Sexual Assault Do you ever feel lust for your molester or rapist later on?

[anonymous]

Right. You got that correct. Agreed.

Anyway, I understand all that you have said here. It seems so familiar. So real. We are here to heal from these experiences and feelings. I hope that writing about it has helped you at least a little. Reading you has helped me. So thanks.

 

[Bcbornleo]

Dealing with a similar situation where desires link me to my past childhood experiences and conflicting thoughts as to if that’s why I’m bi

 

[anonymous]

I'm not bi, but it did cross my life in a way when I was a minor and had only just lost my virginity in that same month. I was seduced by a homosexual, did not know what to do, felt somewhat repulsed, but curious at the same time. I refused the advances, to which the person became angry. It was an awkward moment at best. I questioned my sexuality for quite some time after that, but stayed heterosexual then and have stayed that way throughout my life.

 

[raven68]

Thanks. @raven688 Trying to see it that way. Agreed. (OP here). Of course those who are perps would not...

Yes, because they are willfully ignorant.

All you can do is try to become stronger as a result of what happened and it sounds like you are so keep going.

I guess I got over what happened to me after so many years, but I was a child at the time, I didn't even know what ptsd was, but looking back I know now I was suffering from it for years afterwards. I never told a soul about what happened but I became distant from my friends at school and went from being a confident popular kid with lots of friends to that weird loner kid that everyone picks on and bullies. Too frightened of everything to fight back or stand up for myself and all of it reinforcing my ptsd.

By the time I was in high school I was regularly skipping days at school to avoid the personal hell that being in school meant I had to endure. I had it all figured out, how to cheat the registration system so they would think I was there, how to get off the school premises without being seen.

I would get out and feel free, like I just escaped from prison and work my way through town using back alleys until I reached the river where no one goes. That's where I spent my days.

I was downright hateful to anyone who was interested in me romantically, even those I was attracted to, I guess I saw their advances as an attempt to hurt me in some way. Just another way to bully me. Remember that movie, Carrie? Kinda like that.

So while the other kids were having their first relationships I stayed alone.

Of course my schoolwork suffered as much as I did. I became a severe under achiever, failed every subject. abysmally.

To put that into perspective, a few years ago I decided I wanted to do computer programming. I knew nothing about it but I started studying the C programming language. Within 3 months I was creating my own programs, within a 9 months I was fixing other people's code for them on the internet forum I had joined. Within that same year I had learned complex math too and was writing software for statistical analysis of live streaming data using polynomial regression etc.

Yet I failed math, along with everything else, abysmally at school and spent my entire adult life working crappy low paid jobs.

So yeah my life sucked. Oh well. It will be over soon. I am just thankful I never had children, I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone.

 

[anonymous]

I can relate to a lot of what you have said here. I too skipped a lot of school, am an underachiever who is coming out of that now to some small degree and achieving a bit of some good in the world these days. I used to be a total underachiever. At least now I am trying to some degree.

Being mistreated at school was something I endured also. Yes, for sure, we did not know anything about PTSD back then. I did not know how to fight back. I have as yet not figured out how to turn someone's nasty remark back at them in some twisted manner, like I see others doing.

Maybe I don't want to be able to do something like that. It is meaner than I would want to really be, so I often just ignore what is said and let it roll off of me these days. It is not worth it to get into some spat with some a**hole, you know?

 

[Deleted member 43031]

I had an incident that was horrible, lets just say; decades ago. I tried to type the details here, but got triggered, so here is the changed version. I got away, talked myself out of it... was let out of the restraints. A cop found me at a light late at night unable to figure out which way to turn. I was in my car. Fast fwd. just a bit - and same thing; I felt overwhelming arousal, so intense - I had to self-pleasure to release. My T at the time and I discussed it. I knew these people, and I agree w/ whomever said the body still has primal response mechanisms - and mine did - I allowed it and released it... am I over it? Can't say. It hasn't crossed my mind in forever. I had no desire to return to those humans, and left the case open (legally) for an eternity - never closed it.

 

[anonymous]

Our bodies can choose the strangest times to start to "feel" like that, I know. I hate having no control over it, because there are times when one just cannot pleasure oneself to relieve it, not until later anyway. I am glad that you had not thought of it for years. Sorry you got triggered. That happens on these forums a lot. I hope you feel better now. @FranklyMyDear...

 

[Deleted member 43031]

Our bodies can choose the strangest times to start to "feel" like that, I know. I hate having no cont...

I'm completely fine... decades of therapy and so forth. Lots of personal work. I self pleasured within days of that incident, but developed agoraphobia immediately after - tried to go to school (com. college) that Monday having NO concept of the impact it has on myself and my life. And went into the very first panic attack of my life. The first one you are SURE your going to die. Well I didn't... but eventually I had to drop I think completely out of that semester. I was teaching pre-school at the time and every day was filled with level 10 panic, as I struggled to get through work. In a way work was my saving grace. It took me a few years to come out of the agoraphobia, and I am now the poster child for anxiety - hell, I've had so many panic attacks they don't even upset me anymore lolol ;):cool:.....yup I even have a sense of humor turning and looking back at how far I have come. A long way baby and I ROCK!! :p:clown::wacky::)

 

[419can.dance]

I still have dreams about him.
I have dreams of memories.
I have dreams of the now.
The dreams always hold pleasure.
I want it so bad.
:sick::cry:

I wake up in tears every time.
Shaking. Shower. And keep myself alive.

 

[anonymous]

I still have dreams about him.
I have dreams of memories.
I have dreams of the now.
The dreams...

I am sorry that this has happened to you. I do know how you feel, showers and all. Tears are rare for me, but even that I have had a few times.

I am glad you are keeping yourself alive. Keep that up. Be well.

 

[Mee]

I haven’t worked out the quote function here but to the person who had consensual sex the day after with her POS I want to tell you that this is something I discussed with the police rape advocate I was lucky to be able to speak to and she was incredibly supportive about this. Telling me exactly how common and NORMAL this is.

I am ‘at terms’ with my assaults but for the one with romantic involvement and betrayal.

 

[hithere]

I looked up stockholm syndrome and it really does not fit in my case, as there is no mutual feeling b...

I told my counselor I looked up stockholm syndrome and that it didn't apply to me, and all he said was that is was an analogy and that it isn't unusual...???? I gave up talking about it, he would just sit and stare at me with no answers or discussions