Questions about avoidance

[Freida]

not so much determined to how you fight with your partner, but in how you resolve the fight

Hubby and I finally learned this after some intensive counseling and it really is true. We will always fight, but now we fight much more productively

In the last 2 years after diagnosis and learning about this whole condition, I have quit returning calls and texts from those who, for whatever reason, I do not trust as a true person or I think they have some other agenda for wanting to spend time with me.

This is such a good thing for you to be doing! You really do find out where you fit in others lives once you have to drastically change yours

How long can shutdowns last?

Until its over. I know that answer sucks but it really is the only one. It takes however long it takes to shut up your brain and and gain control, then be ready to interact with others. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to deal with ptsd. Sometimes you just have to crawl into a hole and fight it. I think if you poke around on the supporter threads you will get a good idea of what you are in for....

 

[Cleo1521]

Hubby and I finally learned this after some intensive counseling and it really is true. We will always...

I guess it’s difficult for me to see him still be able to casually interact with others while knowing he’s shut out every person who genuinely cares for him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just wondering, when sufferers avoid, or ignore, or go into isolation, what is it you think about?

Those are seperate things, for me. I avoid things (like crowds of people, loud noises, etc) which doesn't have a timeframe but it also has nothing to do with another in my life. Ignoring, also different. You are speaking of isolation it seems and it would be more helpful to understand my answer if you read the stress cup anology:

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

So, what do I think about? Not loosing my shit and going postal on someone or end up on the suicidal edge and falling over. I do not think about those I am isolating from as I am too worried about my own issues and getting some control over them. To be blunt and honest.

Does it help to calm your anxieties? Or are you suffereing in silence?

Both actually. The stress cup also answers this but when that stress cup is overfilling we need to relieve some of that stress, thus we isolate. In my own experience anyway.

My sufferer blocks me or ignores me from communication. He normally comes back, but he's even more guarded and hesitant to be around me. I have been trying to create a safe place for him to come back into the relationship. But nothing is ever talked about or resolved. So we can never really move on. I feel we are stuck in this pattern

There is a vlogging couple I follow and the wife of that couple has PTSD. He gives her a large amount of 100% alone time everyday. He takes the kids, and the camera, and allows her to go into whatever room to just destress. That maybe something you can add into the relationship that may allow him to destress without the need to isolate but I think that when the stress cup is overflowing, the need to islolate will always be there. For my anyway.

And he is likely guarded because he has been fighting his own issues for that timeframe. PTSD is often times a battle. For me anyway.

How long can shutdowns last?

For me right now, months. But there is no answer to this! It can be a few mins to breath up to a few yrs or more. It depends on the person, the treatment, the set of symptoms, why they are isolating (which the reason for me changes but it can always go back to the stress cup, usually), the enviroment, the support system and any other members of that support system, etc.

And to answer a question often asked, I never advise why I isolated. The only expection to that is here on the site.

 

[Cleo1521]

Those are seperate things, for me. I avoid things (like crowds of people, loud noises, etc)...

There is no treatment yet. I don’t even think he realizes what it really going on with him. He sees a counselor in a few days. I feel as though I’ve been there through all of this and I get the brunt of everything. I’ve been ignored for weeks now and the only thing I asked was why he’s avoiding me. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to handle this. I don’t even realize what’s going on with him until after it happens and he disappears. Seeing him still interact with others makes it hard to not take personal. Thank you for being open and helpful.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Seeing him still interact with others makes it hard to not take personal.

It probably is personal. Being in a relationship is very hard for many PTSDer. Which is why I am not in one. Closeness is hard. Openness is hard. Being with someone that often is hard. And so he is fleeing what is the most stressful, and likely hurts the worst due to intamacy being too hard, until he can regroup and control many of the things going on with him. And to be honest, he is likely fleeing to save you from the worst parts. I had bllind rage explosions on those closest to me and who lived with me but I could interact with others perfectly fine.

There is no treatment yet. I don’t even think he realizes what it really going on with him. He sees a counselor in a few days. I feel as though I’ve been there through all of this and I get the brunt of everything

Well, if he decides to not persue treatment then you must ask yourself if this is what you want. Being in a PTSD relationship is hard and its not for everyone. Don't feel bad about that.

I’ve been ignored for weeks now and the only thing I asked was why he’s avoiding me

But thats what I was saying. Its not avoidance, its isolation away from you (or better said from the intamcy and closeness) and I will not tell someone why I isolated and what I went through during that isolation. To help him not be so guarded I would stop asking that personally and I would stop taking it personal. Its not you, its PTSD and isolation is a part of a PTSD relationship, forever. I would read from those that have been in a PTSD relationship for years. Their PTSD partner still isolates. Its likely not as much as management happens but the need to get away and destress when the stress cup is overfilling will always be there. Making room for that in your relationship and not taking it personal is a must.

 

[Cleo1521]

It probably is personal. Being in a relationship is very hard for many PTSDer. Which is why...

This all makes so much sense. This will be the first time he’s someone. This has only happened twice since his incident that caused this. Every time he’s gone mia like this it’s after we have a really good day or we get closer. We’ve always been close...I’ve known him my entire life. I’m trying to understand so I don’t lose someone very dear to me. I’m hoping he comes around eventually. I haven’t tried speaking to him since the day I asked why he was avoiding me.

 

[Gs172003]

Those are seperate things, for me. I avoid things (like crowds of people, loud noises, etc)...

What's the name of that vlog?

 

[Cleo1521]

It probably is personal. Being in a relationship is very hard for many PTSDer. Which is why...

And the people who are closest to him and the people he lives with are all walking on eggshells. The random people he interacts have no idea what he’s going through. I don’t even know if he knows how bad it is.

 

[scout86]

And the people who are closest to him and the people he lives with are all walking on eggshells. The random people he interacts have no idea what he’s going through.

I know this probably won't make much sense to you but, personally, I find it hard to be around people who are walking on egg shells. It means (to me) I have to kind of do the same thing, to keep from scaring or stressing them. I feel like I can't just be me, or be honest, because me being me has apparently upset them to the point that they think they have to walk on egg shells. It's easier to be around people who AREN'T doing that, which is one reason I sometimes back off from people who are more invested in things.

 

[Cleo1521]

I know this probably won't make much sense to you but, personally, I find it hard to be around people w...

I do understand that. He lashes out if the wrong thing is said. Or he holes up in his room. There’s pretty much zero communication about the way he’s feeling and that’s fine. I think a little communication could help everyone try and cope with this better. He lashes out and puts it on me or something that I’ve done. But I know I’ve done nothing, but I can’t argue that with him because whatever is going on in his head doesn’t allow him to see that.

 

[scout86]

He lashes out if the wrong thing is said.

I'm going to suggest you think about that and see if maybe there's a better way to think about it. What makes something "wrong"? I can see how people would do the walking on egg shells thing if they felt that there were right and wrong things to say or do. But I think it's probably more complicated than that. I suspect, for one thing, that the feelings that are causing him to lash out are there, no matter what anyone says or does. And, what he HEARS people saying may not be what people THINK they are saying. That really happens. Kind of a lot actually. My T says that "communication is what the hearer hears, not what the speaker intends". That sets kind of a high bar and sometimes the emotion of a situation is such that you can't dissect out what's going on in the moment. But, I don't think his lashing out is some kind of attempt to train the people around him in what to say or how to say it. It's an expression (maybe not a real useful one) of what he's feeling.

 

[Gs172003]

I do understand that. He lashes out if the wrong thing is said. Or he holes up in his room. There’s...

You sound like my husband. He doesn't think anything has happened but that's not how I see it.