Addressing childhood sexual assault, now i can't stand my partner.

[Skelliconnection]

This seems like a strange place to ask, but I dont know what else to do. Im going through hypnotherapy right now to finally address my ongoing childhood sexual assault from my older brother. It lasted from ages 11-16, and when I completely stopped sleeping three months ago, I knew I needed to get to the root of the problem - which is that i kept myself awake during those younger years to try to avoid it happening. Now I cant sleep at all. I live with a wonderful man who used to make me incredibly happy, and now two months into therapy and I cant stand him. I cant stand his touch, his voice, even his help. My skin crawls when hes near me and its the most horrible feeling. Here is this amazing man who has done nothing but help me, and now I cant help but push him away. I told him I need my own space and I'm going to move out next month. I just dont know if im making the wrog decision based on these crazy emotions im going through, or if my feelings are really changing. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Mytime]

Can you move into a different room?

 

[Still Standing]

Hi Skelliconnection,
I am truly sorry that you have to experience what you are. I totally relate and I mean totally relate. I wrote a bunch of stuff to you but nuked it. All I can say is that therapy makes the dust fly and your brain gets T-boned as a constant. The crawling skin (and panic, perhaps) is familiar with many after sexual abuse. Right now, my own circumstances have my hubby and I in a platonic college roommate type of relationship for the very same thing you describe. I was willing to move out but I'm still here. He is supportive. If your man is a great guy, have you simply sat down and talked to him about what is happening to you and that your reactions to him is a residual of the sexual abuse? He needs to know it is not about him. If you are in a committed relationship, maybe he might want to have you stay and give you support in this journey. Who knows? Have you talked to your therapist about your decision to move out? It would be worth discussing it with the T. There is no instant cure. You are in this for the long haul. Hopefully, the mental dust-ups will calm down a little as you address the difficulty you are experiencing. Perhaps someone else, here, who has been walking this journey will have better advice, insight, or suggestion for you. In the meantime, welcome to the forum.

 

[Missycat]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I think @Still Standing answers your question well and i cant add much more apart from what you are feeling is sadly common with abuse survivors. Therapy cam be hard but it will help you and is a good place for you to work through and process your feelings. I still sleep in a seperate room to my partner ... mostly because i keep them awake with my poor sleep and nightmares and the rare times we can be intimate i usually then spend hours afterwards crying - through nothing they have done. As @Mytime has commented is it possible he goes in the spare room rather than you moving out?
I wish you well on your recovery and journey.

 

[Skelliconnection]

Hi Skelliconnection,
I am truly sorry that you have to experience what you are. I totally relat...

Thank you so much for your response... it is incredibly comforting to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I have talked to him very openly about it, and he has asked me to stay so that he may support me - but I feel that I just dont have the energy for a relationship right now, and I'm creating a negative environment at home because of it. Its hard to say "I'm sorry, but we arent going to have sex for an undetermined amount of time" and feel okay about it -- he, on the other hand, is a very sexual person. Its always been a bit of a rough spot in regards to our compatibility. I don't like myself when I'm around him anymore - I know its me and that I'm responsible for those feelings. I get so irritated, he looks at me with so much pity and concern and it makes my blood boil. Im not an angry person, so these feelings are totally throwing me offguard. I almost feel as though I dont even want his support, i dont want to talk about it or try to distract myself with him. I just feel like investing the very small amount of energy I have into fixing myself without adding to the unbearable guilt. :(

Hi and welcome to the forum. I think @Still Standing answers your question well and...

Thank you for your reply - that validation means a lot. ❤

 

[Still Standing]

That's a tough issue to deal with...leaving or staying. Either way it, it is not an easy decision to make. Yeah, guilt will muck up the issue each time. It is gonna be there whether you are in a relationship or not. It is really important to be with a therapist who understands CPTSD so I hope your hypnotherapist is so trained. You are going to need support through this. This is a good place to ask questions or simply whine when you need a safe outlet. We all understand...

 

[freyjacat]

I can relate. After facing my childhood sexual abuse, I haven’t been able to be intimate with my partner. I freeze up when he touches me. It’s a r...[/QUOTE]


I can relate. Since facing my childhood sexual abuse, I haven’t been able to be intimate with my partner. I freeze up when he touches me. It’s a reaction that can’t be helped rape right now. Unfortunately, it is a natural response to the trauma. I usually can’t stand the idea of sex. At times, it absolutely repulses me. I’ve pushed my partner away. I would ask, how much do you love this person? Do you not like yourself around him because of him or just the guilt? If he’s in it for the long haul and you really love him, perhaps staying is worth considering.

Sometimes I feel awfully guilty about how I feel and react to his affection, but I have to remind myself that I can’t help it. I am hoping therapy will help me out there, but who knows. Like @Still Standing said, my relationship is more like a platonic roommate relationship. I don’t have much advice to give, but know you are not alone. I thoUght I was alone, but then I found your post. We’re not alone.

 

[freyjacat]

It’s a reaction that can’t be helped right now*
For some reason my auto correct threw in an extra unwanted word in that sentence...oops.

 

[J Taverner]

When I started therapy about two years ago I was married to a wonderful woman who was very caring, albeit very controlling. Once I stopped contact with my family and finally started dealing with all the hidden and suppressed things in my brain our relationship broke down. Mainly due to my fear of being touched. It was always there but drugs and still knowing my family, helped suppress it. I think it's quite normal. After about a year of therapy I realised that ofcourse I wasn't happy in the marriage, as when I got married the was still much other trauma happening so there was no way of me identifying a good healing relationship from an overbearing pipedream that was me and my wife. I'm sorry to say but it may be that what you need is healthy relationships, and that isn't actually one. My wife was caring to a fault, but the relationship was toxic a f. I know it hurts to watch the people fall away while you embrace recovery, but once you rebuild yourself, your relationships will be a two way street, with mutuality as the main ideal. Truly sorry for you. It's so hard. I stopped contact with everyone I knew bar 1 person for this very reason. But in the year since I kicked 15 or so bad relationships/friendships, I now have , probably, 3 mutual healing relationships and that's not counting my awesome therapist. In the end, I feel it was for the best. Hope you get there mate, it's a steep and lonely climb, but worth it.