Relationship Having a bad day

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.
Thanks for the replies and sharing experiences.
Freida, EMDR seems effective from your description. I guess the pain is worth the end result? I know my sufferer has a very hard time disconnecting his emotions when talking about his trauma, and it’s mainly something he’d want help with. He doesn’t actually believe he will stop feeling anything when it comes to his trauma, he thinks it’ll always be emotional for him. His therapist explains that he will in the end be able to think about it without any emotions connected to it.

I just got home after seeing him. Snowflakes, I think not being intrusive is the way. I didn’t ask my sufferer anything. But one good thing is that he wants to share. He’s a very vocal person anyway. So he told me a little about his session and a lot how he felt. I feel really proud of how well he did today. He had to relive his experiences and he wasn’t ‘as bad’ as I expected. Not sure what I was really expecting but he seemed ok. I reassured him that he is doing great and that he will get through this just fine.

Towards the end he said ‘I wanna be happy in life. I want to be happy in my job, I want to be happy with my finances, I want to be happy with my friends. I want to be in a happy relationship where I feel love for a woman and she loves me back’

Truthfully that really hurt. Sometimes he says these things without thinking about who I really am in this situation... it hurt. Maybe it wasn’t personal and just a general statement. It made me upset but!! I didn’t react. I kept calm and listened closely to him.

Do you guys think that statement was a little unfair towards me?

 

[Louski]

Towards the end he said ‘I wanna be happy in life. I want to be happy in my job, I want to be happy with my finances, I want to be happy with my friends. I want to be in a happy relationship where I feel love for a woman and she loves me back’

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD have you thought maybe he actually meant with you? To me that is what it sounds like. It seems very hopeful to me. That he has to get out the other side of this to be happy?

I could be wrong but that is how I read it. Sometimes people’s words don’t come out in the way they mean them to And because of course you were being very strong and good about not asking anything or emotionally feeding the situation that statement wasn’t clarified and it left you feeling bad.

It’s totally understandable, but I don’t think he meant it like he wanted to be with someone else...just my two cents and I might be wrong but that’s how it read to me x

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Louski. Thank you xx
He has said on a few occasions, ‘I want it to be you IF I felt that way again’

So yeah he could have meant me, or maybe he didnt.

It did hurt me at the moment but I’m happy I didn’t react and stress him or me out.

It’a great how controlling your emotions could save you from a lot of grief and stress!

 

[Louski]

Louski. Thank you xx
He has said on a few occasions, ‘I want it to be you IF I felt that w...

I completely agree. It is amazing how the control of emotions helps so much. My fiance is isolating at the moment (has been for 5 weeks now) but when we are together he finds it incredibly difficult to deal with me crying or getting emotional. It just renders him helpless so he reacts really badly to it. This is so frustrating for me, because I am a pretty emotional person and sometimes I cry, but it is very much a stress reliever for me and I am completely a bounce back kind of person and get over things quite quickly.

So trying to be less emotive with him is a lesson I want to put into practice.

When he was in the warzone and our lives were so fraught with danger, worry, there was no end to the stress and I was just so highly strung, emotional. We made it through and I think looking back the idea of the everyday and living in the same country without these pressures has just overwhelmed him and the stress cup fully ran over.

I have found through this isolation period I am learning a huge amount about myself and how by remaining calm and not questioning it or asking loads of loaded questions or getting panicky or upset that it is me and that he wants to leave all the time (he has never indicated he wants to break up), but rather just texting simple things that don't require effort from him. Even though I am not getting much of a response (he is texting me back most days and letting me know he is ok) by keeping the texts light and positive it seems to be helping ME get through this. I know I am not adding to his stress cup so hopefully when the fog lifts we will be able to have a calm conversation about how to do it better next time.

My therapist has been really pushing for me to be all about me at this time and that is helping and hindering. I think my advice to you right now would be to put yourself first. Be kind to you @BoyfriendqwithPTSD. Give yourself treats, do some yoga (it is the BEST), have a bath and try and see some friends, especially ones who don't ask a load of questions or try to make you talk about what is going on with your relationship. All this helps me stay calm and able to remain hopeful and positive.

I have thrown myself head first into my work and I am very busy and challenged at the moment which is helpful. If you are happy with your life and with what you are doing it will make it so much easier to deal with what is swirling around you and what is going on with him.

I think we may have similar styles of partner. Mine is a big communicator as well so maybe we can help eachother xx

 

[Deanna]

To the OP..Is he taking medication?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I’ll give a offer reply later but no he’s not taking medications

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

He’s having a bad today.

He’s telling me ‘if you want to move on you can. I don’t want to hold you back. I care about you too much to see you hurt. If this is too hard for you then I understand. I don’t love anyone right now, and I don’t know when I will. My feelings are dead and I don’t know what will happen in the future. I’m not telling you what to do, it’s your choice’

This was completely out of the blue by the way, we weren’t even talking about us. He just decided to text me that. Is he saying all this because he had that session yesterday? He told me he feels really awful after it.

Am I naive to think, beyond all this... he loves me? He just doesn’t feel it right now. But it’s there....? :(

 

[Deleted member 44240]

He’s having a bad today.

He’s telling me ‘if you want to move on you can. I don’t...

IMO I’m finding it hard to accept that when a sufferer tells you something like this, they would want to continue working things out. Someone told me that they feel sufferers know exactly what they’re saying when they say it. My ex (sufferer) gave me a really loving hug and kiss right before he left me; that’s how I know he knew what he was doing. Now, I’m not sure if he knew he wasn’t feeling well, but he preplanned what he was about to do. I no longer believe he’s working on himself or feeling bad about anything, I believe he’s done just what he wanted to do because he doesn’t care to even try and maintain a friendship. His actions are telling me to move on.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

BJ I’ve read some of your threads and feel really bad for you.
I hope you get through everything and things get better for you.

I don’t know if my sufferer truly means what he is saying right now. He’s said this before. It’s so up and down between us, one day he feels something and the next he doesn’t. I don’t blame him though.

It’s never easy.

 

[Buttercup]

‘if you want to move on you can. I don’t want to hold you back. I care about you too much to see you hurt. If this is too hard for you then I understand. I don’t love anyone right now, and I don’t know when I will. My feelings are dead and I don’t know what will happen in the future. I’m not telling you what to do, it’s your choice’

He sounds very clear to me here. He cares for you deeply and doesn't want you to hurt because of him. He doesn't want you to move on, but he understands if you need to for yourself. I think he would appreciate it very much if you remain a supporter without pressuring him for more than he can do. Which is only dealing with himself now. Cane you do that? It's up to you.

Also, I think you need to make that decision on your own. Without asking him a bunch of questions like, when will be be ready for more. You can come here and talk to your therapist, but he won't be able to help you much in making that decision.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Buttercup, thanks for your response.
I’ve stopped asking questions. I’m letting him get through this in his own pace.

I want to remain in his life, I wish it can work in the future. I’m due to talk to a therapist and o find this forum really helpful.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even have HOPE that it can work for US in the future. I feel like in his mind, it’s done. But then again this has happened before. Also.. he is having a particularly bad day today...

 

[Hojay]

‘if you want to move on you can. I don’t want to hold you back. I care about you too much to see you hurt. If this is too hard for you then I understand. I don’t love anyone right now, and I don’t know when I will. My feelings are dead and I don’t know what will happen in the future. I’m not telling you what to do, it’s your choice’

I think this is a very kind, honest, and caring thing to say, in my opinion. He knows this is hurting you, he's thinking about it, and he doesn't want to hold you back or pressure you into waiting around. To be honest, I think that's what most, less evolved people would do. They would string someone along by telling them to just wait it out, so that they can be the one to end the relationship, not the other way around.

He's doing the opposite. He's being very clear and very honest and he's giving you a choice. From what it sounds like to me, he doesn't want it to be over (correct me if I'm wrong,) but he also knows that was he has to offer may not be enough for you. He wants you to make the right choice for YOU. But for him as well, as he knows that he can't be in a relationship with someone who will keep pressuring him for more.

So really, it's very much up to you now. Can you stay in a relationship with him, knowing he feels numb toward you and everything else? Can you do that and leave him be, accept it, and grow from it? It would require a lot of standing on your own two feet, letting go of the relationship you once had, patience, education, boundaries, and uncertainty.

Or it could be too much to bare, which would be ok too. Either way, you have to be very honest with yourself but what you can and cannot do. But it's up to you, as he says.