Relationship Need advice for my husband

[Scarlet13]

So, I am reaching out to the supporters on here in order to get advice or insights to potentially give to my husband and to use in therapy.

I have CPTSD, he has minor depression and self worth issues. We are just starting marriage therapy. We are working together on skills we can use right now. (I also have a trauma T).

We have been talking lately about how he is all about comforting others at all costs. He was raised this way, as the most important thing always is to make sure everyone is comfortable around him.

So, he is almost afraid of discomfort, in him self, in me. His response to discomfort is to make it go away. So, you can see how this is a problem. I am nearly in a constant state of discomfort from my CPTSD. So, he will go to extremes making sure I feel comfort, even lying to me about stressful events.

I manage my symptoms, but the problem is that the way I manage them is through acceptance and mindfulness. So the discomfort is there, I am just tolerating it. I cannot take meds at all.

Perhaps, I need to be more obvious that I am using skills and self care. Perhaps I should not seek comfort from him at all or maybe way less. I don't know. But he reacts to my discomfort with auto pilot reactions that are not healthy like lies which erode the intimacy and trust in our marriage. He reacts to discomfort in himself with avoidance, procrastination, and denial.

How can we problem solve the difficulty of having a spouse who is always in pain in more healthy ways? This is difficult because he does not want me to be in pain. It is also difficult because my anxiety and sadness triggers these emotions in him.
He will be starting his own therapy soon after marriage therapy, but what can we do in the mean time?

Can any one relate to this situation?
Thanks!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think you're on the right track with not seeking comfort from him... even if it's just for now. He obviously can't handle it in a healthy way, so maybe minimizing it will give him a breather to reset.

 

[LuckiLee]

The book "The PTSD relationship" might be a good place to start.

 

[Scarlet13]

I think you're on the right track with not seeking comfort from him... even if it's just for now. He...

Is it bad to seek comfort from a spouse?
I honestly don't know.
Would this be ok if he could handle it in healthy ways?
Should I just always try to only help myself (not ever asking him for help)?
I thought this was ok as my T encouraged me to do it as he is a "safe" person.

 

[Abstract]

What about setting boundaries for him around your pain and discomfort. If you see this then this is what you should do, this and this is what you shouldn't do. You won't see it but I will be doing a b c and d for this. If you this then this.... etc I have a right to experience/express this and this without you trying to fix it.

There will be a part of him that also wants to escape these patterns.

Asking for help from trusted people and giving it in return is a normal healthy relationship dynamic.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's absolutely fine to seek comfort from a spouse. I'd comfort my vet all day long if he was up for it. I'd just say with him, if he can't do it in a healthy way it may not be the best thing for either of you right now. Like you said, he's got that compulsion to lie and people please at all costs. That seems like it could cause more harm than good down the road. Especially if it effects trust.

 

[LuckiLee]

You should be able to rely on your spouse for comfort. But that's only if they have the tools to do so. Sounds like he needs a little education about PTSD and symptoms. Counseling should help with that.

 

[scout86]

he is all about comforting others at all costs. He was raised this way,

Do you know what happened if he failed at that?

I grew up in a situation where "fixing things" was part of my "job" within the family system. It was a bit more complicated than that, but I can relate to a sort of panicked "I'm not getting this right, OH NO!" feeling that goes with failure to fix someone's feelings for them. What I find helpful is knowing that it's ok to screw up, that things aren't going to go down that same old, bad, road, no matter what. (A pretty rare thing, really, but that's another issue.) My T tears up now and then and it totally freaked me out, at first. But he keeps saying he just does that, it's ok, don't worry about it, he's fine..... Nothing bad has happened, so I'm starting to think he might be telling the truth. Which is actually helping me rethink the whole "panic because someone is upset" thing.

Your husband might find it pretty valuable to learn that, sometimes, people can be upset, or uncomfortable, and it's not the end of the world. It takes some time to make that big a change in your world view, though. It's probably not going to be any easier for him than it would be for you, to "just quit" being bothered by your triggers. Maybe it's not as big a deal for him as it is for me. That would be good, because dealing with it should be easier.

 

[Scarlet13]

If he failed at bringing comfort to others or to me then he feels the pain too or he feels 'bad'. These are his words, I just asked him.
He also has mentioned often how he does not want to get into trouble or feel responsible for some how causing me to be upset.

 

[scout86]

He also has mentioned often how he does not want to get into trouble or feel responsible for some how causing me to be upset.

That was my childhood. I only felt anyone else's pain because my mother made darn SURE I did. LOL But, I'm kind of challenged in the empathy department. I hadn't really thought about it, but it would be awful to feel responsible for someone else's feelings AND have empathy for those feelings. :wideeyed:

I'm not sure where your husband got this from, but he kind of needs to learn that YOU are not that person. That YOU will handle your own feelings and not make him pay for it.

Another, maybe unrelated, thought. I had a good friend whose wife liked to play what I call "The Victim Game". When something went wrong, rather than claiming any responsibility, she would start running herself down. I knew that game well. The job of the other player is to assure Person 1 that they are NOT a miserable excuse for a human and what ever happened wasn't really their fault (even if it was.) So, his wife had done something kind of dumb and lost their savings to a con artist. We were having a "family meeting" at their place, trying to come up with a strategy to recover the money. She started in with the role of Person 1. I sat back in my chair, waiting to watch the game play out. (And kind of dreading it.) HE looked her right in the eyes and said, "Don't go there with me." He wasn't mad, but clearly they'd had this conversation before, and he wasn't playing. She quit. We went on with problem solving. That totally blew my mind! It had never occurred to me that a person could just refuse to play the game. Turns out, you can refuse to play any game you want. Who knew? I'm guessing your husband doesn't know either. I hope he can figure it out, I think you'll BOTH be a lot better off.

 

[EveHarrington]

He needs to manage his own feelings just as you are learning to manage yours.

Right now you’re in this back and forth “he is trying to manage my feelings so now I must manage his feelings about managing my feelings”.

No!

You do you.

He does himself.

You trying to manage his feelings about him trying to manage yours just gets you both in deeper.

This isn’t your battle to fight.

Just as those of us with ptsd must learn to manage our own emotions, he must learn how to manage his. He must learn how to sit with discomfort all in his own, because guess what? As soon as anyone else tries to help him sit with that discomfort, he is no longer learning how to manage feelings on his own. Yes he needs to learn coping skills, but that’s not your job either.