“how are you doing?”

[NightSky]

Does anyone else hate this question? Sometimes after a hard session my T will text or email and ask this. (It feels so supportive and means a lot to me. But i never know how to answer). And she usually starts the session with “how have you been this week?” My very close friends will ask as well, really wanting an honest answer. (The casual “how are you” from everyone else never bothers me. Because we aren’t really asking anyway, in that case)
I never know how to answer. Because I’m realizing no matter how much I try to distract or numb or cope or “rise above,” I’m always in a certain amount of pain, always fighting the hurt and the hopelessness, always wishing I could be more present in my life, wanting to feel calm and safe. And I never really do, deep down. But I feel like Debbie downer if I were truly to be honest and answer that question with how I am. So I’ll say “ok. The nightmares are back” or “hanging in there. Have had some anxiety this week.” Etc. When I really want to say “not okay. Never ok. Don’t ask again and I’ll let you know if that changes.” This question seems to shine a spotlight on the pain I always feel and my desire to NOT feel it anymore.
Anyone else?

 

[FauxLiz]

Interesting that you would bring this up today. I had an appointment with my headache specialist today and the first thing out of his mouth was how are you doing? I gave him my stock answer for how I felt today which was "Sunshine and Roses". When I was inpatient hospitalized a couple of months ago my T asked me the same thing and when I said that he asked what that meant, I had never really thought about it tilI then. I realized that my answer depends upon how okay to bad I feel. Okay - Sunshine and Roses, Bad - Sunshine and Roses, Rainbows and Unicorns, really really bad - Sunshine and Roses, Rainbows and Unicorns and Puppy Dog Tails.

No one really wants to know how we really feel when they ask that question it is a formality to start a conversation. I could be wrong but that is how I have always seen it so why would I be honest in any way?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I usually say (if it someone wanting an honest answer)
Doing shit but surviving.
Not ok but nothing I can’t handle.
Not good but within coping abilities.
I’m not sure but I’ll let you know when I’m more present.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I usually say “never better” or “fantastic”. And it’s not that I’m NOT ok, I just don’t really feel anything most of the time. And that’s just fine. But “fine” is boring so I intensify it.

 

[MyWillow]

When my T asks how I am going and means it....I either avoid by changing the subject, dissociate, moderate my response or run a combo of all 3. I am so used to saying "I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm fine" that I even say it when I come out of a flashback and she asks if I'm ok. Sometimes she might say with empathy "you look tired" and I'll say "damn, that wasn't the look I was going for" and she will respond with "you don't have to hide how you're feeling from me." Whoa. What?

Yeah, so 18 months in and we're still working on that...

 

[Freida]

I'm fine. Always - I'm fine. I could be standing there with my arms chopped off and my head on crooked and I'll say I'm fine. It makes my T nuts!

Then I got smacked upside the head by my sisters because they asked and I said ---- I'm falling apart. I cant do this. And they cheered. Ok, yea, I'm from an odd family but have to say it made me pause in shock. I was being honest and they were giggling? Then they explained. They knew I was falling apart. They always knew. I could fake it with strangers but not with those closest to me. And they knew that someday, if I stayed in therapy, I would finally trust them enough to answer the question "how are you" honestly. And that it would mean I was healing. So even though I felt like crap it was amazing to see how much it meant to them that I admitted it. Which allowed me to start being a bit more honest, which took away the pressure of faking it.

 

[Vee]

With PTSD I feel like it’s a war between needing to talk about (cause you know talking about it will help) and not wanting to talk about it because I’m F-ing sick of being in pain and want to be normal already.

Sucky thing is, I don’t think the war ever stops...it’s just goes along with the territory.

I do think it’s healthy to set aside time when to talk about it and address it, and when to ignore it and go about life. You can’t address the pain all the time; you’d go insane.

 

[Still Standing]

The preverbal question, "How are you?" T starts each session with this question. It has taken months of "I'm fine", I'm good", I'm Ok" for me to process through trying to divert, then getting aggravated, to trying to find a different way to respond to that blasted question. I have come to the conclusion it is not worth the effort to keep up the charade. Now, with 'normal' people, I still use those three phrases. It is easier than dropping my issues on them. I don't want to wear out the few people who are willing to listen when I need them. But with the T, it is easier and quicker if I answer his question more succinctly rather than string him on. Maybe this is why therapists ask this question so that we get used to being able to honestly express our feelings. Regardless, that question still makes me want to chew on glass. :hungover:

 

[Changing4Best]

My T reversed this. She told me that I am doing VERY WELL and explained a bit of why. She also asked me how I was doing in relation to something that had happened this week. (A friend and client had died). I had emailed her about it. It was refreshing to hear her evaluation. I had not known I was doing VERY WELL!

 

[Suzetig]

My T asks this at the start of the session - she’s purely making a connecting with me in a “hello how are things” kind of way. So I’ll generally say I’m fine or doing ok and then we get down to work. In T I just think of it as a verbal handshake - we’re going to talk about how I’m doing so I don’t see the need just then to get into the difficult bits in response to what is a social nicety.

 

[LilyRose]

I always say im fine... sometimes to close friends i can say i m tired or not doing so well....
my therapist have never asked me that question.. he just starts with what he wants to talk about and when during a session he asks what i feel and i tell him, its like, oh thats normal and he continues...
But i hate the question too. I m never certain if someone wants an honest answer so i start with im ok and they rarely ask any further. Its weird... i am avoiding to talk about it, but i do want/need totalk about it... just cant get it out.

 

[MyWillow]

My T asks this at the start of the session - she’s purely making a connecting with me in a “hello h...

When it's a nicety in her waiting room, that's easy. When it's said with genuine interest? Bleurgh definitely like broken glass lol