TwilightDream
Bronze Member
Provocation, ah yes. Depending on how symptomatic she is with her PTSD, and how symptomatic I am with depression, there are different levels.
Level 1: In the earlier times, (pre-PTSD diagnosis, both of us knew we had depression) things could go from 0-100 in about 30 seconds. She would blurt out something horrifically disrespectful, I would ask her if she has Tourettes, and the rest would be history. Normally, within a matter of minutes or hours, she would break up with me, tell me "this time it's for real", etc. She would go silent for 2-3 days. We would reconvene with either me sending a text asking if she's ok, and if we're still together? Or she would send me a random funny text, and we would pick up where we left off. Why do I think she would do it? I'm still not sure. All I could figure was that something unbeknownst to me would trigger her, or that she would feel the need to isolate for a couple days, or maybe even the blow-up would be what made her need to isolate. How did it make me feel? Each episode made me feel more and more uncertain. On shaky ground. Like it was always held over my head that she could leave me at the drop of a dime. And although it wasn't the truth, she just didn't want to show vulnerability... she would say it wouldn't matter to her if we weren't together. Each time it would happen, I would start to slip into a depression. My well being started to become dependent upon her mood shifts (my own issues, I know). How could she correct it? For the first year or so of our relationship, I felt like she did what she could to correct it. After starting over where we left off, eventually I would want to talk about what happened. She would tell me that she doesn't want to be this way, and that she's trying the best she could. She would tell me that she didn't mean it, she was just really angry. The episodes happened about twice a month. But she had sought therapy and was trying different medications for depression. This was good enough for me, in fact, I had tremendous respect for her for being willing to seek help. The episodes barely mattered to me, because our good far outweighed the bad.
Level 2 provocations: PTSD diagnosed, and symptoms increasing in severity. She is now isolated from me and everyone else as far as I know. I don't even know where she lives. She reaches out to ask me for a ride one day. No problem. Then she asks me to do something illogical. I say no to the illogical, but sure, I'll give you a ride. Then she says (all via text) "Have you ever been a relationship with someone so ugly that you were embarrassed to be seen in public with them"? I don't respond. I already see where she wants to go. I'm not interested in going with her. So it intensifies. Yap yap yap, blah blah blah, about none other than me, the ugliest woman on the planet. Now I'm reacting. I'm text yelling at her. She's prepared to do this all night, if I will oblige. How does this make me feel? Wow. She's gone to a new level. Does she really feel this way about me? I am so hurt. How could she say those things. Am I just garbage to her? Am I really not good enough for her? Guilt. Over the things I've fired back at her. Not so much attacking her on the same level that she did me, but shaming her for what she's said to me. I know that she's struggling. Maybe I shouldn't have come so hard back at her. So I tell her that I don't think she's a terrible person, although earlier in the text fight I said she was. I tell her that she's an amazing individual, that's going through a rough time right now. I tell her that it's not ok, the things she's said to me. But that the things I've said in rebuttal were said out of anger and hurt, and I'm sorry. Why do I think she does that? I'm not sure. But with level two, there are only very rare moments of remorse. Where she says she feels horrible about the way she talks to me and treats me. That this mental illness is kicking her ass right now, and nothing is helping. What could she have done to correct it? The truth is, nothing. She is exactly where she's at in her own process. And this is what has to be. Although things suck, if she was in a place of doing more than the rare acknowledgement, she would have.
Level 3: Full blown PTSD symptoms. She wants to be left alone. She does not reach out anymore. She says we should move forward completely independently. I am left feeling used, as she had me provide enormous support in a very gut-wrenching family situation. I am very emotionally involved with that situation. I'm also confused. She said she wanted me to stick with her, and she often gets stressed and immediately goes to the breakup. But this time it feels different. We barely speak. Haven't seen eachother in a few months. But we are still involved "together" with the situation with her family, yet she wants nothing to do with me. The provocation: I reach out every couple of weeks, just to check on her. Little did I know that she had been stewing over the past month over something I did. In my mind, what I did maybe overstepped bounds, but not to a burned bridges level in any way shape or form. I read somewhere on this forum, that with PTSD, grenades are often used as flyswatters. What followed was a text barrage of the lowest level insults and accusations that I've ever heard from her. Followed by her texting me from a fake number pretending to be her "new woman" that replaced me. I checked in to it. I know it was fake. But wow. How does it make me feel? Horrible. I didn't respond back in the ways that I used to. I've been working on my own skills. But it's been 3 weeks. And the things she said, still replays in my mind. The level she went to. The humiliation I feel. Worthless to her. Disposable. Like a human piece of dookie. Why do I think she provokes to this level? Simple. She wants to be left alone. She's in a state of mind that is so heightened with grief and negativity that dealing with my piddles isn't even on her radar right now. If I'm still reaching out, and telling her that she matters to me, that she's special, incredible even, that is just adding extra noise to the bombardment already playing in her mind. She doesn't "want" to be left alone. She "needs" to be. How can she correct it? I have no idea.
@Supervixn I don't know if anything I've said was of any use for you. But I do want to say that I appreciate you for putting out this thread. It has actually made me feel validated to have a sufferer ask the questions that you have. To reach out, when some of our own sufferers are in isolation, it makes a difference, more than you might know :hug:
Level 1: In the earlier times, (pre-PTSD diagnosis, both of us knew we had depression) things could go from 0-100 in about 30 seconds. She would blurt out something horrifically disrespectful, I would ask her if she has Tourettes, and the rest would be history. Normally, within a matter of minutes or hours, she would break up with me, tell me "this time it's for real", etc. She would go silent for 2-3 days. We would reconvene with either me sending a text asking if she's ok, and if we're still together? Or she would send me a random funny text, and we would pick up where we left off. Why do I think she would do it? I'm still not sure. All I could figure was that something unbeknownst to me would trigger her, or that she would feel the need to isolate for a couple days, or maybe even the blow-up would be what made her need to isolate. How did it make me feel? Each episode made me feel more and more uncertain. On shaky ground. Like it was always held over my head that she could leave me at the drop of a dime. And although it wasn't the truth, she just didn't want to show vulnerability... she would say it wouldn't matter to her if we weren't together. Each time it would happen, I would start to slip into a depression. My well being started to become dependent upon her mood shifts (my own issues, I know). How could she correct it? For the first year or so of our relationship, I felt like she did what she could to correct it. After starting over where we left off, eventually I would want to talk about what happened. She would tell me that she doesn't want to be this way, and that she's trying the best she could. She would tell me that she didn't mean it, she was just really angry. The episodes happened about twice a month. But she had sought therapy and was trying different medications for depression. This was good enough for me, in fact, I had tremendous respect for her for being willing to seek help. The episodes barely mattered to me, because our good far outweighed the bad.
Level 2 provocations: PTSD diagnosed, and symptoms increasing in severity. She is now isolated from me and everyone else as far as I know. I don't even know where she lives. She reaches out to ask me for a ride one day. No problem. Then she asks me to do something illogical. I say no to the illogical, but sure, I'll give you a ride. Then she says (all via text) "Have you ever been a relationship with someone so ugly that you were embarrassed to be seen in public with them"? I don't respond. I already see where she wants to go. I'm not interested in going with her. So it intensifies. Yap yap yap, blah blah blah, about none other than me, the ugliest woman on the planet. Now I'm reacting. I'm text yelling at her. She's prepared to do this all night, if I will oblige. How does this make me feel? Wow. She's gone to a new level. Does she really feel this way about me? I am so hurt. How could she say those things. Am I just garbage to her? Am I really not good enough for her? Guilt. Over the things I've fired back at her. Not so much attacking her on the same level that she did me, but shaming her for what she's said to me. I know that she's struggling. Maybe I shouldn't have come so hard back at her. So I tell her that I don't think she's a terrible person, although earlier in the text fight I said she was. I tell her that she's an amazing individual, that's going through a rough time right now. I tell her that it's not ok, the things she's said to me. But that the things I've said in rebuttal were said out of anger and hurt, and I'm sorry. Why do I think she does that? I'm not sure. But with level two, there are only very rare moments of remorse. Where she says she feels horrible about the way she talks to me and treats me. That this mental illness is kicking her ass right now, and nothing is helping. What could she have done to correct it? The truth is, nothing. She is exactly where she's at in her own process. And this is what has to be. Although things suck, if she was in a place of doing more than the rare acknowledgement, she would have.
Level 3: Full blown PTSD symptoms. She wants to be left alone. She does not reach out anymore. She says we should move forward completely independently. I am left feeling used, as she had me provide enormous support in a very gut-wrenching family situation. I am very emotionally involved with that situation. I'm also confused. She said she wanted me to stick with her, and she often gets stressed and immediately goes to the breakup. But this time it feels different. We barely speak. Haven't seen eachother in a few months. But we are still involved "together" with the situation with her family, yet she wants nothing to do with me. The provocation: I reach out every couple of weeks, just to check on her. Little did I know that she had been stewing over the past month over something I did. In my mind, what I did maybe overstepped bounds, but not to a burned bridges level in any way shape or form. I read somewhere on this forum, that with PTSD, grenades are often used as flyswatters. What followed was a text barrage of the lowest level insults and accusations that I've ever heard from her. Followed by her texting me from a fake number pretending to be her "new woman" that replaced me. I checked in to it. I know it was fake. But wow. How does it make me feel? Horrible. I didn't respond back in the ways that I used to. I've been working on my own skills. But it's been 3 weeks. And the things she said, still replays in my mind. The level she went to. The humiliation I feel. Worthless to her. Disposable. Like a human piece of dookie. Why do I think she provokes to this level? Simple. She wants to be left alone. She's in a state of mind that is so heightened with grief and negativity that dealing with my piddles isn't even on her radar right now. If I'm still reaching out, and telling her that she matters to me, that she's special, incredible even, that is just adding extra noise to the bombardment already playing in her mind. She doesn't "want" to be left alone. She "needs" to be. How can she correct it? I have no idea.
@Supervixn I don't know if anything I've said was of any use for you. But I do want to say that I appreciate you for putting out this thread. It has actually made me feel validated to have a sufferer ask the questions that you have. To reach out, when some of our own sufferers are in isolation, it makes a difference, more than you might know :hug:
