Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[courelly]

You'll be ready when you're ready. Be careful.

Thank you

 

[littleoc]

I'm sorry you ended up not being able to just now. How are you feeling?

 

[courelly]

I'm sorry you ended up not being able to just now. How are you feeling?

Mostly a lot of shame. I was sure it was time. He started crying, and telling me had nothing, and the guilt took over.

 

[Fadeaway]

They say it takes an average of 7 attempts at leaving to actually be able to do it. Just consider this a trial run.

 

[Gs172003]

Mostly a lot of shame. I was sure it was time. He started crying, and telling me had nothing, and the...

He will guilt you every time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Muttly]

Think of it as building skills. Everything you put into leaving this time, will give you more knowledge an ability to leave the next time. It is very hard situation to pull yourself out of. You will get there.

Please keep yourself as safe as possible in the mean time.

 

[Sheila_a]

We've all never met, but it feels good to read that we're thinking on each other. Me, too, I wondered how these last days went for you. I hope you make it one day.

Because your best years are NOW. What we're losing if we don't act is the present time. The past isn't there anymore, we cannot lose that. And I don't approve to that general opinion, our best years were those of youth. Not at all.

You'll be ready when you're ready. Be careful.

A very good friend once told me: If you are not ready to leave, it seems you'll need to suffer a little longer.

 

[courelly]

They say it takes an average of 7 attempts at leaving to actually be able to do it. Just consider this...

This would have been my 6th I think. The other times I took more serious steps, like canceling rental leases or packing up my stuff. Once I even lived with my mom for about three months, after he threatened me with a gun and grabbed me and lifted me from the ground by my shoulders. I told him that physical assault was my threshold, and I didn't feel safe living with him. During the time we were separated, he said he was going to go to therapy and work on what we termed his "anger issue" at the time - I know better now of course. After we moved back in together (he hadn't gone to therapy or done any work on said "anger issue"), he was more punishing and frightening than ever, and physically assaulted me in more escalated ways.

I thought it would get easier to take steps to leave as time goes on, but it does seem a lot harder.

He will guilt you every time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you so much for your message. You're right, he knows it's my soft spot and that he can convince me to stay by using this tool.

Think of it as building skills. Everything you put into leaving this time, will give you more knowledge...

Thank you, I know it's risky when they know you're daring to leave. I'll be careful.

We've all never met, but it feels good to read that we're thinking on each other. Me, too, I wondered...

Thank you for saying this, because I think it's one excuse I've used to give up. Even if this isn't true, I don't feel young or desirable anymore, everyone my age is newly married with kids, and I've generally felt scared of "starting over" in a culture that greatly values things I don't have (youth and babies). And it's not even that I don't want kids, actually, but I have taken great precautions to avoid having kids with someone who could potentially abuse them.

 

[scout86]

Don't underestimate the value of your life. And that includes the value of living it as you choose.

I can't remember if I said this before. My ex & I did couples therapy for awhile. The first day, the t said there were three options. Live with things as they are, change them, or get out. (A friend, who didn't much like my ex, said, "and if you decide to stay, you don't get to bitch about it.) That's kind of where it's at. At about our third session, my ex announced he was "to old to change". I had already said living with things as they were wasn't an option. I left that session and talked to a lawyer.

If this guy has already been physical, and he's refused therapy, keep worrying on getting out.

Here's another thought. I was a bit worried about my ex. Until I realized his survival skills included luring people he wanted in to his life. He did fine. Got a ton of sympathy. Remarried in less than 2 years.

 

[littleoc]

You aren't happy in this relationship. He doesn't feel as guilty about you as you do about him.

I know you can do it, soon, even if it's hard :) you seem strong.

 

[courelly]

Don't underestimate the value of your life. And that includes the value of living it as you choose.

I...

I think my friends are very fed up with my staying. They're supportive and understanding, but I can tell it's exhausting to be my friends in this situation. It sounds like couple's therapy helped you come to a decision about what to do. He really wants to go to couple's, but I've been scared of it because I don't want to be manipulated further into staying.

You aren't happy in this relationship. He doesn't feel as guilty about you as you do about him.

I kn...

He could've fooled me! Well, he is fooling me. It's possible he's just begging to keep his meal ticket, but he goes on and on about how he's trying so hard and he just doesn't know how to communicate, he doesn't have the tools, or rather "we" don't have the tools, and please can I just spend a couple months doing couple's therapy so that I don't leave him "in pain" and if I ultimately choose to leave it can be on "good terms" because we are both "good people."

 

[littleoc]

he goes on and on about how he's trying so hard and he just doesn't know how to communicate, he doesn't have the tools, or rather "we" don't have the tools, and please can I just spend a couple months doing couple's therapy so that I don't leave him "in pain" and if I ultimately choose to leave it can be on "good terms" because we are both "good people."

So, you have to take care of ALL needs, even emotional! I thought you said you didn't have a child. (Kidding.)

He needs to grow up, for one thing. If one person wants to leave a relationship, sure, couples therapy can help, but not if it's being forced like this. What kind of person forces someone who's unhappy to stay with them? Someone who is pathetic and apparently afraid of pain. Meanwhile you have been in pain this whole time.

He's taking the focus off of the real issue, and changing your thoughts on why you're leaving. I know you're friends are frustrated, but it's because they want to see you get out of this.

He clearly isn't looking for help. So there is no reason to worry about him.