Thank you
@Justmehere for your comments. Just to clarify matters further my ex had already left the family home a week before my kid disclosed his abuse of her. He hadn't been back in all that time nor had he contacted us in any way. According to my kid he hadn't assaulted her for a few weeks but I now realise the damage was well and truly already done. I know you think you think I should have rung the police the night my kid disclosed this awful stuff to me but I was really in no fit state to be dealing with the cops that night. It was all I could do to get us home from my nasty former friends house get my kid fed bathed and off to sleep. I wasn't capable of anything more to be honest. I needed a relatively clear head on my shoulders to deal with Old Bill the next day and as it was I didn't get much sleep that night being so upset about my kid's revelations regarding her Dad. As for my perception of my kid's reaction on telling me about her Dad's abuse of her being skewed I'm sorry but I will never forget that night as long as I live, what she told me, how she said it, her facial expression, her tone of voice, the look in her eyes, her body language.... It's all indelibly imprinted on my brain. I will also never forget how I reacted and behaved myself. You can say it was worse that I called my ex that night rather than calling the police all you like but I wonder what you would have done in the same position and circumstances? I was in an utter state of shock and fury and I didn't know what else to do. At the end of the day I'm only human and I f*cked up because I'm not perfect and I completely hold my hands up to that OK? If I don't own it I can't change it. I will regret it deeply for the rest of my bloody life. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have done things totally differently. You criticise me for my choices at the time but I was acting under extreme duress and my head would have been a total bloody mess because of this bastard's abuse of my kids and I even if I wasn't out of my box on alcohol and drugs. You talk about trauma bonding yet you don't seem to understand how that can affect one's choices when one is being abused. However I agree that this so called 'man' should not have any access to my dog and that won't be happening now and I don't care if he's pissed off about it because I owe him nothing. I admit freely that I've had my priorities all wrong and now I've decided I don't give a flying f*ck about the money either. Or the washing I've left behind at his place. I can stand losing a few quid and some dirty linen but I couldn't stand losing my dog as she's all I have left in the world. And accepting the fact that this bastard is bloody evil through and through I wouldn't put anything past him. I do believe he would hurt or kill the dog just to spite me like I now believe he hurt my kids for the same reason. He just can't be bloody trusted as far as I could throw him. I'm sorry it took me almost half a lifetime to come to terms with his evil nature but the main thing is I'm here now and I'm not turning back for nothing. As for the steps I've taken to help myself I got him out of my house 5 months ago. I'm 4 and a half month's clean of drugs and I see my key worker at the local drug and alcohol clinic fortnightly. I'm starting an alcohol detox group this week followed by a DV group in a few weeks time. There is no need for a restraining order because in all the years I've known this bastard he has never come after me once. I've always pursued him instead much to my eternal shame because of the psychological hold he had on me. He had me so hooked into his abuse of me that he knew I'd always go crawling back for more. It's all I knew at core level. Obviously I'm in the process of changing that and I've decided finally enough is enough. So I hope this has answered your questions sufficiently.
Yes I know my kid was very hurt over my continued association with their Dad. If I could hop in a time machine go back and change that I would without any hesitation. But I was trauma bonded and didn't understand it as I do now. I would give my bloody right arm to put it right but what can I do if my kid won't let me? She may never let me and I have to be prepared for that. All I can do in the meantime is try to sort myself out. I didn't drink yesterday and I'm not drinking today either. I'm taking it one day at a time even one minute or one hour if need be. I know what I need to do. And it really is all in the doing. Words are cheap but actions speak louder than words. Nobody knows that better than me.
Thanks
@joeylittle I will take your advice on board. I do want responses and replies as I will learn from them and hopefully grow into a better person because of them. I agree that perhaps this wasn't the best place to rant or vent but now I know better I will do better.
Finally I want to apologise again for upsetting or offending other members with what I have written here. That really wasn't my intention and I repeat I really wasn't looking for sympathy. Just some non judgmental understanding and feedback. I can understand why that would be difficult for other members that have been directly impacted by the issues I've talked about here in their own lives and probably hate their own parents for denying them the way I denied my own kids. In these members view and in light of what I have written about it probably gives these members licence to hate me too and maybe punish me for my parental errors because they can't get at their own parents to punish them instead. I can understand that truly I can because I hated my own dad for looking the other way over me and my mum and brothers for decades too. But he came to the truth in the end and I forgave him and we repaired our relationship before he died 17 years ago at the end of next month. Like my dad before me I was weak I was scared I was stupid and I was selfish but he wasn't a bad person and nor am I. All I can say is please don't judge me or condemn me until you have walked a mile in my shoes. Perhaps there are some of you who have your own skeletons in your own closets that you're not proud of like me. That you keep hidden from everyone perhaps even yourselves. And you see someone like me trying to bring my own skeletons out into the Light where it can be healed and resolved and you don't like it. Perhaps it scares you on some level and that makes you angry and makes you want to hurt me for doing the one thing you feel unable to do yourselves. I don't know and I certainly don't have all the answers or I wouldn't even be here myself on this forum. All I will say however is that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Let he or she without sin cast the first stone, as it says in the Bible. And if you really don't like what I have to say you don't have to read it and you could make use of the 'ignore' button. But maybe just maybe I might have something to teach you about all this stuff and maybe I can learn from you too. After all we're all on the same journey and it takes many different routes to get on that journey in the first place. I'm just another flawed f*cked up human being doing the best I can with the knowledge I have at the time. Just like you. Just like all of us whether we have PTSD or not.
On that note I will end this reply by wishing you all well in your recovery from this horrible affliction we all share. I'm going to stick around because I have a right to be here same as all of you. I hope I haven't caused further upset but if I have I apologise in advance. But I have to be honest at all times in every way after living a lie for so long and the devastation it caused me and my kids.
Cheers
Crazydiamond47
