Over-connecting with people i hardly know, then hiding

[Treaty]

Maybe this is a relationship issue. It feels like dysregulation, because I’m not controlling...

I can really relate to this. I’m extremely socially anxious but I used to almost be too outgoing with strangers. Like exhuburant. And talk a lot and connect and then have to hide from them forever. It’s really unfortunate I figured out the reason I do this is avoidance issues. I basically feel more stressed around aquaintances than I do new people. That’s avoidance. It’s because the more familiarity I have with people the more I have to worry about how they see me. Also I can never be the outgoing me again after that because I have to much weighing on it.

In a lot of ways avoidance is just a maladaptive technique to cope with anxiety. It took me a long time to realize I have very serious avoidance issues and I wish I would have caught it earlier before it became a reinforced pattern.

It’s so great you are pushing forward and not giving up. I never realized how common it is that people doubt themselves in social situations. I’m gobsmacked sometimes by the people who confess this since to the outside world they seem great. So you’re probably doing better socially then you think.

 

[Rose White]

@Treaty this is an accurate description and helps very much to label it that way. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I struggle with this as well and feel I've earned the title "Empress of Hiding" (which is, yes, avoidance) so I can relate:

To be clear, I am reaching out and doing something that feels like connecting but then I often hide afterward...I think I need to connect with myself more though before I can develop my connections with others. I’m realizing that I can’t bring much to the table when I’m locked in a power struggle with my inner critic.

For me this is the foundation, and a realization I've come to again and again (and again). I will even go so far as to realize that I'm locked in with my inner terrorist and then relentlessly judge the fact along the lines of I can't believe I'm back here!!

Thank you for posting and for the reminder that connecting with others is a work in progress, I find your words inspiring:

Perspective. Patience. Practice.

 

[Treaty]

@Treaty this is an accurate description and helps very much to label it that...

In the end

@Treaty this is an accurate description and helps very much to label it that...

have you ever read the dsm for avoidance issues? Just wondering because the first time I read it I cried. It’s such a sad thing sometimes. I really have a problem maintaining connections. But i did push in my life at times to be social and I’m thankful for every experience I got to have. At the end of my life. But still I have very little friendships currently. And I feel like I shouldn’t even try if I’m not able to maintain them in the end. I guess my point is just that you’ll be thankful for everything you push to have. Even just experiences. So you have to keep trying.

 

[Rose White]

And I feel like I shouldn’t even try if I’m not able to maintain them in the end.

Wow, me too big time! I have a sense like, “Don’t let me waste your time.” So I’m trying to just focus on interactions instead of whole friendships, and every now and then if I feel moved to reach out I will do it, but it is a big deal and scary. Yeah, pushing ourselves is hard, and being gentle on ourselves when we make social mistakes is hard.

@ShikibuZ thank you so much for your affirmation! :hug: And what you said about criticizing yourself for criticizing yourself is spot on—the dreaded shame spiral! I like how you are able to identify when you feel that way so that you can put some space between you and the thought or feeling.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

Wow, me too big time!

Me too!!

And thanks @Searching4Self. It is oddly helpful to know others experience this.