Dom Violence Help!!! husband being released from jail in 2 days.

[McWilkers84]

Hi. I’m trying to get some advice. I’m going crazy first of all, I’m hopeless and very anxious.

In order to not write a book I’ll try and keep this short. My husband is getting out of jail (possibly) in two days. I am on crutches and in a soft cast from surgery to fix three broken bones in my ankle. I don’t want him coming around and ruining my life. He has before in the passed contacted and harassed people I knew. He has embarrassed me severely with my neighbors and has used any means necessary to get to me. He is not on my lease and has never lived where I am now. He does however have some things here like clothes and dvds. That’s it. I have in the passed contacted the police on several occasions and they would not remove him but only made me leave because I was not safe. Law enforcement here does not take domestic violence seriously. Any ideas or thoughts of what I can do?

Also, my second issue is that I’m having a lot of terrible thoughts. He used to make fun of my appearance, they way I would dress, cheat on me, tell him how terrible sex was with me, and tell me how he would like to be with other women. Well, today I am not able to properly maintain my appearance because I am on crutches and only 9 days out of surgery. I struggle to make it to the bathroom sometimes. The words just keep going through my head and I can’t stop it!!! Also, I am on FMLA from work and cannot provide for myself. When I didn’t have a job and my own money I was forced to go without food, tampons, or whatever I needed sometimes. I would have to beg to purchase anything sometimes but when he didn’t have money I would have to provide everything for myself and him without complaint. I mean that’s not the case now I have friends and family there for me but he might ruin my relationship with these people too!!

Please, I need some advice on how to proceed. What did you do? How did you handle your situation? Does it ever get better?

 

[Blessed1984]

Yeah so I’m new I need advice and I’m not working this thing right. I thought I successfully posted already and I guess I did not.
I am exiting an abusive marriage. My husband could potentially be getting out of jail in like two days. I am also in a cast and on crutches do to breaking my foot in three places. I don’t want him coming around here. In the passed the police would not help me. What is your experience in keeping your abuser away? How did you stop your abuser from contacting your friends and family? Have any of you had a bad experience when counting on the police to help you when you were the victim?

 

[Sweetleaf]

I filed for a restraining order against him. I had a temporary order within a few days of freeing myself from him, and not long after I was able to get a long-term one.

I mean, it doesn't literally keep him away from me, it just makes it so there are legal consequences. He isn't allowed to contact me through third party, either. I basically went for as much as I could.

I plan on changing my legal name to make it harder for him to find me, and I kind of want to move to another state.

 

[Blessed1984]

I am thinking of the restraining order. Unfortunately, unless there is current physical abuse the judge may not grant one. He has been in jail since July of last year. Im just worried about the what if’s. When dealing with law enforcement and the court system in my area you never know whether you’ll get help or not. Also, thank you for your response. I’m up for any and suggestions.

 

[Sweetleaf]

It's worth trying to get a restraining order, IMO. Is he physically/sexually abusive? Do you have any evidence of him physically assaulting you in the past, like pictures of bruises, medical records, etc? That might help.

Do you have anywhere you can stay that would be safer from him? Even on a temporary basis.

 

[Blessed1984]

Well I do have other places I can flee to but I don’t think that me leaving my own home would be even remotely fair. You see, last time I called upon the police for help it was a different situation. We lived together in a shared residence. The cops made me leave because one of them knew him and knew his history or abuse. They wanted one of us (me) to leave due to the probability of the situation escalating.
I am in a new residence now. My name is the only name on the lease. He has not even ever stepped foot in my home as he has been in jail this whole time. He does however have some things here. I was sort of obligated to move his items from a shared storage building to my new residence as he could of retaliated legally had I just left or gotten rid of his things. It’s just some clothing, a storage container, etc.... I had back in December asked his mother to come retrieve his few possessions but she refused after initially agreeing to. I have already returned his living room set as well as some clothes.
I no longer have any record of the instances that I was in the hospital and although there were pictures they no longer exist from changing phones. I think my mom may have a nasty threatening text on her phone still though.
Also, from the months of June to October I was in a shelter for abused women and children. I was blessed with being able to get back on my feet in a mere three months.
Everything is just getting to me now that he may be getting out of jail.
Stalking and contacting my friends are another issue. He went as far as to contact a man I had went to high school with and had not seen 15 plus years. He contacted people from my old jobs and stopped at nothing to find me.
I really do hope I’m over thinking all of this and making it bigger than what it is.

 

[Friday]

Does it ever get better?

Nope. Domestic violence gets worse over time, not better. That’s why people nearly always counsel leaving abusers, not staying with them.

Which is what I’m counseling, now. You have an opportunity in front of you. You’ve been living on your own, now, as if you’ve already left him. Make it official. File for divorce.

I have in the passed contacted the police on several occasions and they would not remove him but only made me leave because I was not safe.

You would need to file a restraining order or protection order for police to remove / arrest anyone in most cases. Without one on file the only thing police can do is ask them to leave. If they won’t, then they ask you to leave. If no one is willing to leave, and there’s no order filed with the courts, their hands are tied. They have as much right to be in the family home as you do.

If you don’t want him in your home, at a bare minimum you need to file for a restraining order / order of protection. Ideally? File for divorce.

I mean that’s not the case now I have friends and family there for me but he might ruin my relationship with these people too!!

There’s an easy solution to this one, and that’s choosing your life, friends, and family over him. Leave him, and keep them, and your life.

 

[Blessed1984]

Divorce costs money. I have legal aid in my area. I’m signed up. They are backed up for ages. In the meantime, I can file a restraining order yes but whether or not it is approved is the thing.
He has no rights to my home. As per the landlord and lease agreement no adult but myself can live here. He is not on the lease. I moved here with out him. I really don’t think the cops would let someone I’m estranged with to begin with just come in and live here but who knows.

 

[Friday]

They can, for sure.

Since you only have 2 days until he’s released, a phone call over to your local DV group might be able to speed up the process, some. Especially as the act of filing itself is only the first step (and often free / fees waived, in cases of DV) of a long process which can take years. Especially in states that require a year of separation before the court process can begin (file, wait a year, start proceedings).

 

[Suzetig]

Get rid of his stuff, pack it up and give it to a family member of his or put it somewhere he can get access to it - even a left luggage place would be better than you having it in the house. That way he has no need to be near your house. Does he know where you live and does he know you’ve left him?

If possible, arrange for someone to stay with you for a while after his release so that you have support, a measure of protection and a witness should things go badly wrong. What is he in jail for - does his offence(s) create greater risk, eg violent crime, assault etc (you don’t need to answer that but think about how likely he is to get physical), is he generally mentally stable and if not how does that present itself. You need to think about the worst he could do and have something in place to protect yourself.

But do leave - it won’t get any better from here.

 

[Friday]

I thought I successfully posted already and I guess I did not.

Found it! And I’ve merged your 2 threads together. You weren’t signed into your account for the first one, so there was a bit of confusion. Any questions, comments, concerns, please feel free to open a help ticket. :)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread...

 

[Friday]

Unfortunately, unless there is current physical abuse the judge may not grant one. He has been in jail since July of last year. Im just worried about the what if’s.

Maybe & being told no = better than assuming no, and not even trying.

Worst case scenario is nothing changes, best case scenario is that it’s granted. You risk nothing for trying.

Points in your favor

- He’s IN jail, and being released. (Maaaaaany people are granted orders purely on this)
- He has a history of domestic violence / there is police record
- You’re on Legal Aid’s waitlist in order to file for divorce.