Relationship Having a bad day

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

hi everyone. I’m having such a bad day.. so grateful this forum exists, would have felt so awfully lonely otherwise.

My boyfriend or ex boyfriend... don’t even know what to call him, is going to a therapist and I’m so happy he is.

He doesn’t know what he feels for me any longer as he says he is dead on the inside and he is incapable of feeling. He says he has taken the desicion to work on himself and put himself first (going to counseling and doing things which make him feel better). He said our relationship and him having to think about MY happiness, being responsible of my happiness, having to think about if he is hurting me or how I am feeling must now be put on hold as he feels extremely guilty being in a loving relationship with me when he does not feel the love and he is just getting frustrated.

He spoke about his therapy session and how his therapist is telling him that unless he focuses on himself and really deals with the events that caused him PTSD, he will have a hard time feeling much for anyone/have a healthy relationship.

He keeps saying to me how his main focus is himself and that’s great, but I still want this relationship and I still want some sort of reassurance that we can be together after he’s put his trauma into perspective. I still want that life with him I dreamt of!

The uncertainty scares me. Not knowing where I stand or what may happen. I find myself constantly asking him for reassurance that we will pick up on things and he is getting frustrated at me because he can’t answer all these questions. He says that when I’m emotional like that I am being selfish

Why can’t he just tell me that he wants our future still. The one we both used to plan and talk about! I can’t ever say anything that’s emotional cause he feels pressure.

Does all this make sense?

Feel really upset today

 

[Snowflakes]

Does all this make sense?

Yes, it makes perfect sense.....both what he is saying and what you are feeling.

I think he can’t tell you what he wants in your future together because he really doesn’t know. This is why he is going to therapy and he has told you about that.

I might gently suggest you start a journal in the diary section. If you can’t write online, then a personal journal at home. I have found that keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings has helped me to heal. Remember, your boyfriend is in therapy to heal himself and, yes, at this point he must put his healing first. You need to do the same by taking care of you. Keeping a journal is a good way to start.

I truly understand and feel your pain. Take care of you. I offer a gentle hug if appropriate and you accept.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Snowflakes,
Thank you’ and big big hug.

It helps so much letting my feelings out here. I don’t know what’s normal and isn’t.
I would love to start a journal. I feel alone in this situation because no one around me actually understands it.

7 years of my life and I’ve shaded every single moment with this man. Every joy, every sadness. I’ve been there when he’s been ill, when his family has been ill, when he has been financially in a bad situation, when he’s had anxiety, and much more. He has been there for me too. And I’ve done all
This because I love him with my heart and soul. He feels like family now, like my actual blood. To imagine that my future might not be with him is a thought that breaks me. I don’t wanna sound patethic but this isn’t fair! Everything was going fine before this horrible thing!!! And now everything’s torn apart!

 

[Snowflakes]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD I truly understand. 11 years of my life I have spent with my wife doing anything and everything for her....not because I had to but because I wanted to.

You’re right....it isn’t fair. PTSD robs both the sufferer and their supporter but, at the end of the day we have to choose whether we let the illness beat us or not. Your boyfriend has chosen not to let his illness beat him, this is why he is going to therapy and he does care about you because he told you. You have a choice to take care of you.

A wise person here told me that giving our sufferer time and space is a loving act. She is right.

Yes, you will go through a ton of emotions, this is normal. After 11 years I still go through a ton of emotions. When I do, I write in my journal, ask questions here, and then do something for me.

:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it would be good to work on radical acceptance and focus on yourself.

I know the concept of numbness is impossible to be understand by anyone who has not experienced it personally, but please know that he cannot reassure you or answer your questions because he does not feel this way about you right now. His feelings may return, or they may not. It’s just how things often go when it comes to ptsd.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @BoyfriendqwithPTSD...

Well that's hard, hurtful and crushing.. Your heart wants to be with him.. Because you love him. And he loves you too... I guess all you can do is wait. Wait till he gets better.. Wait till he can feel again.

I know that's not a great answer because a time scale I can't give you... I hope he can. Ptsd can be managed and therapy is the best place for him in terms of recovery. So is reading all you can about ptsd, maybe you can do that together.

I hope you two well. Big hugs...

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hello, @BoyfriendqwithPTSD. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sure it's devastating and frustrating going though this after being with him so long.

Sometimes it's hard to get it. We as supporters have no idea. None. There is a huge learning curve when it comes to supporting somebody with PTSD, and we all have lessons to learn. Lord knows I mess up all the time, but after dealing with my partner's PTSD for several years, I've learned some valuable lessons.

One of these lessons is about boundaries. They are VITAL in a healthy PTSD relationship... yours and his. Boundaries are not about controlling your partner, rather they are limits you set for yourself. "I can or cannot tolerate XYZ", or "I can or cannot do XYZ". All you can do is lay out your boundaries and then your partner has to choose if they will respect them or not. It's up to each individual to enforce their own limits.... "if XYZ continues to happen I will leave, not engage in the conversations, end the relationship, etc."

In healthy relationships partners respect each others boundaries.

He said our relationship and him having to think about MY happiness, being responsible of my happiness, having to think about if he is hurting me or how I am feeling must now be put on hold as he feels extremely guilty being in a loving relationship with me when he does not feel the love and he is just getting frustrated.

He's being very honest, open, and fair with you. This is not a decision he is making. Emotional numbing is a symptom of PTSD, and right now he is dealing with that symptom. He is telling you his limitations. This is a boundary.

I find myself constantly asking him for reassurance that we will pick up on things and he is getting frustrated at me because he can’t answer all these questions.

You're stepping over that boundary. He cannot give you that reassurance. Continuing to ask him is adding to his stress cup.

He says that when I’m emotional like that I am being selfish

I'm sure it's out of heartbreak and that you don't have any malicious intent, but you are being selfish. He's repeatedly told you he can't handle your emotions, but you keep asking him to deal with them. When your partner is symptomatic they can't always meet your needs.

Why can’t he just tell me that he wants our future still.

Because he cannot. He's not playing games. He doesn't know.

What you're doing is making the situation ten times worse. You're not supporting, you're adding stress to the cup.

I don't think your a bad person, and I don't want you to feel attacked. I'm trying to help you out. It sounds like right now you're shocked and devestated and you're desperate not to lose him.

Calm down girl. Calm down. Things could be a lot worse. He still has the lines of communication open. He is seeking treatment. He is being open and honest with you. He obviously respects you even if he is numbing right now. He didn't take off and cut off all communication, which would have been the easiest thing in the world for him to do. That alone was a lot of work. This is all very positive.

There is still time to fix this boundary issue. However, if you don't fix it soon he is going to lose his trust in you.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone. Thank you for the lovely and honest words.

My partner has had general anxiety disorder for 10 years, and I learnt to manage that very well. PTSD however is a whole new ballgame.

I need to research, learn more about PTSD. For me I find myself getting angry and frustrated because I CANNOT FIX THIS!

I am a mental health nurse. I’m used to making people feel better, being able to help but I can’t help him! Or I can, and I’m just letting my emotions and fears get the best of me.

I put my hand down and I honestly say: I am being very difficult with him. I’m being demanding, insecure, emotional! I feel angry! But, I’m not trying to make him feel worse, I’m just trying to figure the situation out. I love him and I don’t want to hurt him. I need to stop stressing him out and also, stop stressing ME out. It’s just hard, hard to accept that he doesn’t love me right now, hard to understand that when he holds me he does not feel anything, hard to accept that.. we might not end up together. I’m not willing to accept that. I can’t.

So many thoughts and emotions. Some days I’m better, happy and focused on myself. Easy going. And it actually changes the dynamic between him and I, we have more fun! And it feels like before.

Some days I feel worse, like today. Insecure and scared. He sees his therapist and I find myself getting paranoid thinking ‘I hope the therapist doesn’t tell him to stop taking to me’
It’s ridiculous I know. Like today. He saw his therapist and rang me afterwards and I was upset because he kept talking about how he is fully focused on himself. He comes first. But what about US? A voice in my head whispered. Believe me when I say, I WANT him to recover and get help (I actually referred him, with his permission) but my damn thoughts get the best of me. After seeing his therapist. He hasn’t rang me or contacted for 6 hours. That’s fine, he needs space, he’s busy. He doesn’t have to check in with me, but today it makes me nervous!

I’m just here having a rant. And letting everything out. And honestly none of my friends really get it so I usually feel worse after talking to them ‘leave him, he’s selfish, find better’
You guys are amazing and honestly I wish you all the best in life because you truly deserve it. I would probably be a wreck but reading your kind responses every time I feel upset gives me comfort and relief.

Thank you xx

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

He hasn’t chatted to me since yesterday. I tried making contact and he is giving me really short answers.

I asked why he isn’t speaking to me properly and he said: you came across really strong with your feelings AGAIN yesterday.

When we spoke yesterday I asked him for answers and I cried. So now he is being completely cold with me.

What do I do?

 

[LuckiLee]

He can't handle his emotions. How is he going to handle yours? Give the guy some space. Or you'll push him farther away!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Okay leehalf. Thank you. I will calm down

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I’ve done the same mistake so many times and I’m beating myself up about it,but it’s not from a bad place