Guilt of sharing issues

[alienplantnapper]

I feel so f*cked up, lost and desperate nearly every day im having some sort of little breakdown and trying to keep it from being another big one.
Probably every couple of days i reach out to my s/o..i feel bad every time for dragging him into this..i don't talk about why I'm here just how i feel about it in the moment..i try not to say too much. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I don't want to burden him or make him sad or eventually annoyed.i don't really talk much to anyone else. My therapy is a joke and im hardly seen.
My person is sweet and supportive..but i feel like he shouldnt be dealing with my issues..i just don't know where else to take myself.
I should mention that i was fine when i first started seeing him ..i just feel apart out of nowhere a few months ago over a trigger after being fine for yrs.
I can't keep bringing my crazy to him.
But when im in a sudden storm i dunno what to do.
I want to go..but theres nowhere to go.
Im not exactly new to ptsd. But i am new to the way it got me this time.

 

[Supervixn]

Well.... why not reach out to us here on the forum? We understand!

So you know, I'm in a similar place as well and am learning to share respectfully. No other support either besides my therapist. I understand your feelings.

You relationship will inevitably be affected by your PTSD. It's impossible to keep your disorder locked away. Not sharing the vulnerable part of yourself will create a distance between you two. I get it though. I reccommend just learning to sit with your emotions, utilize good coping methods, while knowing the feelings are bound to pass.

What are you fearing or protecting yourself from? Just wondering where your belief is stemming from is all. Idk how long you've been together or if you're at that stage of personal honesty/mutual sharing yet.

 

[blackemerald1]

Can you fix up the therapy side of this situation? If it's a joke it's not working for you. Find a therapy & start working on that. Your SO isn't your therapist & whilst they may be supportive which is good please get professional support too.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I remember feeling like my husband wasn't being as emotionally supportive as I needed him to be when I was going through some of the worst feelings and re-living so much of what took me down from my past, but at the time, I couldn't innerstand that he simply isn't equipped to deal with some of the deep shit I had lived through, and he had no healthful/helpful reference to pull from when I'd desperately seek his support, as it was all new to him, and pretty damn scary at times based on my behaviors/thoughts.

It created a very uncomfortable space where he was fearful of saying/doing the wrong thing all the time, and I was fearful of sharing too much that would overwhelm him, so I kept much of it suppressed, still, which only caused the issues to arise via other means, steadily popping up with new symptoms and ills that took even more of my energies to try to figure out and deal with. I repeatedly and painfully learned what I didn't address would always be there in some form.

It took me a while to figure out that's not his role to be able to fully support every single thing about my life, nor should I expect it to be. Then I learned of a valuable resource called The Five Love Languages that helped me big time in figuring out how to best communicate my needs while also better understanding his, as well as Non-Violent Communication. Both were books recommended by friends.

I'm also very fortunate to have a domestic/sexual abuse shelter in the area that offers free counseling to anyone who has experienced either for as long or as often as they feel they need it. I finally found them after being misdiagnosed and mistreated via insurance-approved methods for quite some time. That's where I take the deeper things/mind struggles/emotional overwhelm in order to honor them for what they are with someone who truly "gets it", who has been trained professionally to help, who can see things from a much broader perspective, and who can much more healthily help me find my way through whatever current obstacle I face.

Along with a few other healers I've met along the way who have become great sounding boards/listeners/huggers/brainstormers/whatever is needed in the moment, and they're willing to barter so I don't have to struggle with figuring out how to pay for services all the time, thank goodness. Otherwise, I leave myself open for more disappointment and potential resentment by assigning others with expectations of helping me meet my needs they can never fully meet to the degree I need them met.

In between my sessions with any of the above, I practice breathing techniques, spend as much time with nature as possible, move on purpose in a fun way each day, prepare foods/beverages/use and create products that actually nourish my being and don't cause further harm, learn more about how my body actually functions, do some primal screaming into my pillow, in the car, in the woods when necessary, soak in hot epsom salt baths, write down what bothers me the most and burn it safely in the fire pit, fireplace, or a fire-safe bowl, come here and read and interact, listen to music and dance like a fool, and continue to learn more ways to ground myself in the moments that feel like they're gonna take me under, yet again.

I also don't have a f/t job to tend to (thanks to my health declining so rapidly and drastically), don't have kids to try to raise and keep up with (am a step-mom to two that have already grown and moved out), and I have all of my basic needs met, creating the time and space it takes to manage symptoms as they arise. Without that, it's hard to tell what shape I'd be in, to be honest. Wishing you much relief and wellness in your pursuits. You've found a great space to come share, learn, and find support.....welcome to the community.

 

[Freida]

I remember feeling like my husband wasn't being as emotionally supportive as I needed him to be when I was going through some of the worst feelings and re-living so much of what took me down from my past, but at the time, I couldn't innerstand that he simply isn't equipped to deal with some of the deep shit I had lived through, and he had no healthful/helpful reference to pull from when I'd desperately seek his support, as it was all new to him, and pretty damn scary at times based on my behaviors/thoughts.

^^^^ So very true. Hubby and I don't talk about why I have ptsd or what therapy is like. He is supportive but it is way to hard for him to watch me fight thru this as it is. Knowing why just makes it even harder. So he supports me in my day to day life and helps me get thru the days.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Freida & @Tornadic Thoughts that's what I believe is healthy & balanced. I'm sure both you & SO's had to work at this. Sounds good.