Childhood I was an anxious and angry kid, and that made me a target for abuse.

[MyWillow]

And you know what? I was the model kid. Growing up in a dysfunctional household. Pretty much straight As. Never got into trouble. Never did drugs or alcohol or played around with boys. Tightly controlled. Too good to be true. But it still was not enough for my father. I've got a degree with first class honours, Deans Award 3 years in a row, plus Honours, plus PhD not far off completion, world leading in my job but do you really think that's enough? Nope. It will never be enough. How do you think my guilt and shame and self-hatred is going? Yep, right up there with yours. Hugs if you will accept them.

 

[Rumors]

And you know what? I was the model kid. Growing up in a dysfunctional household. Pretty much straight...

Just remember that YOU accomplished all of those things...not him. Wow a PhD! Quick question, but is that enough for you?

 

[NeedingSolomon]

I can’t quite sort out the guilt and shame I feel from being a kid that struggled with anxiety and...

My heart goes out to you Justmehere. Your description is so like my son. Wishing you as much healing as possibe in time.

 

[MyWillow]

Just remember that YOU accomplished all of those things...not him. Wow a PhD! Quick question, but is tha...

Can I answer that after another 12 months in therapy? LOL

 

[Rumors]

Can I answer that after another 12 months in therapy? LOL

Punkin you can answer that whenever you find the answer. I get it. I have been there for years and am just now getting somewhere. I do think that it is good for thought. You are obviously brilliant and capable. Don't let your dad steal your thunder... it's your thunder, your PhD, and your accomplishments. Don't let him steal that from you. I am very proud for you.

 

[littleoc]

And you know what? I was the model kid. Growing up in a dysfunctional household. Pretty much straight...

Wow, awesome! :D Great job!!

 

[MyWillow]

That's the thing though.....anxious, angry, shy, model kid....it's not what you did or were to make that happen to you @Justmehere

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Maybe the abuse caused your anxiety and anger not the other way around. Worth pondering.

 

[ladee]

Hon, you 'poked the bear' to lessen your anxiety.. you knew it was coming, you just didn't know when... so by poking the bear, it was soon over with... does this make sense to you??? I did the same things.. It wasn't to be bad, or wrong, or attentions seeking.. I did it to lessen the anxiety... it didn't work for long... and I beat myself up for years for not just stopping...
But I hadn't been 'taught' anything else....so how the hell was I supposed to know how to ''stop'' doing anything.. I didn't even know when or how it got started, much less knowing how to stop it...

You are seeking answers.. and they will come. And you will be released from this burden of what was our parents responsibility all along.. and my heart broke for you when you were sharing how everyone was telling YOU how to behave, but no one said the same things to the old man...no, not one thing about this makes sense...except, that you are refusing to let it keep you in that turmoil and questioning your self to death.... I relate to this thread so much... I continued to set myself up for scapegoating for a very long time... my hope for you... is that you get your answers now, rather than later,, and things turn around for you... very proud of you for even trying to sort this out...

 

[Ms_Lemonilla]

I can’t quite sort out the guilt and shame I feel from being a kid that struggled with anxiety and...

I'm sorry you are struggling. I can relate. I was the scapegoat in my family. My siblings and parents acted like I was the biggest, most dramatic inconvenience. Ex. My mother said she had "never been angry until I was born."

One thing that helps me is remembering that the more emotion and power I give to these upsetting thoughts, the stronger they get. Sometimes I tell myself: I choose to believe that I was wronged by my family and I handled it the best I could, etc.

Whenever the worry intrudes that I'm a bad person, I remind myself of my coping statement and what I choose to believe. I have to keep reassuring myself, but it eventually eases my shame and self-loathing.

I hope that makes sense!

 

[Sideways]

We learn what ‘love’ looks like, first and foremost, from our parents. As children? We also need their attention and affection . Can’t survive without it. We actively and assertively seek it out.

What grabs mum or dads attention? Crying? Looking cute? That’s what we do. We get more sophisticated at it, but that dynamic can continue for decades.

‘Normal love’ with your dad? Was screaming and yelling and hitting and provocative behaviour. That was your normal with him.

So, you can wonder “Why did I poke the bear?” But to me? The miraculous part, and the part that proves we can heal, and change, is that at some point? You figured out that poking the bear isn’t love, it’s abuse, and that you’ve been able to choose not to, and completely abandon that behaviour as a way of demonstrating love.

Changing a fundamental, survival-based behaviour like that, that a parent has taught us from birth? That’s no small task. So, if you can, even just for breif moments between bouts of being angry at yourself - maybe try and congratulate yourself for becoming something other than who you were taught to be as a child.