If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[Deleted member 8714]

@Finchlet2 :hug::hug: if you accept them.

Came to the conclusion that maybe to explore what our authentic self is maybe we need the help of a Developmental Psychologist.

What I came to discover is that in therapy I literally grew up psychologically, mentally, and emotionally. The longer I was in therapy, the more I grew up. Some Ts helped me more than others.

My abuse started between 2 and 3 with sexualized touching by my father and his boyfriend. And then at age 3 I witnessed two brutal murders by my father. At the time I didn't know he was my father. From that point on I developed DID and PTSD. The real me stayed hidden from my father so he couldn't destroy me.

Throughout my childhood I discovered what I liked to do and therefore who I am by being exposed to many different things in school and later in college; taking up an instrument, learning art, taking drawing and painting classes, etc. I spent one year in a community college just taking whatever classes I wanted to take without a major in mind. One of those classes was based on the book, What Color Is Your Parachute? Most of the people who took the class were introverts and had undecided majors. We all had one thing in common: We loved doing jigsaw puzzles. And most of us talked to ourselves while doing those jigsaw puzzles. Quite interesting.

 

[KeepItSimple]

Four Sentence Paragraph

Excluding PTSD behavior(s), trial and error is a challenging process from which I learn. Excelling in some areas of life I gain insight and acquire certain preferences. Lacking interest in other outlets of participation or expression, I avoid wasting valuable time and effort in engaging or participating in those activities. Avoidance, dissociation etc. are not characteristics of who I am.

 

[ms spock]

Really sorry to read what you lived through @Finchlet2. It is a long and winding road, and it is worth it, I have been chipping away at it. Slowly, slowly I have been getting there. I am now having a life of sorts, so that is good. And I can counter a fair bit of the shame and cognitive distortions.

 

[Finchlet2]

When I'm trying to write my essays,( I will complete this course it means so much) first there a change in the air distribution of the room so tangible then the toxic mixture of their sweat and my blood like someone's spraid it around like an air dirtier sometimes I open the window of our fourth floor flattic (currently branded with a section 21) and I sit on the bottom of the window frame but I'm not ready to jump. I have defo gone through the denial guilt fear numbness and anger phases but now I'm in a tiring acutely hyper emotional state and isolating from pretty much everyone other than you legends. I thought music would help with studying but it makes it worse. Defo balancing on a titerope right now and the self harm is getting worse. I don't want to worry anyone so please don't be concerned I just can't say this to anyone else

 

[ms spock]

ignoring my physiological confusion is manifesting itself I physiological symptoms.

My understanding is that this is very common.

I do this as well.

 

[biaaw677]

@Finchlet2 :hug::hug: if you accept them.

What I came to discover is that in ther...

Well I can identify with liking doing jigsaw puzzles, but not generally with talking to myself.

The problem comes when much of the trauma suffered from year dot has been inflicted by institutional staff in the health/social care/teaching professions. It means that you do not develop yourself or learn to know your authentic self in school because throughout childhood and even in the health situations you autonomically dissociate or act in ways that will ensure your safety. You develop academically etc. maybe, but you still do not connect to your authentic emotions, feelings etc. All you see is danger everywhere

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have a lot of the same issues, and I have to keep my world small. I don't recommend this for everyone, but it is how I am able to balance my fear, shame, self-hatred etc. I was high-functioning for awhile because of my ability to compartmentalize, but after I could no longer be a nurse, I had to go through all that reinventing shit again. So I made my world small. I have 1 real life friend, several acquaintances, and I don't do much outside the house. I have been under incredible stress because I have been going to my mother's once a month for the past 2 months, and will continue to do that. I will eventually move there, probably putting a manufactured home on her property. I really, really, don't want to move, the idea fills me with anxiety, but I am hoping to desensitize myself by going up there monthly. Besides the fact she needs help. It is causing huge anxiety, and now my T is leaving. We were working on discovering who I am, so now I don't know.

@Disco Dancing Queen, I'm amazed at how much you are able to get out and do things! I have always admired you for that, since I am too afraid to submit myself to that. I think I have become complacent.

 

[ms spock]

So I am coming out the other side of this, and it is worth doing the work. It is shiteful, difficult, and at times f*cking horrendously challenging, but hell it is so worth it. You just have to hold on, and break it down so that you can do it.

 

[ms spock]

@Disco Dancing Queen, I'm amazed at how much you are able to get out and do things! I have always admired you for that, since I am too afraid to submit myself to that. I think I have become complacent.

You do a lot of great stuff around your house, with your chickens, and in your garden. You refurbish furniture, and do so many things that mean your life is meaningful and with purpose. You create beauty around yourself. These are things to have gratitude about - you do really well with all of that. I am hoping to catch up with you in that arena. You are doing well in many arenas.

Maybe we could do a bit of a skills swap?

 

[ms spock]

Defo balancing on a titerope right now and the self harm is getting worse. I don't want to worry anyone so please don't be concerned I just can't say this to anyone else

I am glad you felt able to express this here. Do you know what set off your self harming increasing? Do you have a Trauma therapist?

 

[Finchlet2]

I was diagnosed officially three years ago but they've cut the funding for most the local services. @DharmaGirl, do you mind if I ask you about how your nursing and ptsd effected one another as am in similar ish boat in the sense of having a vocation in health services and it frustrates the hell out of me cos I know I can do better to help without the background screams I'm trying to banish ptsd from my work life which right now pretty much only involves isolating absorbing and vomiting textbooks. If it's to personal that's cool

 

[DharmaGirl]

how your nursing and ptsd effected one another

I didn't know I had PTSD until after my back became too bad for me to be a nurse. Up until then, I used food to stuff my emotions, and I cried with people when sad things happened. This turned out to be very therapeutic for lots of people. Before I became less high-functioning, I only had one blowout at work, and that was a domestic violence victim who was going to have surgery to remove her spleen because of injuries. The offender, pretending to be the offender's brother, kept asking if she was going to be alright, and I finally shouted, "NO! She is not going to be all right, she needs surgery because of what you've done, that will affect her the rest of her life!!" The charge nurse took me away from that patient but the patient asked for me back. It affected me by my feelings of never feeling good enough to work in Emergency, or the Cardiac unit, even though I loved it, and because I worked 12 hour shifts, 3 days on, 4 days off, I was able to recharge between. I really think the stress was too much because I was exercising 1 1/2 hours on my days off, and an hour on work days, lost weight, put on muscle, but I ended up with the back of a 70 year old at age 51. I needed surgery and it just didn't help much. I took a job as a nurse case manager, but I started therapy, got flooded with traumatic memories, and had to go on disability. I have never been able to go back to nursing because of the combination of my back and PTSD.

I'm getting more high functioning now. I upcycle furniture, I raise chickens and sell eggs, I grow herbs and lots of veggies, so that does take functioning. I, personally, have given up hoping to work as a nurse again, since I have chronic pain too. Is there a calmer place to work or are you still in school?