Relationship Please help. Im at a loss - she makes me the target

GrayOwl

MyPTSD Pro
Things are moving at light speed.
That is part of the control that a bully exerts.
Chaos and disorder. It keeps you off your feet. It triggers your PTSD.
It compels you to react irrationally and often times capitulate to their whims.
If her PTSD, or whatever, is flaring - she is not attempting to control it , seek help, OR have a HEALTHY relationship with you or anyone else.
She is spinning out of control.

You're moving in the right direction. Steel your resolve.
I would try to continue working on my plan for a healthy life and an escape from PTSD and trauma.
That is not easy right now.
Your senses are screaming FIGHT or FLIGHT.
Go somewhere and try to calm down.
Make sure everyone is in a safe place.
Mainly, yourself first.
You're doing a great job.

Tough situation. It is. Deep breaths. Work on yourself.
You be the calm one.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I left this morning, well kicked out. Packed all my things. Same things, the catalyst was missing a tub of chicken salad to go in the refrigerator last night. I came home from the store, made dinner, put up the other refrigerator items, got kids fed and ready for bed. She was taking a bath because she wasn't feeling well. So when the chicken was found this morning it was a melt down. My relationship ending over a fight about 3 dollars sandwich fillers is a new experience. I hope I'm strong enough to steel my resolve. My anger is starting to wain and sorrow is creeping in. How do you break the cycle when an other person has this much control over you?
Congratulations on getting away from them! Sorry your going through this but maybe now you can actually breathe a sigh of relief that you've escaped.
 

SirRaabit

New Here
I see and even vaguely understand the" now you can breathe" even though at this moment it feels exactly the opposite. I'm struggling to do that even. But she's sick. She needs help. I'm just abandoning her. No one else in her life is going to help her. I know it's not MY responsibility but don't we have some shared responsibility for helping others that are alone and in pain?
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Find a place with friends who will be on your side, that you know well, who’s easy going with whom and feel comfortable with and with whom you can expect tranquility. Get there, block your phone. Distract yourself with fun things, preferentially social. The stark contrast between chaos and good, easy relationships helps.

I know it's not MY responsibility but don't we have some shared responsibility for helping others that are alone and in pain?
STOP. I know this thought. This was the avenue for me to keep coming back. And they know you have this sense of diffuse responsibility that can crystallize in them. Not even entire society can be capable to reform someone who doesn’t want help. Either she’ll reach the limit of her system and some wake up call will emerge, either it’s not gonna happen anyway, and in both cases there is nothing you can do.
 

GrayOwl

MyPTSD Pro
I know it's not MY responsibility but don't we have some shared responsibility for helping others that are alone and in pain?
For example, an epileptic having an episode, or a psychotic having a violent episode.....
Yes. Someone should help them. A trained professional. Not someone who runs in and gets brutalized during the episode. Or after. Again and again.
You have a lifetime of training and experience in reactionary/wrong thinking and experiences. Which have gotten you where?
Slow it down. Safety of you. Safety of kids. Safety of others. Trained professionals if needed.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Yes. Someone should help them. A trained professional. Not someone who runs in and gets brutalized during the episode. Or after. Again and again.
This.

Yes everyone deserves help and support, but not at another person's expense. So if you're getting hurt being their support, you aren't the right person to support them right now cos that's both harmful to you and teaches them that it's okay to act that way.

Really not your responsibility.
 

nursenurse

MyPTSD Pro
It becomes an unhealthy dynamic from your end when you say ‘I am the only one who...” Some folks need to hit the bottoms of their own barrels before they help themselves. Don’t be waiting on promises, begging, pleading etc. Block her, this sounds cruel, but do it, for the time being. It is not mean or cruel when you have had enough. You are in no position to help her at this time, and you need to be working on you without the encumberance of someone paying lip service to appease you.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
don't we have some shared responsibility for helping others that are alone and in pain?

Nope. She’s a grown up, and she is 200% responsible for kicking you out over chicken salad. Run like hell. This is crazy making. You did your due diligence. This kind of thinking is codependent as hell.


I'm just abandoning her.

Nope... you are saving yourself. This relationship is hell on your mental health and being a martyr is not romantic.
 

Friday

Moderator
I'm just abandoning her.
You can only abandon kids & pets. She’s not a child, and not a pet. Stop trying to make her one.

If you truly believe she’s incapable of taking care of herself? Report her as an unfit mother to child protective services so her children can be taken into care by the state or by other family members, and report her to the police/courts as needing 24/7 supervised care in an inpatient facility.

If you’re unwilling to do that, because it’s not that bad? Then it’s not that bad. And she IS able to take care of herself. She either just doesn’t want to, or you don’t want to let her.

If you’re not willing to stay away for your own well being? Consider what you’re teaching the children, on how we treat the people we love. Do you really want any of them dating someone who treats them, like she treats you? To come to believe they have less value than $3 worth of chicken salad?


don't want to let her go. Ive had severe depression for over 35 years. I have questioned if I've ever been happy or if I've just had periods of being content. She answered that question. She brings a light in me I've never experienced.
Well... no wonder! You’re not fighting for a brand spanking new relationship that’s only 6 months old and already eyeballs deep in abuse and other badness... you finally found a drug that works on your 35 years of depression. You’re not dating her, you’re dating a treatment.

You can take this experience a couple different ways. Either she’s the only way you’ll ever find relief from your depression, and keep chasing after her, crawling after her, no matter how often she kicks you; or that dating her was the first time you experienced relief from your depression, and now that you know it’s a very real possibility in your life? Pursue that as a goal, rather than the abusive person that you learned it was a possibility, from.
 
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