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Hi @Faketan... Just wondering how things are with your boyfriend?.. Hope you are getting stronger...
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- Post starter Faketan
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- #14
Thank you I will have a look at this book. Things are slightly better but I am not really getting better. I'm trying thought
If he is shouting at me and saying mean things and I get upset and last out, he will then turn the whole arguement on me, tell me it's all my fault and I'm to blame for the arguement and I should apologise. The way I see it, if he has been mean to me he should then take responsibility to apologise to me for his actions instead of demanding apologies off me
To be honest aswell I'm a nightmare to live with, I'm miserable a lot of the time, I get extremely stressed and my whole self worth goes and mental stability. I can't afford therapy and I don't know how to change myself anymore Iv literally given up 80% of the time. I feel like I'm making his life a misery aswell, which makes me even more paranoid. He recently took some other girls numbers aswel which I found out about which made things 100% worse for me. I'm even more hyper vigilant now.
After that he has improved slightly trying to understand more and giving men more attention but I'm still struggling.
I found it really unhelpful how you picked out one sentence in my message and I feel attempted to change my perception of the arguement. Do you believe PTSD survivors should apologise straight away once triggered, even if the other person is being abusive to them? For me that is the abuse cycle ' they hurt you and you apologise'. I always take responsibility for my actions but I will not beg for forgiveness if someone has hurt me first and expects me to just take it.
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Some people refuse to take any type of personal responsibility. That sounds like your boyfriend. If he can't have empathy, and you have PTSD then I suggest that you need to get out of there if you can.
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It wasn't a single sentence, it was how I read your post. You had said:
- struggle with my Anger now and it's causing a lot of trouble for myself and my relationship.
- triggered almost everyday at the moment. my partner has to deal with me 'loosing my head'
- I get angry and start feeling shameful and self hatred. My partner then gets even worse, telling me to ignore how I feel, that I need to control my anger
- myself awareness is high but that's not the problem it's me being able to control my emotions
- I needed to vent and just get some perspective from others who may understand
So I understood your post to be looking for perspective on how to deal with your uncontrolled anger, getting triggered, and lashing out at your partner.
With PTSD we often treat our partners badly, and that's wrong.
It can also be tempting.. when we're often mad at someone for something they didn't do (triggered), to overgeneralize & apply the same brush to ourselves... that when they're mad at us? They're the ones that are mad, that means we didn't do it! They're just triggered -oh- No. they're not. They're actually mad at me, for something I did, now. Not lashing out at me, for something someone else did a long time ago. :facepalm:
One of the tricks for dealing with both those things? Getting really present. That can be really difficult to do, to remove the emotion, & separate out the past / present to look at what's happening right now in the present.... without a reality check or outside perspective. Which is what I thought you were asking for. From people who get PTSD and mixing up past/present, instead of friends who assume that anytime you're mad? You're clearly right to be, girlfriend! The dog! How dare he blah blah blah. Okay, so what's happening? He's asking you to apologize when you get triggered and lash out. Again, to me that sounds really fair.
I think it gets complicated a bit with this part:
But?
This piece makes sense in context, if he's asking you to apologize for what he's upset with you about. For example, if I was mad at my husband -for something he did- and was shouting at him? I wouldn't be asking for an apology for my shouting. That's on me. I'd be asking for an apology for what I was mad about. The thing he did.
Hitting the second part of this question, first... I didn't read anything about your partner being abusive to you, in your OP. I read you saying that when you were triggered you were responding to your partner as if he were your ex / was being abusive / because of your past... which is exactly what triggers do. The past and the present blurs, just as you said, and we respond in the present like it's the past.
If someone is actually being abusive? Then that changes things. But up until this response you made no mention of your boyfriend being abusive. If he is abusive? Then, yes, that would change things.
Working off the premise that he's not? (Or that you will have healthy relationships in your life where dealing with your anger and getting triggered will be a problem in those relationships?)
As far as apologizing straight away once triggered? ABSOLUTELY! Can't underscore that one enough, to be honest. One better is to recognize when you're triggered, before you lose control of your anger, and take it out on those around you.... but part of that process? Usually involves working from having already screwed up, realizing it, stopping, & apologizing. Each and every single time. It not only puts a full stop on a behavior, (I just treated you badly, and that was wrong), but it also starts helping move the awareness forward to before we do anything that needs an apology.
It can also be tempting.. when we're often mad at someone for something they didn't do (triggered), to overgeneralize & apply the same brush to ourselves... that when they're mad at us? They're the ones that are mad, that means we didn't do it! They're just triggered -oh- No. they're not. They're actually mad at me, for something I did, now. Not lashing out at me, for something someone else did a long time ago. :facepalm:
One of the tricks for dealing with both those things? Getting really present. That can be really difficult to do, to remove the emotion, & separate out the past / present to look at what's happening right now in the present.... without a reality check or outside perspective. Which is what I thought you were asking for. From people who get PTSD and mixing up past/present, instead of friends who assume that anytime you're mad? You're clearly right to be, girlfriend! The dog! How dare he blah blah blah. Okay, so what's happening? He's asking you to apologize when you get triggered and lash out. Again, to me that sounds really fair.
I think it gets complicated a bit with this part:
Because It can also make it seem like your catching it both coming and going. Like, WTF?!? :O_o: I have to apologize when I'm mad AND when he's mad? But it's not that black and white, there are -or can be- 2 totally different things going on.
But?
This piece makes sense in context, if he's asking you to apologize for what he's upset with you about. For example, if I was mad at my husband -for something he did- and was shouting at him? I wouldn't be asking for an apology for my shouting. That's on me. I'd be asking for an apology for what I was mad about. The thing he did.
Hitting the second part of this question, first... I didn't read anything about your partner being abusive to you, in your OP. I read you saying that when you were triggered you were responding to your partner as if he were your ex / was being abusive / because of your past... which is exactly what triggers do. The past and the present blurs, just as you said, and we respond in the present like it's the past.
If someone is actually being abusive? Then that changes things. But up until this response you made no mention of your boyfriend being abusive. If he is abusive? Then, yes, that would change things.
Working off the premise that he's not? (Or that you will have healthy relationships in your life where dealing with your anger and getting triggered will be a problem in those relationships?)
As far as apologizing straight away once triggered? ABSOLUTELY! Can't underscore that one enough, to be honest. One better is to recognize when you're triggered, before you lose control of your anger, and take it out on those around you.... but part of that process? Usually involves working from having already screwed up, realizing it, stopping, & apologizing. Each and every single time. It not only puts a full stop on a behavior, (I just treated you badly, and that was wrong), but it also starts helping move the awareness forward to before we do anything that needs an apology.
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EveHarrington
VIP Member
So why do you stay?
Don’t you think you deserve better?
Your guy is taking numbers from other women. <game over>
Don’t you think you deserve better?
Your guy is taking numbers from other women. <game over>
- Post starter
- #18
I know I let things go a lot more because I feel like I'm so difficult to be with. But i knownits unacceptable.
I'm also become scared of if I'll be able to handle the feelings. I thinktherapy is what I need more off
Anxiety and hating myself
im really struggling with my anxiety I had job interviews and it has brought back a lot of anxiety. Iv been trying recently to really look after myself and be more positive and patient, not reacting as much and being peaceful. Today however I went straight back Into my rage, pure shame and self hatred of myself as me and my partner got into an argument. We have huge communication problems, I often try to be calm and tell him exactly what my problem is but if like to stick to the logical side of the problem.
I have huge problems trusting him and I have reason to also, we have been trying to push forward. My anxiety was high today and he came home and decided to start getting at me for being so questionable, I do often act as a detective and I see all the cracks in people stories. I did leave it though and didn't push my points. Today was a day when he didn't want to leave it and wanted me to keep telling me about how annoying I am, which I did acknowledge I understand I do this. I the wanted him to understand why it is I am like it so we can look at ways of moving it forward. My partner can be supper stubborn though and often just wants me to say how I am and that it will just stop, but that would be a lie because I have ptsd right now and I know it won't just stop. He full decideds to ignore what I have to say and just tell me to stop it and to change. It's longer than that though. I also speak negatively of him and say he doesn't comfort me when I get extremely anxious and that puts him down. I end up crying my eyes out and getting angry, I dissociate and he doesn't help me atall. Most of my posts are about this issue. I just don't know how to stop it.
I have therapy, I try to leave but that can make our arguement a worse and he doesn't like it. i do yoga, I read and write positively but if I'm triggered and then get pushed I can't control my emotions.
Does anyone have any more tips, tomorrow I'm going to feel intense shame and paranoid because why would he want to be with someone who acts like me.
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I really identify with this post. Thank u for ur honesty.
Me & my partner often have this same issue. As she will never understand why I am the way I am. She just doesn't get it cos she hadn't experienced the same things & doesn't have ptsd to live with.
Having to accept that & look elsewhere for comfort & understanding in those times of intensity is what I'm having to do & is extremely challenging at times!!
So far all I've got to is the awareness lol. If u know what I mean...
like I c myself responding to her moods thru the eyes of the traumatised part of me. & now I'm aware of that.
So instead of rolling into the same pattern I usually do which is to try to get her to understand where I'm at ( which will never work ever) or to try & appease her so that it doesn't escalate, (when really she doesn't want me to appease to her at all, that's just the traumatised part of me reacting out an old behavioural pattern)
Now I can actually sense when this is happening & ovserve myself & the situation.
In these times what I'm meant to do is remove myself straight away & go & comfort myself & that traumatised part of myself that desperately wants to feel heard & soothed.
I comfort myself best by getting a hot tea to ground myself. Reaching out to other survivors by what's app or text or calling. & by writing a post on here to get connected with what's really going on for me inside on the deeper level.
When I can respond to the situation like that. Usually I can then talk to my partner from the adult part of myself later on without flying into a reaction.
But I'm not perfect. & do just very much struggle to get myself to actually go & do these things to help myself haha.
Ah it's frustrating! But I mean it's progress! Not perfection :).
Some1 once said to me "if ur gunna beat urself up do it with a giant feather" lol.
It's really difficult learning to manage these symptoms & I can sometimes be way too hard on myself for not "getting it right" all the time.
Just even being aware of the issue is commendable, especially coming from where I've been!
Hope u can be gentle with urself. Take it easy & thanks so much for ur post xx
Me & my partner often have this same issue. As she will never understand why I am the way I am. She just doesn't get it cos she hadn't experienced the same things & doesn't have ptsd to live with.
Having to accept that & look elsewhere for comfort & understanding in those times of intensity is what I'm having to do & is extremely challenging at times!!
So far all I've got to is the awareness lol. If u know what I mean...
like I c myself responding to her moods thru the eyes of the traumatised part of me. & now I'm aware of that.
So instead of rolling into the same pattern I usually do which is to try to get her to understand where I'm at ( which will never work ever) or to try & appease her so that it doesn't escalate, (when really she doesn't want me to appease to her at all, that's just the traumatised part of me reacting out an old behavioural pattern)
Now I can actually sense when this is happening & ovserve myself & the situation.
In these times what I'm meant to do is remove myself straight away & go & comfort myself & that traumatised part of myself that desperately wants to feel heard & soothed.
I comfort myself best by getting a hot tea to ground myself. Reaching out to other survivors by what's app or text or calling. & by writing a post on here to get connected with what's really going on for me inside on the deeper level.
When I can respond to the situation like that. Usually I can then talk to my partner from the adult part of myself later on without flying into a reaction.
But I'm not perfect. & do just very much struggle to get myself to actually go & do these things to help myself haha.
Ah it's frustrating! But I mean it's progress! Not perfection :).
Some1 once said to me "if ur gunna beat urself up do it with a giant feather" lol.
It's really difficult learning to manage these symptoms & I can sometimes be way too hard on myself for not "getting it right" all the time.
Just even being aware of the issue is commendable, especially coming from where I've been!
Hope u can be gentle with urself. Take it easy & thanks so much for ur post xx
I'm on this forum as a supporter to my SO who has PTSD. Circular arguments that follow the same pattern seem pretty normal in our case. From the info you've provided it's a little hard to tell how these conversations go down. In that sense, it's also a little hard to tell if he is actually being abusive or playing mind games, or if this is a PTSD/supporter gridlock situation, wherein BOTH are right and a solution needs to be found where BOTH feel heard and validated.
I'm not trying to side with your partner or invalidate your argument, but here a few questions that might help you untangle this:
Maybe he is plain incapable of dealing with criticism and would be getting defensive even without your PTSD. Maybe he has a hard time translating your words and actions and weeding out PTSD talk from what it is you're actually trying to say. Maybe he is fully aware of what's going on but is trying to gaslight you. It's hard to tell from the info you've provided...
I'm not trying to side with your partner or invalidate your argument, but here a few questions that might help you untangle this:
Is there a possibility that, in not understanding how you are affected, how blurred you are, and how shameful you feel, your partner may have a hard time reading your "upset"? Meaning, if you're actually upset about something he did and he may even agree with you, maybe he has a hard time understanding the severity of your emotional reaction, finds it unwarranted and unfair, and goes on the defense? Maybe he's not far enough (or he's not willing?) to be able to tell when PTSD is talking, not you, and can't keep those two apart? It took me a long time, and I still struggle to let go of some things my SO says when triggered. I get incredibly upset by some of what he says, and no matter if he's right in being angry at me, HOW he expresses it makes it difficult for me to move on without an apology from HIM sometimes.
So it sounds like he isn't able to VALIDATE your right to be angry, but in turn wants you to validate HIS right to be angry. In these cases, I think both parties are right. Both need to have their feelings accepted and validated. If he feels mistreated, he has a right to express that. If you feel mistreated, you do too. But both of you are responsible for handling and dealing with your anger before coming together. "Self-validating" your anger is vastly more important than having your SO do it. He needs to learn that too.
Maybe he is plain incapable of dealing with criticism and would be getting defensive even without your PTSD. Maybe he has a hard time translating your words and actions and weeding out PTSD talk from what it is you're actually trying to say. Maybe he is fully aware of what's going on but is trying to gaslight you. It's hard to tell from the info you've provided...
THIS, I can say is the only element I'd say is plain abusive. You're not his servant. So if that's the tenor of your discussions, I'd be inclined to believe he's got a lot to learn in terms of respect.
- Post starter
- #21
Thank your for this post. Im starting realise talking to other survivors really helps. And knowing other people understand really helps as I do often get conviced it’s just me.
I just did "shame" search because that's one of my issues too. In my last relationship, the guy couldn't OR wouldn't [does it matter which?]
invest in me/us, get informed about my symptoms/diagnosis, be supportive... It went like this: He'd diminish, deflect, minimize, ignore, criticize, get very impatient very quickly and/or rage at me if/when I had any issue about anything. BUT I'd focus on, listen to & attend to his issue{s}. Conclusion = one-sided relationship with an abuser. No apology. No SHAME for his neglectful, hurtful and disrespectful words and behaviors. I tried too hard, stayed too long, got traumatized & felt {re}shamed. That relationship, that man got me really sick{er} really quickly {15 months}
Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them, book by Susan Forward
Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, book by Mira Kirshenbaum
Healing The Shame That Binds, book by John Bradshaw
+ countless YouTube webinars on Narcissist Abuse helped me.
Perhaps you can relate to this? I wish you clarity, courage & recovery.
invest in me/us, get informed about my symptoms/diagnosis, be supportive... It went like this: He'd diminish, deflect, minimize, ignore, criticize, get very impatient very quickly and/or rage at me if/when I had any issue about anything. BUT I'd focus on, listen to & attend to his issue{s}. Conclusion = one-sided relationship with an abuser. No apology. No SHAME for his neglectful, hurtful and disrespectful words and behaviors. I tried too hard, stayed too long, got traumatized & felt {re}shamed. That relationship, that man got me really sick{er} really quickly {15 months}
Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them, book by Susan Forward
Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, book by Mira Kirshenbaum
Healing The Shame That Binds, book by John Bradshaw
+ countless YouTube webinars on Narcissist Abuse helped me.
Perhaps you can relate to this? I wish you clarity, courage & recovery.
- Post starter
- #23
You are welcome. Pray you protect yourself from any/all possible RE-injuries.
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