Relationship Having a bad day

[Deleted member 44240]

I’ve done the same mistake so many times and I’m beating myself up about it,but it’s n...

Please take @leehalf, advice. You really have to calm down. Believe me, I understand what you’re going through. My ex hasn’t had a real conversation with me in five months. I email, text, and sometimes call; he basically ignores. He will respond if it’s something that’s business related, or if I show kindness. Like you, I was frantic in the beginning and I wasn't sure of what to do or expect. I’m now more aware of what I’m dealing with and I’ve decided to back off some. Its hard as hell to not have clear answers to what was so easy in the beginning. Just give him time and try not to show the same frantic emotions as before; I think this could be very scary and concerning for them. Be as positive as possible and stay calm.

 

[TwilightDream]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD , good morning,

Yikes, when I read your feelings it's like a blast from my past. I so get it. It took me so long to sort through it. I wanted to validate your feelings for a second. When you love someone, and you're used to things being one way, and it abruptly changes, you do what's natural to you. You hang on. It's almost like we're going through the 5 stages of grief. If you haven't watched the 18 part video series on this forum, please do. It's one of the first things I did, when researching this. It has one part that talks about the grief. We are grieving the loss of who they were, of what our relationship was. And we have to process that.

With that being said. He can't. He can't, he can't, he can't. If he could... he would. It took me months to adjust to that concept.

I love incredibly hard, and I see that you do as well. I don't feel like my emotions were "wrong". But I have come to see, that when PTSD is raging, they are wrong for that situation. When I first started therapy, I asked my ex SO from her perspective, what does she think I need to work on. Simple one word reply... emotions. And strangely enough, my reply to her would of been the same. I wanted her to have more emotions, and she wanted me to have less.

I think I've just worked through something, as I've written this. We as supporters beat ourselves up so much. Everything feels like it's all our fault. And maybe that's what our partner is telling us. But I suppose when you really step back and look at it, there should be room for growth, trial and error, on both parts. Just as we are learning to grant them the space they need, while they navigate their own situation, we give them passes. I feel like it takes us time as well, and many errors in judgement will happen as we learn. We should be afforded those errors as well.

In these situations, I can't suggest strongly enough, your own therapy, and DBT. It helps immensely, with the idea of "focusing on ourselves". Your baby needs time to focus on himself. Now you do too. Things may not turn out as you hoped and imagined it would. But you have to be ok, you HAVE TOO.

In the words of my uncle who is now passed, "Who's important"? In his thick Boston accent, when I was a messed up youth, he always asked me that. And he asked me that until his last day. And he wouldn't stop asking, until I said, "I am".

 

[Hojay]

@TwilightDream Your last paragraph made me cry. And I’m standing in a full tram. Thank you. All of the above, so true.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

It’s extremely hard when the person who you love and loveD you for years can now look straight at you and say ‘I don’t feel anything for anyone. I’m numb. I don’t love anyone. I don’t know when I will fall in Love next time. I hope it’s with you again but I can’t guarantee anything. I have told you, I have issues. I’m trying to work through them but you are overwhelming me with your own feelings’

Dagger in my heart. I’m burying my relationship and I don’t know if I’ll ever dig it up again.

I want to start therapy, what do I say? ‘I need to learn how to control my feelings’ are there any good books about relationships and PTSD that are useful? Or other sources?

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I’ll write more later. Feel tired and quite heartbroken.

 

[LuckiLee]

Watch the videos and read the articles Anthony has so graciously shared with us.

Your guy is doing all the right things! He DOES have to put himself FIRST!!! Therapy is brutal. And in sorry to say, you're making it worse for him.

Also read over all if the comments in your previous posts. You haven't followed anyone's advice.

Put yourself in his shoes.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

leehalf,

I’m not a selfish person. I’ve taken his PTSD on my. I referred him to counseling. It’s not fair to say I haven’t taken on anyone’s advice because I have. I am majority of the time really calm and understanding. I’m his first point of contact when he is in panic. I calm him down. I even listen to his doubts about me and him without reacting.

Sometimes yes I DO react and I do admitt I make it worse. This isn’t easy on me either. He comes and goes. Breaks up with me and two days after asks me for date night. It’s confusing. I’ll seek help and work on ME. Even though I’ve never been to a therapist before so don’t even know what I would say.

Yepp he’s doing great and the right things which I’m happy about. I’m just scared. That’s all I can say

 

[Snowflakes]

are there any good books about relationships and PTSD that are useful? Or other sources?

I have found “Ambiguous Loss” by Pauline Boss helpful. In a very real sense PTSD has robbed both of you of what you had. Your struggle today is trying to fix what you have lost and/or understand what you have lost. You are hounding your boyfriend for the answer. He cannot answer because he may not know the answer. He is trying himself to find the answer. Like him, you have to look within for your answers. In therapy, you start by asking the same questions you have asked here. You may find the therapist answers similar to ours. Why? Because we are only repeating what our therapists have told us.

The book I recommended has to deal with loss without knowing the answer why. A lot has to do with the loss by death but, in a very real sense, there is not much difference between a physical or an emotional death when the heart is grieving.

Take care of you.

 

[Snowflakes]

’m trying to work through them but you are overwhelming me with your own feelings’

I say this to you with respect and empathy, not to be mean spirited. If you truly and honestly love this man, you will honor his request to you.

If you don’t, @leehalf is right....you will lose him for sure by your own actions.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I know i am making him worse at times. The uncertainty is hard for me. And him pulling and pushing is hard, being hot and cold.

I write here on my bad days mostly. He’s had PTSD for over a year and I know that even though I’ve not been the perfect partner, I have been a darn good one. I have been extremely patient. It’s when I don’t know where him and I stand, I get upset and I myself panic as well.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Also a lot of my emotions come from the fact that: I don’t feel like I am good enough.

I feel like he doesn’t love me because I AM THE PROBLEM.

 

[Buttercup]

Also a lot of my emotions come from the fact that: I don’t feel like I am good enough.

I...

This is the really hard part. You see it all over here. Don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's them. So hard to put into practice, though!! Can really give your self esteem and self confidence a kick in the gut and bring on those feelings of anxiety. I get it!

You can do this. I encourage meditation and deep breaths.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I constantly feel like, what happened here? He said he loved me nd would stop, he constantly reminded me of his love, he reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. I’m always questioning where we went wrong. How can I not take it personally when I was told that the break up was due to me. Is that personal or not?
I’ve been a supporter for almost a year with five months of that year being involved romantically. I NEVER anticipated the end of my relationship or friendship. It’s been HELL! I know he can’t help what’s wrong and what’s happened to him, but it’s also caused harm to me (indirectly).
Needless to say, either ptsd has caused him to behave in a not so nice manner, or he was/is a jerk I never saw coming. Either way, it’s hard not to take it personal or to feel screwed.