Relationship Having a bad day

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hoojay. That was an excellent reply.

I want to be there for him. I know I CAN, I can be patient, I can let him go through this at his own time. I can stand on my own feet. I can focus on myself.

I don’t believe love is smooth sailings. On the contrary, I believe the realest Love is standing besides eachother, unselfishly when things go so utterly wrong.

I admire his honesty and the way he communicates with me. I feel truly lucky to be with someone who know what they are feeling and can happily talk to me about it.

I want him to hope though, hope that it will become better between us. I’m not saying that this should be his main priority because his health is his main priority. Getting himself back is his main priority. But I’d like him to (at the times he’d think about us) even have the smallest thought of ’I want it to work with us’

At the same time, I don’t know how PTSD works and if he is even capable of thinking that right now..

 

[Hojay]

I don’t believe love is smooth sailings. On the contrary, I believe the realest Love is standing besides eachother, unselfishly when things go so utterly wrong.

I agree with you wholeheartedly here. I have to add though that there is a difference between standing by someone unselfishly through rough times and the slippery slope of unconditional love, which I think is just another word for having no boundaries. But other than that, I think if you focus on yourself, differentiate yourself and keep your own mental hygiene, supporting within a relationship can be very possible. Just knowing your limits and not forgetting about yourself is extremely important.

And with that you would be ranking in with the rest of us supporters on here: boundaries, finding the right balance between your own needs and theirs, learning communication skills, self-soothing, emotional regulation. Fun stuff (no really, it's not. But so important in terms of our own growth as human beings as well.)

I admire his honesty and the way he communicates with me. I feel truly lucky to be with someone who know what they are feeling and can happily talk to me about it.

I do too!

But I’d like him to (at the times he’d think about us) even have the smallest thought of ’I want it to work with us’

Well, that's the tricky part, because I understand your needs here, but it's also clear he has limitations in expressing that to you. Either because he doesn't feel it, or because he doesn't know if he'll feel it tomorrow. That's the nature of many mental illnesses, from PTSD to depression, hopelessness. But, in my opinion, if he didn't have some lingering hope you two could get through this together, he'd have made a clean break. It also sounds like his "hope" is very much contingent on how you handle this for yourself and how a relationship could be structured in which both of you are ok.

At the same time, I don’t know how PTSD works and if he is even capable of thinking that right now..

I can only speak from my own experience with my sufferer. When he's symptomatic, there's a certain amount of hopelessness that goes with it. So really, other than managing his flashbacks and panic attacks, I don't think he's thinking about anything other than how hopeless a case he is and how to not jump out the window. I think intellectually he knows that it will pass, but emotionally, he doesn't. It feels like it will last forever. The way I manage those moments (and they hurt, I know they do,) is to have the hope for him (even if I don't feel it either at the time.) I tell him it will be ok. He needs me to tell him that more than the other way around.

 

[Buttercup]

is to have the hope for him (even if I don't feel it either at the time.) I tell him it will be ok. He needs me to tell him that more than the other way around.

Live this @Hojay

 

[Buttercup]

Live this @Hojay

Sorry, meant to say that I love that. But living it is good too! :p

 

[Hojay]

Hehe...I got you @Buttercup. Living it is even better :)

 

[Deanna]

I want to be in a happy relationship where I feel love for a woman and she loves me back

See, he said this before. Which is the opposite.Now he's saying something different. I have PTSD and he's on a rollercoaster. I think he is going to need meds before he drive everyone else around him insane. The hard thing I have yet to understand from you is- have you put up with this, for seven years? When did he start getting really confused like this? No way, he just started this within two weeks. This has happened before. Right?

Now, bear with me..I am new too- but I'm trying to follow your postings.

 

[TwilightDream]

He’s telling me ‘if you want to move on you can. I don’t want to hold you back. I care about you too much to see you hurt. If this is too hard for you then I understand. I don’t love anyone right now, and I don’t know when I will. My feelings are dead and I don’t know what will happen in the future. I’m not telling you what to do, it’s your choice’

Hello there my emotional twin. I was given the option of moving on if I needed to protect myself very soon after my ex SO's diagnosis. I chose to stay. Although things ended up the way they did, I do not regret one decision that I've made.

Because:

On the contrary, I believe the realest Love is standing besides eachother, unselfishly when things go so utterly wrong.

But then again:

there is a difference between standing by someone unselfishly through rough times and the slippery slope of unconditional love

Well, as I continue to reflect, I'm glad that I had the time that I did with my ex. I know that many of my postings are about the agony I have gone through when she was at her worst. But there was a time... that things were different. She represented something beautiful in my life. She was kind, supportive, and of extremely strong character. I had an incredible connection with her. Stronger than I think I'd had with anyone else. What has happened at our ending, does not erase those things. Don't get me wrong, I hate how things turned out. I really do. But I do not regret the decision to stick with her for the very longest I could. I think I stayed true to my own character. And I can walk away, with that intact.

In your situation, I so know what you mean. About how hard it is to deal with the emotional numbness. But IMO, if he is willing, and you are too, you guys may be able to find your formula. It's worth a shot. Even if it doesn't work out. Because the type of person you seem to be, I think you would regret not giving it your very best shot. I think what your guy said to you was very honest, and very self aware. For just beginning therapy, I think he's somewhat ahead of the game.

Continue on your road to self discovery and healing. Even if you don't fit with your first therapist, you can always try a different one. I had to try again before I found the right fit. And again, not to repeat myself or sound like I'm the spokesperson for DBT, but for folks dealing with strong emotions, staying in the moment (not fretting and panicking over the possible future) and distress intolerance, it's been extremely helpful for me.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

See, he said this before. Which is the opposite.Now he's saying something different. I have PTSD a...

No, these thoughts started after PTSD.
And mostly in the past few months. I wouldn’t put up with this for 7 years.
We had a well functioning relationship for the rest of the time.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi TwilightDream
Thanks for the lovely response.

Just to let everyone know, I do acknowledge and appreciate every single reply on my threads. You guys are all beautiful people. I’ve got a pretty hectic work schedule so sometimes I may not directly reply to the individual or not write a long reply as I’m mostly running around.

Anyway.
TwilightDream, you seem so kind and caring. There’s definitely a different between Love = standing by your partners hard times, being supportive and caring and Love= caring solely for him/her, not taking care of your self and emotions/needs/well-being.
Luckily, between him and I it’s always been the first. We’ve stood by eachother through each of our hard times and loving and caring partners. And I would like to continue to do so. As you mentioned, I think it is worth it. I also think that if I didn’t, then I’d regret it. He is my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine how life would be without it. It’s like trying to imagine how life would be without a family member. I wouldn’t want that.

I am happy to go through this with him, if he would let me. At the same time, each day I’m learning to keep a healthy balance between him and I, and not let my emotions/worries get the best of me. I’ve promised myself not to pressure him or ask questions that could ’overfill his stresscup’

I have faith in this and I’m working on myself daily. This week alone I’ve had ample situations where I could have blown up in emotions and made life hard for him but I refrained. Everyday is different right now, and that’s okay. I’m a strong woman deep down and I know I can do this and I’ve got faith and hope it goes well.

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD is basically a symptom cluster... all that GAD he had was probably PTSD if he was post Crit A trauma. Symptom severity can vary. Sometimes he may do OK, and then other times he may be very bad off.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Sweetpea76 can you explain this again please? Sorry English isn’t my first language so didn’t quite understand.
Also, he had GAD before his traumatic event happened (which led to his PTSD diagnosis)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Basically PTSD is going to give him anxiety and panic attacks too, just like GAD. There are a wide variety of symptoms that come with PTSD. PTSD sufferers can have depression, dysregulation, etc. There is a lot of misdiagnosis because of this. He could have had PTSD symptoms ever since his Crit A. trauma. I wouldn't try and separate everything into prediagnosis and post diagnosis, or even GAD vs. PTSD.

PTSD can be very cyclical. Symptom severity can change over time. He may have periods where he is feeling better and functioning well, other times it may cripple him. Some people have mild PTSD, some people have severve PTSD. Some people can mangage symptoms with time and treatment. It's all very individual.