Criticizing my t. do others do this?

[UnicornSightings]

So I notice it’s new with this one and I didn’t do it with my last. She was a woman and he’s a man. I think that may be why? Like I’ve seen him only a handful of times but I find I want to correct the ways he does things. Like say “yeah, you’re not supposed to disclose that” or “you really should have a boundary there or be clearer”. Like the way he does things is gonna be different from my last t and that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I like him a lot. He has tea. He even bought tea that I wanted. But I criticize the kind of honey he has and how hot the water is!!!! And I’ve done it several times. It’s so freaken weird. Like it’s so awesome that he does that, why am I criticizing?! I think maybe it’s because it’s so nice and I want to stomp all over that? I don’t want him to think I’m awful. Geez. He adapts to whatever I need, I have a sore throat and texted asking if it’s cool if tomorrow I text in session and he’s totally good with that and said he’ll have the hot water ready! To which I joked about it being scalding. I realize this isn’t a huge issue right now, and that he likely doesn’t cry at the end of the night at my remarks but it signifies a bigger issue, I think. Ugh. Does anyone else do this? I think I’m gonna have to bring it up tomorrow cause it’s really bugging me.

 

[Ronin]

I'd take that therapist in a heartbeat.

What a caring darling.

 

[Muted]

I give my t a hard time when I’m being onery sometimes, but she gets me. Do you think it’s your way of pushing him away @UnicornSightings?

 

[UnicornSightings]

I'd take that therapist in a heartbeat.

What a caring darling.

He’s awesome. I think maybe I want to stomp all the caring out of him. Since I get to text him I’m gonna just have something already prepared so I can hit send when I get there and we can “talk” about it. I do tell him I appreciate him so I’m a mix of kindness and asshole.

I give my t a hard time when I’m being onery sometimes, but she gets me. Do you think it’s your way o...

Yeah! I think maybe?

I do it in a joking way. And I generally joke to avoid discomfort which he knows.

My mom was always super critical of guys. I think that has a TON to do with it. Ugh. I don’t want to be like that.

 

[EveHarrington]

A defense mechanism?

That way you don't have to open up and be vulnerable?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Whoever edits my posts and comments, thank you, looks so much nicer when you do! :)

A defense mechanism?

That way you don't have to open up and be vulnerable?

Yeah. I feel disproportionately bad about it, though. Like it’s doubtful he’s losing sleep about having a really hot water kettle... Maybe this is rather just something I need to release and not let myself spin out on innocuous comments. We all say things that aren’t exactly skillful at times, why beat myself up for it? If something really bothers him then maybe I can just trust he will say something eventually. And trust that that’s just what’s to be expected from others and I don’t have to go into everyone else’s brains and try to find out what they’re thinking and then clear it up immediately

 

[Sideways]

It’s kind of nice to be able to be receptive when someone is doing something nice for us, yeah? Like, wow, he got the tea that you like? “Geez, that’s unexpected, thanks T”! There’s something about receiving his kindness that you’re reacting to...

Tonnes of reasons why you might be doing that.

Like, this could be straight up garden variety resistance. New therapist is uncomfortable, him being nice is reeeeally uncomfortable, so we put up resistance. Very normal.

Another common one? Challenging kindness because you simply don’t trust it. Kindness? Unnecessary kindness? No way, there’s gotta be a catch... So we when we receive kindness, sometimes we challenge it to test whether it’s just skin deep. That’s a trust thing.

The other one that springs to mind, is how do you feel about people being nice to you? Do you feel worthy of that, or is there a bit of self-loathing in there that likes to remind you “You don’t deserve kindness” occasionally? Because if you have a core belief that says “I’m not worthy of, or don’t deserve, kindness”, being receptive to kindness is going to challenge that core belief in a big and very uncomfortable way.

Thing is, it’s quite possible that he’s doing these things for you because he’s just like that. Because he treats people with kindness, and that now includes you. As uncomfortable and dubious as that might feel? What would happen if you allowed yourself to receive that kindness? What would happen if, next time he offers you a cuppa tea, you said something like “Thank you, that’s really nice of you”...?

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I do this sorta, more in a teasing way... but it makes sense... sometimes when things are too good, we get spooked and try to protect ourselves somehow.

I think it's neat you get to text in session.... and that he has tea. Mine makes cocoa sometimes, its very nice.

I do think you should talk about it, or text about it, and get it out there, good luck

 

[UnicornSightings]

I do this sorta, more in a teasing way... but it makes sense... sometimes when things are too good,...

Yeah, I do it in a joking way but I keep doing it. I asked a friend what she would do and she said to just let it go (although I didn’t tell her it was about my therapist). If there’s a silent moment I prob will share since it will be on my mind. Plus I’ll be drinking tea and it’ll be tough to forget. Yeah. He is on board with whatever I want to try. I really like him which kinda sucks. And his sessions are 60 min long, isn’t that crazy? I love that!

It’s kind of nice to be able to be receptive when someone is doing something nice for us, yeah...

Thank you for all the stuff you said! So first off, yeah I totally tell him things I appreciate about him and he knows I like the tea. I just seem to add random critical comments, like they slip out, jokingly but they’re adding up.

I don’t think I DON’T deserve kindness so much as it’s unexpected. I don’t expect people to be kind, I expect them always to be really mean and selfish. My last t brought in a notebook. It was maybe 6 sessions before our last one. Because I mentioned I wanted to write in session. I didn’t understand. Brain seriously could not compute this. I didn’t get that it was for me. First I was insulted. Did she think I was incapable of remembering to bring my own notebook?!!! It was cool with a matching pen. It was always there. Surely it wasn’t for me. It was too nice. And there was a water bottle pushed near my chair. Surely she didn’t do that for me? Except now I think maybe she did. I never used that notebook but the last day I got the nerve up to ask if u could have it. It’s in my glove box and holds a lot of value. So I guess that might explain it?

And we are getting a bit away from the surface stuff and I’m scared to go deeper so maybe I am trying to push him away a bit. At any rate, I’m gonna do this. Whatever comes up, we’re gonna face it, maybe slowly but whatever.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Yeah, I do it in a joking way but I keep doing it. I asked a friend what she would do and she...

Mine are 60 as well, which is great. I feel for people who have less... and at times I've gone over... which is even better. I hope tomorrow goes well... your T sounds a lot like mine in the willing to try a lot of things area...

 

[UnicornSightings]

Mine are 60 as well, which is great. I feel for people who have less... and at times I've gone over....

Thank you!!! Yeah, it’s so rare! I’m really glad I gave him a shot. I’ll be sure to report back cause it’s fun to talk about therapy here lol

 

[Stephernovas]

I'd be curious to know the attachment you've had with your other therapist. I've had my old personal trainer who I adored, and when I had to get a new one (in my head) nothing would ever be good enough or the same. i was always perturbed when the new PT asked a question that the other PT was only allowed to ask me. Or when I was in a mood and she tries to poke at me to get me out of it. My old PT knew how to handle it, and I was shutting this PT down. But, I realized this is my issue, not hers. I can't behave like that towards her because there is nothing that she has done wrong to deserve me treating her in that manner. Sure, its different, but nothing about this situation that I was in was her fault. I can't lie, there's somedays where I still have choke back my sassy remarks and remember just because it's different, it doesn't mean it's bad or not as good. #attachmentissues