Misunderstood in marriage therapy

[Scarlet13]

(Sorry for the long post):

So, I am in marriage t because my husband has been lying to me. Basically what he was doing is lying about stressful events like money or if an issue came up related to money or employment.

We figured out it has to do with two reasons:
1. He does not have stress tolerance skills and so lies as a reaction instead of problem solving in more healthy ways.
2. He does not want to upset me and see me anxious as he hates when I am distressed so he tries to do what ever it takes to keep me happy.

We are needing help with this, because I am often distressed due to PTSD, but I use skills and am trying to make this more clear. And he needs individual therapy.

Anyways, I met with the marriage t for an individual intake so she could get my history.

I told her all about my trauma background. She seemed overwhelmed after a while, so I probably should have left some of it out.
My mother was really narcissistic and treated me as an extension of herself. She was VERY emotionally abusive.

I have done a lot of work on myself and also it is just my nature to be aware and empathetic, but despite this I have my moments where I will be critical, guilting and try to control my husband. I would call this "emotional abuse" and I am naming it that so I can look at it and change it. It's like my mother just sometimes comes out of me, but I am very strict at trying to control this.

So, when I mention this to the marriage T, she starts to say things that make me uncomfortable. Like it is very understandable that my husband lies out of fear of me.

My husband is not afraid of me. We have it worked out that if I slip into my "mother's voice" and am criticizing or guilting then he can tell me and I will stop. This is really not the norm, but can happen and I am totally receptive to not doing it. I communicated this to the marriage t. It maybe is a part of our over all marriage problems, but is not the main reason why he lies, especially because I am so receptive regarding it.

But, it seems like she stereotyped me or pigeon holed me. I am not a raging, abusive wife who has my husband terrified. When I said, "I am emotionally abusive at times because sometimes I will guilt or criticize my husband and I don't mean to and I own it."

She interpreted this as I am very emotionally abusive and he lies as a means of survival.

I pointed this out to her along with my husband there. And my husband helped to clarify.
"No, I am not afraid of my wife."
"No, I do not lie because I am afraid she will have rage at me."
(I actually struggle to feel anger at all.)
She then apologized and said she misunderstood and the session went on.
It was a productive session.

But I feel worn out by the whole thing. It is hard to trust her now. I very much want to own my issues like if I am being critical or controlling, but am scared that she will have that perception that I am abusive because I was abused. As humans, we all can be emotionally abusive at times. I fall into this group. I am doing the best I can and want to own my shit. But I do not have an abusive personality.

Do you ever find that you are easily misunderstood because of your PTSD or trauma past?

She didn't really see me, I also have the "nature" side of this. I am a very empathetic artist. I tend to overthink and analyze. I am hard on myself. I want to be better than my mother and hold myself to very high standards. This got misunderstood and now I don't want to stay with marriage therapy, but don't want to drag my husband to someone new as he likes her.
I don't know how to get over this.

 

[scout86]

Do you ever find that you are easily misunderstood because of your PTSD or trauma past?

That's a really good question. I don't have a straight, yes or no, answer for you. But, I can say it SEEMS like I'm misunderstood, or ignored, a lot. Whether people know about my past or not. (Most don't.) Thinking about it right now, I'm honestly not sure if it really happens or I just think it happens, or if it happens but for some other reason I'm not aware of.

Having said all that........ I hope this person turns out to be ok as a T. My T is great, but it took a number of sessions before he realized I wasn't there because of a car crash. Long story. He was trying to get me to explain why I WAS there, asked some questions, car crash came up, he made an assumption..... LOL Eventually, he realized what was going on and things changed direction. I can see how a T might jump to the conclusions this one did. Usually, if you hear hoof beats, it IS horses, but now and then it's zebras. I hope she's open to the possibility. You aren't trapped. You can quit any time you want. Might as well give her a chance to sort things out and see if she will. (I'm really hoping this helps you guys!)

 

[Gs172003]

She seems awful quick to make an assessment...

 

[Scarlet13]

Well, she did apologize, but its hard for me to trust that it wont happen again.
She did it because of patterns shes seen in her other patients.
She said to me, "I typically see one spouse cheating and lying out of fear of their partner.
So, try to have compassion for him."
This made me angry. I feel a bit victimized by his lying. Yet I caused it? WTF?
My husband is saying that the marriage t has moved past this why can't I?
I sometimes just really hate therapists and their stereotyping ways. I feel PTSD gets stigmatized.

She seems awful quick to make an assessment...

She has this, "I have been doing this for a while vibe."
I really liked her too. So I feel frustrated.
She did not give me the benefit of the doubt. She just assumed the worse.

 

[Gs172003]

She has this, "I have been doing this for a while vibe."
I really liked her too. So I feel frustrated...

I'd give it some more time and if you still aren't comfortable go elsewhere

 

[scout86]

She did not give me the benefit of the doubt. She just assumed the worse.

Your feelings about this totally make sense. But (you knew there was a "but" coming, right?) I think it's reasonable to be cautious for a bit and see if she really has backed of from her original assumption. Because maybe she has.

I heard a story on the radio last night that was pretty cool and seemed like it applies to some PTSD related stuff. It was about Olympic caliber downhill skiers. They go down those hills at like 80 mph and, apparently, many of them are terrified before each run. The woman they interviewed said, after a bad wreck a few years ago, she decided it wasn't worth it and she should quit. Instead, she implemented what she calls "fear management". She focuses on the potential of the future instead of the disasters of the past. I kind of like that idea and it seems like it might be useful for more than just downhill skiers. Maybe even therapy? Doesn't mean you have to completely overlook what's happened in the past, just that it might be good to be open to the possibility that the future will be different. (Probably WAY easier said than done!)

 

[Freida]

I'm wondering if it is because she wasn't mentally ready for a story like yours to come in the door? Like @scout86 said -- she was expecting a horse and got a zebra. Especially if she is trained in marriage counseling rather than trauma.

She did not give me the benefit of the doubt. She just assumed the worse.

She then apologized and said she misunderstood and the session went on.

Does it help that she admitted she was wrong? Yes, she jumped to a conclusion but ...again...zebra. And yes -- it takes a ton of your energy to try to get to her to see you as you and not someone who is more typical to her practice. But, if she is willing to admit it might take some rearranging in her brain on how to work with what you bring to the table would you give her a chance to fix it? Or would it be better to see a marriage counselor who specializes in trauma also?

 

[Scarlet13]

You are all so helpful!
She has some experience in trauma. She has worked with sexual abuse and domestic violence.
But thats the problem. She thought I was the abuser.
She atleast recognized the misunderstanding and apologized for it, so that matters.

But I dont know how to get over it. I am really sensitive in therapy in terms of trust. It seems like many mental healthcare professionals just see the worst in you.
They jump to conclusions.
I sought out marriage therapy because of being lied to.
Yet, my husband is the victim?
I wish therapy could be a helping relief not another thing on my plate. Yet another experience where I am the scape goat.
I don't know how to open up after this.
I don't want to make our sessions about this issue.
We just want to be done with it.
I don't really like going anymore. I was enthusiastic. I just feel sick now.
Uggh

 

[scout86]

Sometimes there really isn't an actual victim. It can be two people, struggling with their own issues and finding themselves in need of outside help. I'd bet you BOTH have a lot of bad feelings because of this. I'm not real sure this is a case where the victim/abuser dynamic is useful. I don't see a bad guy, just problems that need to be worked through for the relationship to move forward.

 

[Abstract]

Can you ask for a recap with her and who you are and aren't? I think its legitimate to need to first check if she sees you before you continue. Agree with Scout that from what you have said before, neither of you are abusers. Just two people battling with your individual pasts and trying to make things work for each other and yourselves.

 

[Scarlet13]

Sometimes there really isn't an actual victim. It can be two people, struggling with their own issues and finding themselves in need of outside help. I'd bet you BOTH have a lot of bad feelings because of this. I'm not real sure this is a case where the victim/abuser dynamic is useful. I don't see a bad guy, just problems that need to be worked through for the relationship to move forward.

I agree with this.
I feel as though she was turning my husband into a victim.
"He lies because he is afraid of you."
This is not the case at all.
It is completely false.
And it is not a misunderstanding that you can just laugh off.
"Oh, I thought you were a dog person. My bad."
And then continue with the work.
I am going to ask my husband to recap that he does not lie out of fear of me.
And then I will likely do the work, but with a very high level of caution.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @scout86 , and actually she was right, many couples/ parties involved in a relationship don't see what dynamic they're encouraging, and it becomes blaming one's behaviour (just like eg alcoholism is a family illness).

It sounds like she cut to the chase, assumed more than facts in evidence, apologized, and you found her helpful (but fearing inaccuracies and bias? :( ).

She's sure not wasting any time/ $ though!

I think that it's important you both eventually feel comfortable with her, and I would expect no matter whom things are going to make you both feel uncomfortable. But you sound like you're being open, already pinpointing what he felt his motivation was, now you can both find out what parts of the dynamic precede or feed or sustain it (as a start), and make changes for greater happiness and growth.

You are both very brave to go, and face these challenges (and there will always be challenges) head on. :hug: