Relationship Another venting

[TDaily]

Going through another rough patch. I've found these posts help (somewhat). Thanks for listening in advance.

We were on a real good streak towards the end of 2017. It had been at least three months since the last episode, so I was feeling pretty good. Then my wife told me she was thinking about getting pregnant again. That's fine by me, we have two children now, another would be great. She tells me she's going to stop taking her anxiety meds in hopes of a pregnancy.

I've already lived this script before. Once she's off the meds things can spiral out of control quickly. Her cup is already at the cusp and the smallest thing can cause it to overflow and blow up. Yesterday I parked in the driveway and blocked her car so she couldn't get to yoga early in the morning (typically I leave first in the mornings). It was the end of the world. I simply moved the truck to the street. Today I brought the wrong diapers to day care. I don't listen and we should get divorced. Its been this way for over two months.

I've become a bit numb to the divorce threats, because I've probably heard them 30ish times in our four years of marriage and they have never materialized. But they still hurt. I get drained by all the negativity and hurtful words thrown my way. Now our oldest daughter (teenager, my step-daughter) is starting to notice. After my wife went to bed last night, we stayed downstairs, watching Olympics and talked. She has also noticed her mother's persistent anger and rage. It is definitely her go-to emotion when she triggers.

I realize there are anxiety meds you can take during pregnancy (she's not pregnant), but I'm not allowed to bring up PTSD to her, especially when she's triggered. When we first met, she was on meds and going to therapy, now she does neither. And it shows. I've tried bringing up these treatment options in the past, but it just leads to another trigger. As of right now, all I have is books and this website.

A little rambling, but I found posting these helps me gather my thoughts and help me out emotionally. I know my wife loves me, I just wish I could help her. Thanks again for listening.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's hard to be the "designated asshole" all the time. Med adjustments are nightmares. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it right now.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

My hat’s off to you @TJO! As a supporter, it can be very rough on us, but if you love someone, you’ll do the work. I’m sorry you’re having to constantly endure this; hopefully your wife will get back on her meds and resume therapy.

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. Have you thought about asking her to go to therapy?

 

[TDaily]

I have asked her about going back to therapy. I've asked her to go with me. We did for a while before our second daughter was born. Unfortunately, asking her to go is one of those touchy subjects which triggers her.

She's a veteran who has served in Korea and Iraq. She says much of her PTSD stems from that. She used to go to the local VA for therapy and really liked the therapist there. Unfortunately, she left to start her own practice and the replacement was not nearly as liked, so she stopped going.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's the rub with VA psych care... high turnover. Is there a vet center nearby?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

She tells me she's going to stop taking her anxiety meds in hopes of a pregnancy.

Stopping previous would not make sense unless it is known to cause a woman to not be able to get preg. And I did some research and I did not find that. Once preg then thay can be discussed at that point. But to prematurally stop meds in hopes of getting preg is a bit dangerous in my opinion unpess that drug is known to make it much harder to get preg.

She has also noticed her mother's persistent anger and rage. It is definitely her go-to emotion when she triggers.

As is mine. Buy the DBT workbook off Amazon and ask her to go throught it. It's amazing at teaching one how to regulate emotions.

Triggers are ours (the sufferer) to manage and not up to the supporter to avoid. The eldest is seeing the change? That"s not good. I think good boundries are lacking here but its hard to know off of all you said.

 

[Friday]

But to prematurally stop meds in hopes of getting preg is a bit dangerous in my opinion unpess that drug is known to make it much harder to get preg.

Every OB/gyn on the planet has you stop most psychiatric meds whilst trying to become pregnant. And it’s the first trimester, often before it’s even possible to test if you are pregnant, that is where most of the damage to the fetus occurs. There are a few that are safe to take during pregnancy, but even those they usually want you in the second trimester, first. As the OPs wife already has 2 children she undoubtedly knows whether or not -and it sounds like not- her go to meds are safe for early term pregnancy.

Unfortunately, asking her to go is one of those touchy subjects which triggers her.

Snort. Yeah, trying to tell a pissed off vet what to do... that always goes well. <cough> Any chance the private practice is local? &/if so that therapy costs could be rolled into pregnancy calculations? Or covered under a private plan?

& whether or not she’ll go... somewhere for you & your daughter to go? If not therapy, someplace fun to get some distance & balance for the two of you?

 

[Freida]

I second @Sweetpea76 - have her check out a vet center. From what I hear it's not quite as VAish

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Every OB/gyn on the planet has you stop most psychiatric meds whilst trying to become pregnant. And it’s the first trimester, often before it’s even possible to test if you are pregnant, that is where most of the damage to the fetus occurs. There are a few that are safe to take during pregnancy, but even those they usually want you in the second trimester, first. As the OPs wife already has 2 children she undoubtedly knows whether or not -and it sounds like not- her go to meds are safe for early term pregnancy.

I'm sorry. I spoke up too soon as I've never planned on a child and cannot conceive today. I was just reading up on seriquel (a med I was going to mention but didnt) and pregnancy and since an anti-psychotic is mainly for those psychotic and schizophrenic, it talks about staying on the meds until preg then discussing with your doctor any alternatives. Im sure the anxiety meds are different. I did do a search and it does seem like most meds used for anxiety aren't safe for a fetus.

I was also thinking about all of those that get preg on accident whose babies turn out fine. How do they turn out fine if the few weeks of when you get preg and when you find out your preg to tell the doctor/stop the meds are the most damaging time?

I just feel like going off meds that help for something that may never happen. I don't know. That seems premature to me. But again, can't conceive here. So i honestly have no idea how a woman prepares to get preg. Seems reasonable to me that if the most damage is done in the timeframe of conceiving and finding out your preg (when you don't know you are preg and are still taking meds because you have no idea) to stop those meds now while trying to conceive. Which kinda sucks but seems reasonable nonetheless.

@TJO, the VA is horrible from my experience of going with my dad and all the struggles he had with it taking months to get an appointment and that appointment mysteriouly got canceled and taking another few months for another appointment. Never experienced the VA and mental health but I am sure the experiences are similar. I would also second the VA center. I hear they are much better.

Also try the DBT workbook. It really is amazing at helping one learn how to regulate emotions. Especially if the eldest is seeing the rage. That seems not good to me. Maybe try out a few boundries as well. Just from the bit you wrote it seems you maybe lacking approprate boundries (and maybe not. Just how it seemed to me). And it's completely approprate, in my opinion, to set them for your children. What your children can and cannot see as they really don't have a voice and their parents are their voice. I'm just thinking about my rage today (ETA: when I had children in my care, it was years ago, and I was in denial and showed none of these unregulated emotions. Or at least not to this extent) and how that would of really messed up a child.

 

[Freida]

Never experienced the VA and mental health but I am sure the experiences are similar.

The VA can be hit and miss but I've been very happy with my experience there. The wait time was about the same as my regular insurance could do and I really like my therapist.