I am really angry at my t

[Deleted member 37474]

I love my T, but I hate that she is human. I guess that she can’t be “on” all the time. We were scheduled before the office opened today and she was late. It freaked me out. She knew last week was really rough due to new trauma info and emdr stuff, plus travels. We ended up talking around a bunch of stuff. Small talk, some stuff about corrupt authority figures and child molesters. She asked if I wanted to do emdr, I said “no” because I was afraid these feelings would get worse. I showed her a new drawing with how I felt written all around it because I was trying to tell her what is stuck in my head but couldn’t speak. She barely looked at it and didn’t comment or ask anything about those feelings. So I left with everything still stuck inside of me. I am so angry and I want to self harm, but can’t figure how to do it without my husband noticing. I accidentally spilled hot water on my hand, wish I could do more of that. And I am mad at her and don’t really think that she did anything wrong. So I don’t know why. But I am mostly mad at myself for what happened to me. I am not sure how a nine year old could have done anything against a grown up man, so why is my thinking so screwed up?

Does anyone have any insight on what I should do to make it through another week of mental Hell? Why am I mad at T? How do I get over that?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Tell your t you want to talk about the drawing. She obviously didn’t know how important it was to you. Call now and see if you can get in this week yet.

 

[Friday]

Got a couple cool links for you from over in Dysreg :D

Which is what it sounds like is going on with you, right now... struggling with dysregulation (anger, self harm, etc.) in the wake of your last EMDR appointment.

The Iceberg Of Emotions

Dealing with anger

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Hey Tex :hug: the urge to self harm can be hard :/ Just know that you have so many folks who love you, and we’re here to support you :hug:

 

[Still Standing]

Ok, I went and read Anthony's post of "The Iceberg Of Emotions" and though I could read the diagrams, my head became muddled, just like when trying to work on the CBT worksheets, but much less upsetting. I have never seen nor understood the structure of emotions that can produce anger. I have only been in counseling for 5 months and have often wondered why I have no anger. But, I do have prominent emotions that wreak havoc in my head and heart. I feel numb most often and function in that mode unless triggered. The T keeps asking me if I have cried yet. No. I can only get to the point where my face and eyes feel like the pressure behind them is going to explode in a gush of tears and then it all goes away. The best I can do is she'd a few token tears. It seems a monumental task to get to the anger stage. And the thought of that scares the beejeebers out of me! I don't know what I will do! When I do get really angry, things come rushing out of my mouth that I have had no forethought of saying. Or I will go into hysterical laughter, even though I am actually seriously angry. This therapy process is so intimidating at times!

TexCat, (when typing your name, my auto correct wants to put in "Texaco"!! :rolleyes:)
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such upset. The only thing that I can suggest is that you get out of the house and go for a long drive and listen to your favorite music blaring. Or go for a walk, even if it is very cold outside. I fine the nippy cold helps to calm and clear my head. And I do not let hubby come with me. After an eon of marriage, I'm learning to take time by myself and I take my troubled thinking and emotions to a place where no one can influence how I may react to them. Doing something physical helps to ground myself to the point where I can be OK until I see my T. This weekend was especially difficult for me and I broke down and wrote to my Psych doc to which he replied. This method helped too. Maybe an email to your therapist is warranted.

And years ago, I used to injure myself, too. In the long run, I found that desire was only hurting me and did nothing to affect my abusers. And the wounds just caused other problems when someone noticed them. At one point it landed me in solitary confinement. I learned that cutting and hitting myself in the face was totally unproductive toward help and a healthy outcome. Somehow you need to find an alternative method to express or alleviate your deep stress. Not easy, I know. I wish I could help you more effectively.

 

[Mach123]

I look at these overwhelming feelings as representations of something else now. I know most of my feelings are trauma related so when I get upset/triggered I try and think "this is not about this it's about what happened before." I also watch for my feelings that are inappropriately strong. I just know they are not real and I try to think that this is helping these feelings come out of me I hate them but they have been in there so long. Real world it doesn't work all the time but it works a lot. Even if I can just think that it tends to diffuse me. My worst feeling along those lines is something like "I have to stop this." That is a very repetitive feeling/theme and I know it's related to my abuse but it gets turned on by other things now. I'm stuck or trapped is maybe a little different or it might be the same feeling. Not sure. I know I feel weak and unable to stop whatever it is. Helpless? It's a bad feeling. I'm not depressed, but I feel those feelings a lot. My therapy was supposed to be today but she is away for 2 weeks but I'm fine kinda lol. It makes me write on here a lot more. : )

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Tell your t you want to talk about the drawing. She obviously didn’t know how important it w...

She won’t have anything available. She gets booked 3 weeks out. If I call her, she will call back because I did tell her that if I do ever call it is because I am really bad off. I have only ever called her one time and that is because three friends told me to. I did send an email and it is odd that she hasn’t responded yet, but the email rule is that you can email as long as you are able to handle waiting for a response. Honestly, I am so angry right now, I don’t care if she emails me back. I don’t know what she could possible say to make me feel better.

I think with the drawing, she glanced at it because it upset her. There was another drawing that I showed her once and her voice cracked when she responded. I don’t know if anything had ever happened to her in her past, but I am guessing the drawings may be triggering for some people. Maybe she chose emdr to avoid stuff like that.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

And she emailed me back a nice response and I pretty much lost it in my response to that. Telling me to have compassion for myself and that I deserve it. How do I deserve it exactly? She obviously doesn’t really know me.

 

[Suzetig]

What do you want from her when you “lose it” in email? It’s fine to be angry but I wonder what you wanted her to do in session and how she would know what you wanted from her. The self harm sounds more like anger turned back on yourself, is there part of you angry with yourself for not using your time with her the way you wanted to?

If you wanted to talk about all the feelings in your drawing, what stopped you? Sometimes I know I leave therapy angry because I didn’t talk about the thing I wanted to, and can argue that it’s because my T didn’t pick up X tiny clue, or read my mind or know instinctively what I wanted but in reality I chose not to do it.

It sounds like you had a heavy session the week before so an easier, less intense session may not have been a bad thing - part of pacing the work, right? But also frustrating.

When I have a session that feels “blah” I tend to either journal what I wished I had said and take it next time, or write her an email saying “this is what I wanted to do, can you keep it for next week”. She’s always fine with it and we’ll pick it up then - and in the meantime it’s out of my mind.

What is it you want from her just now, what are you trying to do in email and what will it take for you to be able to let things rest until you see her again?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

What do you want from her when you “lose it” in email? It’s fine to be angry but I wonder what yo...

(sorry, still have figured out how to quote from a message on my phone)

In the past, when I would have a really bad week, we would do a lot of grounding and calming stuff. This time, she was late and the time was different, the routine felt off. She offered Emdr, I said no. Because our “girlfriends” style of conversation somehow ended up about corrupt authority figures, I showed her the drawing because I was trying to tell her what he did and said to me, but no words would come out of my mouth. I guess I am angry that she didn’t guide me through that or at least validate what she saw because I had told her I couldn’t say it.

I think what I want is to be “heard.” I don’t want to keep reliving this stuff. I wanted a session where I left feeling slightly better, not worse. For containment purposes, I tried practicing for an hour last night. When I play clarinet, my mind is free and focused. Sleep. All this illness that the state and my family has to go away. Better weather so I can walk my dog.

I guess nothing my T says in an email helps at this point. Her response last night was the usual be kind to yourself. I honestly would rather have her say, “slap yourself out of this and live your life til I see you next week and if you see a knife throw it away, and put away anything you have with sharp edge. Get off your ass, even if you get home at 8 pm and walk your dog despite the weather.”

I really do listen, respect her and do what she says, I think I need her to be a bit more mean and specific if I am going to make it through this week.

 

[Muttly]

TexCat, ok, you know what you want. Can you tell her that? I have had success with my current T, telling her how I want her to interact with me. And, if for some reason, it's something she's not comfortable doing, she has explained why which has made it less painful and frustrating for me.

 

[Freida]

wow -- that's a lot for you to be dealing with. I'm so sorry.

could it be that being late threw her off as much as you? She sounds like she is usually pretty good - maybe just horrible timing that she and you had a bad day at the same time?

But I am mostly mad at myself for what happened to me. I am not sure how a nine year old could have done anything against a grown up man, so why is my thinking so screwed up?

Once you figure it out let me know! That's the fun of ptsd - thinking we could have done something differently - when we never stood a chance in the first place

How do I deserve it exactly? She obviously doesn’t really know me.

boolsheet. You do deserve it. Yell away -- I'll wait.

I think with the drawing, she glanced at it because it upset her. There was another drawing that I showed her once and her voice cracked when she responded.

yea -- as my T has told me when I say something that makes her teary --- these are the emotions you are supposed to feel when you hear/see/know that someone has been treated as horribly as you have been. Your T is reacting normally. Her voice is cracking because you are sharing things that happened to you and it makes her feel bad FOR YOU.

We get so used to numbing our emotions that when someone actually shows us one it freaks us out. Voice cracking, tears in eyes, glancing at something and looking away -- -all normal. It doesn't mean she can't handle it. It means she can process it normally and continue on with helping you. But to us? or at least me? weakness = danger. So it makes me back up and want to run if she acts even slightly human.