Baffled But Willing To Try

[anni]

Hi,

I've been on the forum for much longer today than usual. I can't seem to get off, because I'm triggered all over the place but can't get any positive motion going. I'm actually so full of dread/anxiety/fear/shame that I'm even feeling hesitant to 'intrude' on anyone else's posts by adding something. I've done it but for some reason feel like an idiot.In this safe place, I realize that's a ridiculous way to feel!!I almost never cry but am on the verge of tears most of the time.

I've faced a ton of triggers in the last couple of days. I agree it's the best way to 'beat' that particular trigger. I'm using my tools and things which have been so helpful in the past but the feelings of self-loathing, dread and anxiety are seemingly out of control.

I have some huge ones in the air at the moment-an ex behaving threateningly, having to deal with the legal system, an incredibly passive-aggressive and hostile step-child and a formerly trusted family member dripping disdain and disapproval. I'm posting this because I am more than baffled as to why I cannot get a grip on anything at all today, and need it not to get worse! I'm very willingly to listen to feedback, no matter how blunt because I loathe feeling as if I have my head in my own *ss. It's been a couple of decades since my traumas, so maybe I'm actually too far away from the original traumas and have allowed myself to become too scattered, I don't know.

Thanks at least for being able to post this!

Take care,

Anni

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi Anni

Thanks for your post. Actually I was feeling the exact same way yesterday about responding to posts. Everything I said sounded so stupid! But we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Go easy on yourself today. It sounds like you have multiple triggers going on - no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. Try to take a moment and just take care of your needs/feelings so you can calm down a bit. I know, easier said than done.

Maybe just posting your thoughts here will help get it out so you can process it. Hope you're doing better now.

Take care
BC

 

[helena]

Oh, sweetheart

I am so glad that you answered my post!!! I love your input on things and always read them

Just look at this as a confidence blip - it is that time of year when stresses come to the fore and everyone gets jumpy and sad, tearful or just plain angry.

Whenever you want, just pm me okay? I love chatting (as you might have gathered) and will always come back to you

Hugs

Helena

 

[JohnnyM53]

Anni

Please don't hesistate to post on any thread you feel you can contribute.

I've read your posts and you make perfect sane sense.

As for the overwhelming feelings, experts have been telling us for years that we suffer because we "resist what is".

So try a non-resistance technique. Tell youself you do not like what you are feeling right now, it's not your choice, but it's ok to feel bad.

All good things come to an end, but so do all bad things. You have been through much worse - and survived! You can get through this too.

Now close your eyes and locate exactly where in your body you are feeling different sensations. Try and describe them, maybe give them a face, or shape.

Be the Witness (self-awareness) to what you are experiencing instead of the Judge this time. See, feel, acknowledge, and let reality be what is it, and soon this too shall pass.

It's kind of like when we laugh at a joke. We laugh and then we let go. Trying to hang on to the laughter is impossible and frustrating. it should be the same with stress. Don't hang on. Let it be.

*BIG HUGS*

Your Forum friend,

Johnny

 

[anni]

That's really nice. All of it!!

I logged back on, which is something I just almost never do because I'm doing that PTSD thing where the can opener is now in the fridge, I just washed the same dam load of laundry twice and a sappy TV commercial made me cry.

That technique of just acknowledging the feelings and knowing there's another day somewhere without this dreck is fabulous. Somewhere in my head I knew that and lost it. It's at least some sort of FORWARD feeling action- or any action! Sincerely- thanks MUCH! The instinct to get OUT of this moment is overwhelming, but just acknowledging the stupid thing, getting centered and looking at the moment is terribly apt.

Funny others might get that icky dread about posting. Again something from the forum that's exactly the same. It's genuinely the kind of support one looks for but because we're PTSD, well, we don't quite deserve it or anything kind.

Helena, I've been liking your posts also. You seem so even and articulate, and also kind! I'd love to chat when I've figured out how to use some of this communicating stuff here. I rarely find the emoticon button but am going to stop putting it off and learn to navigate beyond 'New Posts'.

As soon as I'm organized in my head I'm also going to reply to Johnny's story with mine. Right now I have to go try to again make headway with the day, but might just be happy with going to bed with a soppy book.

Thanks much, and stay around please? :)

Take care, and much hugs!

Anni

 

[Jestadud]

anni, it is important to take breaks from this site, it is so huge that it's impossible to keep up to date on all new postings but I'm sure that we have all tried to at some point.
I know that people here don't carry grudges and allow us to make fools of ourselves at times. Yet I still worry that I can't articulate what I mean to say well enough and fear that I have written something daft.
I hate that when we post that thread goes to the top and has our name beside it, then our name stays beside it till someone else posts.
If no one does I always fear I've written something wrong or stupid and killed the thread.
You've done 134 posts since October! My head would explode at that pace!!! (joke)

JohnnyM53, thats a really useful comment you make about being the witness, it was something that played a big part in my healing when my therapist asked me what I thought other people who saw the event might have thought.

 

[Diana]

Doing Better than You Think

anni, I read a whole lot of something in your posts I'm hoping you'll see if you go back and reread it. I see that you know where to go when you need comfort, company and help. I see you know enough about what you don't like that you have identified the people that aren't helping matters, and you can say why. I see you know what you want to do next even if this is draped in frustration and hestiation. And on that note, you're in touch enough with your emotions to express yourself.

That's five gold stars. Count them. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Yes you know what's wrong, and you also know quite a bit of what's right - about you. You didn't write the post as compliments to yourself, but you could flip it 'round that way and it would be the truth.

It does sound like you're having a rough time, and it sounds like you're addressing it in a healthy way that works for you right now.

 

[anni]

Thanks much for the replies!

I genuinely get a kick out of hearing that someone else has that silly dread for having killed a thread! I've posted several times where mine is merely the last post, I know, but when it happens I'm completely convinced for a minute that there's been some recoil away fro ME. :) It's a genuinely solid thought about not hanging out in the forum for too long or one does start to get worried with things like that.

I am not always as clear as I should be setting up paragraphs and the editor has had to tell me to please clean it up. Being PTSD that translates for a minute into how much I s*ck and what am I doing here with people who actually know what they're doing? :)

Thanks also for that reply about the compliment and the gold stars. :) It was really well written and so astute without being in the least smug, if you know what I mean. Of course, being PTSD , taking a compliment without feeling like a huge fraud perpetrated on humanity is tough!Thanks genuinely and a lot for the compliment, and have to say that you're one of a number people I've encountered here who should be a writer. Perhaps you are? There are many, many posts written fluidly, expressively and well phrased. There are some who I feel must write for a living, or possibly should!

At any rate, thanks much again. At least in conversing with other PTSD sufferers I know that THEY know how very much these good, kind words are appreciated. If you know what I mean... :).

Take care,

Anni

 

[Manic11]

I'm actually so full of dread/anxiety/fear/shame that I'm even feeling hesitant to 'intrude' on anyone else's posts by adding something. I've done it but for some reason feel like an idiot.

I've been there. I'm sure we've all been there at one point. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble but try to remember, we're all looking for support from one another. We don't join this forum, look for someone who we get support from the most and stick with them. That's more like a dating site!
You are an important member of this forum just like everyone else is. Please try to remember that next time you would like to reply to someone's post. I like to read your replies. :smile:

Manic

 

[anni]

Thank you Manic,

I will! There's never been anything but lovely people replying and posting that I've seen. I think it must be part of why this forum is so successful that we can log on everyday and have NONE of our worst fears realized! :) It's nothing but reassuring 100% of the time and just beats the stuffing out of the fear/shame/dread reflex. I'm sure it will take some time before that instant reaction is erased 100% also but it's very, very healing to be in the midst of SAFE.

Thank you, and take care,

Anni

 

[Onefineday]

I can userstand what you are saying Anni, I always regret things when I say them, even on here. I think I talk about myself too much, and come across as though I don't actually care about the problems of other people. I feel as though I sound dramatic with every story I tell. I feel like that all the time, I might share something with a friend and they understand, and it feels good to get something of my chest to a friend, but then I'll wake up the next morning and think 'God I shouldn't have said that, I should have just kept it all to myself'. I have no idea how I come across to other people, only how I come across to myself, so I figure everyone hates me.

 

[Nicky31]

:Hug_emoticon: How are you finding things now?

It must be like a minefield on days like that. I have not yet had a day like that yet. If I'm having a bad day I might just read posts but not reply or not is it at all. I know that there will always be support here though and that's comforting.

Nic