Relationship I’m beat up by guilt and not knowing what to do.

[Deleted member 44240]

I'm just trying to gather info, no undertone intended: you say he doesn't reach out other than for practi...

He explained that he needed time before he could talk to me due to a major challenge we’re having, therefore explaining the tough time. It’s complete no contact for now and I’ve just been reaching out on occasion to let him know I’m thinking of him.

 

[joeylittle]

If and when your supporter makes a innocent mistake (however, BIG) do you go into no contact shut/out?

When anyone who is in my life does something significant to betray my trust, I stop talking to them. That's not my depression or PTSD doing it, it's me making a choice.

I am not trying to beat you up about this - really, truly. I know you feel badly. But I think until you accept that it was actually a wrong thing to have done, and it doesn't matter that it was 'innocent' - then you won't be able to truly apologize, own the mistake, accept it, and move forward.

When you conceive of it has having been an innocent action, you are saying that you didn't do anything wrong. A mistake, yes, but not a breach of trust. You believe it wasn't a breach because your motivation was to care, not to harm.

Once, I was watching a neighbor's beautiful flower garden. I mean, gorgeous. They put a lot of time, effort, care, and money into this small plot of land. I had all my instructions, and followed them diligently. Some very green (and, I thought, pretty) stalks began to grow. I continued watering, pinching off dead blossoms, etc....When the neighbors came home, they explained that I had allowed weeds to completely overtake the beds. I had no idea those things were weeds. Really, no idea. I was an adult and everything...no clue.

It was a terrible error in judgement, a big mistake, and it cost me a fair amount of money to fix, and it took awhile for the neighbors (and friends of mine) to not be angry at me. Sure, it was not a malicious error. But not being malicious does not make something innocent, nor does it make it lesser than what it is.

I know it's very hard, but sometimes you just need to accept that you screwed up, it was real, and there are consequences. The only reason PTSD has anything to do with this, is that's the thing you talked to someone else about - his PTSD. But his shutting you out, that's nothing but relational. He's not OK with it, and might not become OK with it; you can't control that.

 

[Friday]

. If and when your supporter makes a innocent mistake (however, BIG) do you go into no contact shut/out? I guess I’m lost on how to handle my current situation. He doesn’t respond to texts, does answer calls however, he doesn’t tell me not to reach out to him when I do. Very confusing.

It sounds like he’s broken up with you.

Not isolating. Not irrational. Not symptomatic in any way. You made a mistake he considered deal breaker worthy, and broke up with you.

His behavior stops being confusing if you stop trying to look at it under the lens of PTSD symptoms, and look at it as a breakup. Do that? And all of his behavior makes a lot of sense.

 

[Supervixn]

I think he is healed and whole in heaven now and I will see him again when I am finally healed and whole too. I will be so very happy to be with him again because I still miss him so much.

Side note... thank you for sharing your beautiful story with us. You sound incredibly strong. What an amazing love... you will definitely see him again... whole and healed :). Bless you

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@joeylittle, too late, I feel beat up again. It sounds like you’re making me pay for what was done to him. @Friday, I would like to thank you for telling me that he broke up with me.

I started the thread explaining that I was beat up by guilt already which means I didn’t need to be beat up any longer, yet and still, it sounds like that’s what’s happening again. Unfortunately, I was looking for suggestions from others who may have made mistakes in their relationships. Ptsd or not, your constant reminder of break up and stop speaking, perfect for relationships. Since reading so much about ptsd, break ups are common (with returns), being irrational (arguing) is common. Being a good supporter who’s around through thick and thin, no matter what, unconditionally, that’s not common. Oh, btw he explained that although he couldn’t speak to me or see me, all is forgiven, he just needs time. Anyone who knows my story would have read this.

 

[Hojay]

@B.J. All of the above is why I asked you all those questions that could help figure out if this is isolation we're talking about or a breakup. The distinction is important, not in order to gauge how horrible/unforgivable/insert terrible adjective your "mistake" was, but to adequately help you find a way to understand what is happening and choose a way forward accordingly.

You haven't answered any of those questions, maybe in part because you don't want to hear that this is over and you should move on. Most likely, with the guilt you're feelings, you'd equate that response with your mistake being unforgivable.

Objectively speaking, and this is just my humble opinion, your "mistake" is not unforgivable. This is looking at it from the angle of a normal relationship that operates on rational, pragmatic terms. Unfortunately, our PTSD relationships are rarely rational and pragmatic--and that to varying degrees--so really our view on what is and isn't forgivable goes out the window in relationships like these.

I think the goal is for you to forgive YOURSELF for what you did. For that you need to first come to terms with what is happening now (thus my questions to you above) and then find the compassion and understanding for YOURSELF of having done everything possible in an impossible situation.

As much as all of us would like, this forum isn't the Oracle of Delphi. We can't say if he'll come back, if this is just another sufferer isolating, or if if it's more final than that. But I assure you, even if it's the case that he broke up for good, none of us here would tell you to just get over it.

I know I've made mistakes with my sufferer. Yes, he's told me xyz was "the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to him." But that was trigger talk, and he may have isolated after, but it didn't take a lot of coaxing for me to make him understand that it's nothing to break up over.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure there are a few things I could do where he would break up with me and never look back. He has a hard time trusting people, is insanely stubborn, and there are a few lines in the sand, when crossed, there would be no way back. And it wouldn't matter a bit if what I did was objectively speaking not that bad. He'd be done, fin, fertig. Living with that would be sheer and utter hell, and despite having done EVERYTHING for this relationship, I'd be left feeling like it was all my fault.

That's the belief that any supporter who has been broken up with needs to take a hard look at.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@B.J. All of the above is why I asked you all those questions that could help figure o...

Thank you @Hojay

 

[Hojay]

Respectfully, @B.J. can I ask you what it is you'd like specific advice on? If it's not to figure out if this is isolation vs. a breakup, or if you should feel guilty about what happened, then what is it we can help you with?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Respectfully, @B.J. can I ask you what it is you'd like specific advice on? If it's no...

Although I’m riddled with guilt for making a mistake, I wanted to hear from others about how they handled mistakes whether big or small. I own that I made a biggie, but I also know that he can be stubborn and set in his ways for a while. He broke up with me back in September, so that wasn’t even something to discuss, however, in November after I made reference to our anniversary coming up, is when I noticed the isolation.

 

[Hojay]

I wanted to hear from others about how they handled mistakes whether big or small.

Other than apologizing, telling him I get it, and it won't happen again, there is no way I could handle them other than hope and pray that he wouldn't grab the mistake, hold on to it, and run. Because really, if he'd done that, there is nothing on this planet I could have done or said to reverse that. Yes, he's that stubborn too.

The biggest thing he's had a hard time forgiving me for has been me "not letting him calm down" when he needs to. That's a huge biggie for him, and one I had to come on this forum for to get into my thick little head (very obvious in hindsight, but still not as cut and dried as some make it out to be.) There have been real consequences to my mistake--for one, that he's afraid to talk to me about things that may trigger him. Yeah, you can imagine what that does to our communication. But essentially, we're still together because he grasps that, while I made a mistake (or a few,) it's his PTSD and inability to handle himself sometimes that is the REAL problem. If he hadn't grasped that to some extent, he'd have long broken up with me.

He broke up with me back in September, so that wasn’t even something to discuss, however, in November after I made reference to our anniversary coming up, is when I noticed the isolation.

You mentioning reads a bit like you do want some insight on whether this is isolation or a breakup?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

It could be due to ignorance on my part. I don’t have a name for what’s going on, isolation or break up. I call it isolation because he told me all was forgiven and he needs time. He never said that he never wanted to speak to me or see me ever again. As mentioned, he can be quite stubborn about several things, so I’ve made allowances in the past for this. I don’t know if it’s him or his illness causing him to behave this way, but I do know that we’ve jumped bigger hurdles before this.

I want to thank you for sharing your story of how things were handled with you husband and how you learned how to co-exist and interact with him. I’ve learned a lot on this forum from people like you and you seem to deliver with care and kindness.

 

[joeylittle]

@joeylittle, too late, I feel beat up again. It sounds like you’re making me pay for what was done to him.

I am not trying to beat you up about this - really, truly. I know you feel badly. But I think until you accept that it was actually a wrong thing to have done, and it doesn't matter that it was 'innocent' - then you won't be able to truly apologize, own the mistake, accept it, and move forward.

I'm not sure how else to say "I'm not beating you up", and "I know you feel badly". No, I'm not trying at all to 'make you pay'. I'm not sure you know that you are placing accountability on me for your interpretation of my words.

Part of interacting with the people with mental illness in one's life (I have some in mine), involves developing a good handle on one's own interpersonal and relational concepts and skills. Understanding what you can and cannot have an impact on. How to own your responsibility without having it turn into beating yourself up, and how to keep yourself from assuming responsibility - and often feeling very bad and helpless - for stuff that you can't do anything about.

I'd suggest that spending some time with DBT might help you in a number of ways. This website - DBT Self Help - is a nice resource to start with, if you want to check it out.