Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[courelly]

Hi everyone. You were all so empathetic and kind when I shared my story last time. Original post here. Historically, I've talked to a lot of friends and family about my situation, gone to groups and therapists, but there's nothing like sharing and hearing stories from people in situations that are similar to mine. I'm honestly not sure anyone else can truly understand what it's like. Thank you so, so much for at least helping me feel less alone.

I'm at a phase in which I want to attempt to leave (again). I've made genuine efforts to leave five times in the past in the five or so years we've been together, either moving out of a house with him completely, breaking a rental lease, or packing all my stuff with friends involved. My biggest regret in life is getting back together with him the first time I did. We were dating long distance and I broke up with him after a few glaring red flags (him yelling at me and calling me a bitch over the phone, primarily), but second-guessed my decision, and he ended up moving to my home state shortly after that. Back then, I thought it was just me who was irritating him. I didn't know that he'd driven away other friends, family, and other women with his anger and violence.

When I leave this time, I want it to stick. I know what happens when I leave and come back to him - he punishes me, and I revert back to being terrified and walking on eggshells.

I've read all the resources out there that tell me to "make a plan" if I'm really going to leave, so I want to make a plan. It's super daunting this time because of the current parameters:

He's not working, so he's at home all the time, with an exception of an hour or two for an appointment here and there. It would be nearly impossible to leave without him knowing that's what I'm doing, much less pack anything I own. His lack of a job for the last year also makes me feel a little guilty, because he's not financially stable enough to care for himself.

I now live two states away from my home state, and am therefore isolated from my support network. None of our friends here, all of whom are mutual friends, know what's going on.

We have two dogs that we're both very attached to. One we'd both consider "my" dog from before we were together. The other one we adopted last year, and she's still a relative puppy. When I leave, I'm going to leave the puppy with him, but if I leave him homeless or in the financial dust, same goes for the dog. There are still three months on the rental lease, which I could pay for if I'm away and he's searching for a job, but of course that still ties me to him in a way. I can't break my end of the lease without legal action.

After big blow-outs, he tends to go back to acting "normal," no matter how bad the blowout. This is confusing to me and usually swings me back into our routine almost seamlessly. Mostly because I'm grateful for the end of the stress, I guess. Yesterday, he punched a hole in a wall, called me a number of names, threw my shoes off a balcony, and told me I was worthless and that his biggest regret was spending the last several years with me. By the end of the night he was patching the hole in the wall, asking if I'd like to watch the new episode of our favorite show, and trying to make jokes with me. Normally I fall back into line, but this time it's disturbing me considerably. Yesterday's fight started because I ruined his fifty cent whiteboard and didn't make him toast. Obviously he doesn't see it this way, since in his mind he's "making an example" out of the small things I do wrong to point to "bigger issues," but as I see it, he punched a wall over toast and a whiteboard.

What does a successful "get out" plan look like in a case like mine? Do I really have to suck it up and leave all my belongings behind? I don't care about furniture or even expensive electronics I've purchased, I just want to keep my books, clothes, and a couple kitchen items.

 

[Teasel]

Not got any helpful suggestions but am really happy that you'e decided to create a plan to get out. Would love to follow how you get on too :-)

Hopefully someone has good suggestiins for you :-)

 

[littleoc]

When I leave, I'm going to leave the puppy with him, but if I leave him homeless or in the financial dust, same goes for the dog. There are still three months on the rental lease, which I could pay for if I'm away and he's searching for a job, but of course that still ties me to him in a way. I can't break my end of the lease without legal action.

I have very little advice on anything else, except to say that I'm so glad that you're getting out. I wouldn't worry about his financial instability. It isn't your concern, and it's not your fault that he is.

I wish I had good advice on how to leave someone who's always around... does he do any kind of outdoor thing, ever? Does he have a hobby?

The reason I quoted the post above is because it's bothering me tremendously. I don't know your life and don't want to be unnecessary, but I do wonder if he's ever hurt a dog, or if he's capable of taking care of one in literally any way. Especially food and vet bills. I mean... haven't you just told us indirectly that you care for this dog, not him?

I can't really get the image out of my head of a dog who feels confused by the circumstances and left behind to someone who won't meet his needs... sorry.

 

[courelly]

I have very little advice on anything else, except to say that I'm so glad that you're getting out. I...

I meant to clarify this. He has never ever harmed a dog, not even yelled at it. It's a creepy disconnect, because he treats our dogs way better than he treats me. When I go on work trips, he takes care of them. They are also very attached to him.

Not got any helpful suggestions but am really happy that you'e decided to create a plan to get out. W...

Thank you Bearlinda!

 

[Snowflakes]

am therefore isolated from my support network.

I used to work as a DV specialist in Court Ops. That is to say, I was in the enforcement side after things got bad for the victim. The point is, if you don’t have a support group, most States (assuming you’re in the US) have DV hotlines that will advise you and help you with a plan.

If you fear you cannot simply pack your belongings and walk out the door because he is home all the time and won’t allow you to walk out the door, there are procedures in place that can help you safely leave,

I don’t know enough about your specific circumstances to give advice on specific steps you can take but, if you’re posting in a DV forum and you feel you do not have the freedom to walk out your front door, then that tells me you have a fear of either physical or emotional abuse.

Also...almost all States have a process that will allow you to break a rental lease due to DV reasons. Remember that DV can be emotional in addition to physical.

My suggestion is to call the DV support in the State you are currently residing and ask them what you are asking here. Be sure to delete you call log on your phone after doing so.

Take care and I wish you well.

 

[gealach]

I don't know which country you are in.... do you have the option of coming back with a police protective escort to retrieve your personal items? In my country, a person experiencing DV or similar unsafe living conditions can speak to police about having an escort, for protection, while they go back to pack up their personal items. This does mean first leaving, with minimal personal items... just the essentials to get you through a few days to a week while the escort is arranged. If this is available to you, I'd strongly recommend using it.

I'd also recommend taking both dogs. He may never have harmed an animal before, but once he realizes you're gone, that may change. He needs someone/something to take his anger out on and to blame... that puppy will be the only living outlet in his immediate area and may become a target. Some shelters or kennels will temporarily house animals while their owners flee DV. Could fake a vet appointment for both dogs, as a ruse to get them, and you, out without him?

When you leave, where will you be living? Will you be changing your phone number and email address? Can you update your snail mail so that it is diverted from the old house to the new? Does he know where you work, and what is your plan for safety there?

You feel bad about him not having a job, and your leaving will place him in financial difficulty, etc. In short.... TOO BAD. That is not your concern. Your concern is your safety, end of story. HE will have to figure out his living and financial arrangements, just like if he ever wants to have a healthy human relationship HE will have to figure out his anger issues. You can't save him, and you can't change him. Let him hit rock bottom, that may be what he needs.

Statistically, the most dangerous time in a DV relationship is when one party is leaving and directly after. Have a safety plan.

I wish you luck.

 

[courelly]

I used to work as a DV specialist in Court Ops. That is to say, I was in the enforcement side after...

Thank you. I've been to my local domestic violence center to discuss my options, and they did say they could get me out of my lease. However, I'm worried about leaving him and his dog homeless. Being jobless currently, he'd be unable to qualify for another rental.

I'm not necessarily afraid for my physical safety if I try to leave (though maybe I should be), but he has convinced me to stay a great many times. I don't trust myself not to be manipulated at this point, even if my car is packed to the brim with my stuff and I've got my foot on the gas pedal.

I don't know which country you are in.... do you have the option of coming back with a police protect...

I'm in the United States. Police escorts are an option, and I have considered that.

If I leave, it's a two day drive to get to a place where I feel comfortable, safe, and like there is not a danger of returning to him. Your comment now makes me worried about his dog, even though I've never seen him harm one, but I honestly don't know how I'd manage two dogs. Thinking about the dog thing alone is making me backpedal on wanting to leave because I want to protect her.

 

[Justmehere]

Get the pros involved. Your local DV shelter will likely have a lot of experience and be the most in touch with resources in your area. They’ll often understand the emotional pull to stay. I had an advocate come at hang with me while moving boxes for support in resisting the urge to stay. They’ll also hopefully be able to help navigate local laws in regards to the puppy, and to make an objective assessment on what needs to happen for the pup.

I love dogs myself and I know you are worried about ithe puppy becoming homeless with your ex. Try to let that go...

Continuing to stay in a situation where you are being victimized isn’t what the puppy needs.

There will always seem like a compelling reason to stay. The more you can expect it to come up, the better you might be able to stay the course.

Make a plan for therapeutic support. Trauma bonding is hard to break and getting support for the tough moments ahead will be key. For me, I had to almost see it like an addiction I was resisting. The returning was so compulsive for me, it helped for me to own right up front that I couldn’t do it alone and that the temptation to go back would come.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, about the dog. I know I've read studies that not all people who abuse people abuse dogs. So, it may well be he would never harm them. I volunteer for a pet food bank. We give people food, flea medicine and connect them to resources for their pets. So, there are resources out there. Homeless people often have dogs that are amazingly well cared for. My whole life, literally, is about the care of animals. And I think you need to get yourself out of the situation and let your worry about the dogs go. You aren't helping the dogs by staying if you are in a situation where violence is happening. That's putting stress on the dogs too. Your situation is terrible and there's no perfect solution for the dogs. And the general rule for people, first responders, animal care folks, etc, is to take care of your safety first.

 

[courelly]

Ok, about the dog. I know I've read studies that not all people who abuse people abuse dogs. So, it may...

Thank you, I needed to hear this so much. We don't have kids, and the dog issue is almost always my number one deterrent whenever I think I'm ready to go.

I could technically pay for the three remaining months of the lease, and bring a friend back to help me move the rest of my stuff out (with a police escort) after I've returned to my home state.

 

[gealach]

Thinking about the dog thing alone is making me backpedal on wanting to leave because I want to protect her

honestly, there are ways to protect her that don't involve you staying in a DV relationship. And this seems a bit like scapegoating the dog. Your brain wants to stay because it's easier, it's predictable, you know the routine/cycle. It's the devil you know (staying), versus the devil you don't (leaving).

 

[courelly]

Get the pros involved. Your local DV shelter will likely have a lot of experience and be the most in...

My local domestic violence shelter was kind of a let down. The advocate handed me some paperwork and told me what legal resources were available, but I left feeling more alone than when I came in. Not the advocate's fault, but it just seemed like she was going through the motions of explaining what she needed to, not like we were going to make a plan of action and get me out.