deep-breathing and meditation are out. Sleep is out. Lorazepam didn't help. I tried the 5,4,3,2,1 thing. And now I'm stuck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Are you able to go to the emergency at your hospital because you sound seriously sick and probably need IV antibiotics among other things to take care of you?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I spent all day at the clinic, getting IV antibiotics, and they sent me home with oral antibiotics and two inhalers. I really, genuinely hate being in the hospital (I've spent WAY too much time there for infections), but if tonight sees things continuing to go downhill, I'll go to the ER.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

I’m sorry I’ve been very sick lately too, bruised ribs, coughing blood, concussion, I’m sorry, sending my support your way I know it’s rough wanted you to know you aren’t alone. For grounding, counting things helps sometimes, count how many things you see that are blue in the room, how many things are pink etc, find 5 objects and note color and size, tapping can help too, tapping fingers, bilateral tapping :) hoping for a good recovery for you, take care :)

 

[joeylittle]

Can you do a soothing or distracting task? Soothing, like hot tea, or soak feet...anything sensory. Distracting like crosswords, phone games, knit/crochet, read, anything of that sort?

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Can you do a soothing or distracting task? Soothing, like hot tea, or soak feet...anything sensory....

Great idea :) crocheting helps a ton I’ve been doing a lot of that maybe that can help :)

 

[Friday]

Ideas... I need ideas. Deep-breathing and meditation are out. Sleep is out. Lorazepam didn't help. I tried the 5,4,3,2,1 thing. And now I'm stuck.

Acceptance. It’s going to be here, for awhile.

Drowning -and other things, like hospitals- are in my trauma history. When I was hospitalized for pneumonia a year and a half ago? I was triggered 6 ways from Sunday.

One of the things that helped me the most was recognizing the triggers. Yes. I see you. (And no, I don’t care... Aaaaargh. I WISH! Lol. But I did work on it.). Okay. This is this. That is that. I’m triggered right now by this. I’m stressed by that, that, and this other. Breathe. (Ish). It’s just a trigger. Let it go. Back off from it. Breathe (ish). This is going to be happening for awhile. And then it will be over. But for now, it is what it is. Until I’m better, I’m going to be triggered. Nothing more natural in the world. Breathe. (Ish). And distract. And self care. And patience. >>> Acceptance. Now is not forever. This is now. But I WILL be getting better. C’mon body. Work with me, here.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I’m sorry I’ve been very sick lately too, bruised ribs, coughing blood, concussion, I’m sorry, sending my support your way I know it’s rough wanted you to know you aren’t alone. For grounding, counting things helps sometimes, count how many things you see that are blue in the room, how many things are pink etc, find 5 objects and note color and size, tapping can help too, tapping fingers, bilateral tapping :) hoping for a good recovery for you, take care :)

I'm sorry you're so miserable. The whole counting thing isn't working for me. I'll have a look at tapping - never tried it but who knows, maybe it will work?

Can you do a soothing or distracting task? Soothing, like hot tea, or soak feet...anything sensory. Distracting like crosswords, phone games, knit/crochet, read, anything of that sort?

I've got a heating pad on my back and shoulder to help alleviate some of the muscle pain. I'm watching some mindless TV. It's not working, but I haven't give up. Thank you.

Great idea :) crocheting helps a ton I’ve been doing a lot of that maybe that can help :)

I'm so tired and loopy that I don't think I could concentrate enough to do anything intricate with my hands. I did briefly entertain the idea of doing some wood-carving, but decided that accidentally slicing my hand open wouldn't help anything. But maybe coloring in an adult coloring book? Hmm...

Acceptance. It’s going to be here, for awhile.

I like this. Acceptance. Stop fighting it. Because fighting it is futile. You are right... it's going to be here for a while. And then it will be gone. If my doctor has selected the right antibiotics, I won't need to go to the hospital. I won't develop sepsis. No SIRS. I won't suffocate. I won't drown on my own body's fluids. I'm going to be uncomfortable. It's going to feel like there is broken glass filling the right side of my chest. I'm going to have no energy. I'm going to be breathless and breathing fast. But only for a little while.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope you are feeling better soon. :( :hug:

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. But the wheeze and crackle and low rumble and squeaking sounds coming from my lung are making sleep impossible. Pity a person can't just breathe with one lung at a time, or maybe turn of the ability to register sounds? Regardless, this is not bonding well for my anxiety.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have COPD and get bronchitis so I can sympathize with you. I know how bad it can get. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re safe and in the here and now and not back then. The breathing issues should get better within 48 hours. Not sure why they didn’t give you a breathing treatment or send you home with a nebulizer (script) machine if you were having such breathing issues?!?!?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I have COPD and get bronchitis so I can sympathize with you. I know how bad it can get. Just keep remin...

I do have two inhalers. They open things up, but I am thinking you are onto something with the nebulizer.

I eventually fell asleep and slept HARD for almost 8 hours, which is an absurdly long sleep for me (I typically sleep in 90 minute spurts for a total of maybe 6 hours).

I feel a little better. I used the inhalers and sat in the steamy bathroom for about 20 minutes (turned the shower on full hot and left the fan off). Coughed up a LOT. My lungs still feel awful but the rest of my body feels a bit less sick. And the sleep beat back the anxiety a bit and I'm clearer headed.

Now to use those grounding skills BEFORE I get to that point again...