Suffer in silence

[Starfish]

Was watching a movie the other day and the actor said of his passed away wife that she “never complained a day or moment (during her years of pain and sickness), everyday she stated what a beautiful day it was”.

My thoughts is that person was trying to “suffer in silence” so she was not a downer. I don’t think that is healthy for me and I think it is an expectation “the healthy” have for those who suffer. It is unspoken often, but the idealized thought is still out there. “Suffer in Silence and be brave, admirable, not-a-downer”. So, not only are the suffering suffering; now they have this ban on expressing themselves.

As for me, I have to complain here and there to my few "trusted others". I feel my daughter-in-law is operating under this idea and does not quite know what to do with my disclosures. I think she grew up being told to "not complain", "keep a stiff upper lip". I let her know when my symptoms are overwhelming (shaking and not able to think real well). I make one statement basically for my recovery, which involves keeping my "trusteds" in the loop. I rarely disclose and do not call up specifically to bend an ear.
I disclose when we happen to be speaking and if I happen to be crippled that day.

I don't want to burden my kids with what I am going thru but I am disclosing here and there.

I still feel guilty because of this "suffer in silence" expectation that has become a societal expectation.
Anyone relate?????

 

[ladee]

Yes ! I do have this forum to come to , to really be honest with myself about what is going on.. but in everyday life... uh , no... it's suffering in silence... when I am in a social situation and my anxiety is thru the roof, and I want to stand up and scream for every one to just be QUITE, and stop clanging your fork on your plate, I am starting to boil !!!!
But then I come here and let it go with lots of words of frustration that my sensitivity to noise is glaring today... here, I don't have to suffer in silence.
Great thread !

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

After living through my youth where I was strictly taught to keep quiet about any ailments and to just "suck it up buttercup" rather than ever receiving anything that resembles genuine nurturing care....then entering the work world where you MUST be able to perform certain ways each day, regardless, or you're out of there...then trying to actually find some help with so-called professional care-givers/specialists who made things much worse rather than better...then being told repeatedly through life that the key to making it is to "fake it 'til you (supposedly) make it"....on top of other societal expectations/labels/assumptions/projections....it can very easily make you want to just sit quietly, focus on the beauty that surrounds, since it's likely the only highlight of the day, and let whatever happens happen.

But I'm not wired like that, and trying to live up to (or down to, based on your view of the overall scene) that shit creates even more disturbances within that shows up as yet another damn symptom of some sort, typically mislabeled and mistreated when you seek help for it via typical insurance-approved methods, based on my direct experiences, which can work quickly to complicate things even more thanks to the side effects and such...on top of the ongoing internal chaos others helped create that I'm still trying to figure my way through.

Yeah...I get it....and it bugs me, too. Keeping it real and being open has it's benefits, but can backfire just as easily. Damned if you do, damned if you don't it seems. Whatever makes it easier to more comfortably live in my own skin is what matters most to me nowadays. There's very few spaces I can comfortably exist. Even when I achieve what feels like balance and maintain consistency, trying to share real time space with folks who remain heavily immersed in all of my previous choices that contributed greatly to my demise presents a whole new challenge. It never ends, I've found, no matter how good I actually manage to feel. It makes for some interesting moments as I try to navigate the moments of my days with my hard-learned healing ways.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I was introduced to a child when he was 5 years old. He had cystic fibrosis. Through the 10 yrs I knew this kid I never ever ever heard this child complain once. Even when the treatments he went through everyday stole time from his life. Everything had to be planned out. The shitting and puking from different meds. The times he was hospitalized with upper respiratory infections and could hardly breath. The oxygen tanks and hoses all over the house. Never ever did I hear Drew complain one time.

He had a smile on his face, and always such a wonderful child. Did he suffer in silence??? Honestly, I don’t know. When he was turned down for a lung transplant, maybe, but he never showed me any signs of being depressed, he just had such acceptance for what laid ahead of him.

When he was passing, I sat with him for a short time and did my best not to cry or show any signs of distress. We all wanted his passing to be calm and without any sorrow. It was. He would be in his early 20’s now. I still miss him and wish that I had the strength and fortitude that he showed at such a young age.... RIP Drew.......

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk, silence seems the only choice, desire, option-irl. Though definitely truth helps, as does support. Not for sympathy or even empathy, more just honesty and fear-reducing, for me. But then, like today, I woke up thinking "looking for things to be grateful for is like 'looking' for water droplets while (I) float in the ocean".

Idk . I come from a family virtually everyone did not complain. Even one working with Millitary, they could never understand how she never 'wanted'/ needed/ thought of, de-briefing, in critical events they shared. We all minimize. I know I tried hard and was happy to 'be brave' (don't say anything) since a small child. Almost without exception have never cried in the presence of a witness, definitely not 'after the fact'.

I do wish with a very very very rare few I could just use a number scale for level of: depressed; terrified; triggered, and in respect to the last in relation to 'what'- a smell, sight, sound; or distress at words, concepts- more so intrusive memories or connotations. But not for myself/ sake, more to say it is not your/ their fault, to anyone else. I'm sorry.

But instead, it becomes avoidance. And pretty soon it seems best just to go.

Not sure if that makes sense- ugh. :(

 

[Starfish]

it makes sense to me, junebug, i have your strategy with my oldest son and his wife and my daughter, housemate and my 2 trusted friends.
i let them know it is a bad day; usually it is overwhelm and shaking symptoms. I have trained them not to question, but it is therapeudic for me and it helps me to know they know it is a hard day for me and they don't have to be guessing what is going on with me.
I think it works for me and them. I got tired of the avoidance and it became the "next step" for me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

People that I know, know that I have PTSD, but they don’t know the symptoms or the times that I’m a mess with them. I may joke with them about anxiety driving to places I have to drive, but they don’t know just how bad it really is for me to do this.

So I really don’t share, HOW I feel, but rather what I have..... Physical pain is different, I bitch about that all the time. f*cking knees won’t work, back hurts, ect...... I’m a whimp...

 

[Starfish]

yeah, come to think of it, i keep my complaints to my trusteds, physical "my shoulder is really aching today" "I am really shaking badly today", or "lost of pain today" sometimes i will say to trusteds when i am in situations when my mind is not thinking correctly "I used to be able to do that math problem" or forget the name of something easy, "weird my mind won't let me remember the simplest of things sometimes".
Often I say it just because I am so amazed at the lack of mind functioning I am experiencing in the past year so I am processing to trusted out loud my amazement!

 

[Tinyflame]

I only say if at all when I'm at my limit, or have to say for a different reason and I must or sort of have not much choice. But I just try to ignore it and increase my limit.

 

[Sideways]

If any particular day is truly a spectacularly crappy day? I don’t have the slightest issue with acknowledging that to myself. Someone who wants me to lie to myself about it and say “Wow, isn’t the world great!”, irritates me no end. There’s a legitimate place for calling a spade a spade, and not every day is friggin beautiful. There was nothing particularly wonderful about the day I first became homeless. It sucked, and saying so is nothing more than stating the obvious.

What I find truly remarkable are the one or two people I’ve met in my life who genuinely seem to go round in this constant mindset: Isn’t life wonderful! And it’s not necessarily a reflection on how awesome or crap their life is on that particular day, it’s just they seem to have found some innate way to fixate on how wonderful the world is. They can have a crappy day, and feel a bit crap, but their mindset is still overwhelmingly resolved that as crap as it may be, it’s still kind of wonderful.

But then, I think a psychiatrist would refer to that as “euthymia”, and see it as a psychological abnormality. Which, possibly for some dark and dismal reason, gives me some degree of comfort!

Certainly sticking with gratitude journalling has helped me shift my perspective. But not so much so that I can’t acknowledge crap when life hurls it at me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think authenticity is what is most important to me. But I prefer making others laugh and to be open for them to feel comfortable to talk. I find the concept of myself looking hangdog or like a martyr revolting. And self-absorbed and boring. Everyone suffers, what do I care if others know? Which may sound harsh, but it is a thought only directed to myself. It is for me one part courage, one part independence, one part being loathe to pity.

 

[Starfish]

yes, i relate, said well junebug! most of the time i feel that way, in general. I think this has come up for me because my body is having symptoms that are visible to others that are not my normal expression and I have found it necessary to include my trusteds, important for healing trust issues, I am seeing.