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How do you deal with people who want to fix you?

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People who want to fix others often have stuff they are avoiding themselves.

Help me? Sure. Help fix the systems that broke and did not work when trauma hit me ( us) great. Hug me, thank you! but try and fix me in a broken world? Nah, no thanks. I am working on me with my therapist, and my partner and my own resources ( including you lot) all the time.

I don’t think you need yo have experienced trauma to understand it: we ask therapists and psychiatrists to for example; but you do need empathy. ’fixing’ us is to me another example of victim blaming.
 
What constitutes fixing and why do you feel the need to run from people that in my opinion go out of the...

Zoogal, meet “codependency”....

Codependency, meet Zoogal.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can move on to the fact that codependency is a huge factor in what can possibly mess up relationships where one person has a mental health issue (or substance abuse issue), and the other person has a need to fix them.

It is not an issue of taking the good and leaving the bad. It is a horrible relationship dynamic that can be a total bitch to get out of.

I never want to be around a fixer again. It feels terrible. Instead of accepting me as I am, I am told that I am defective and need to be fixed. You end up constantly trying to improve yourself to show the fixer that you are worthy of their love. But, they always find something new in you to fix so it’s like you’re constantly chasing that dangling carrot.

Does this make sense? It’s more than just someone caring and trying to help.

Just budding in from the supporter section, if that’s ok?

As a supporter it’s a fine line, or rathe...

Fixing in this case is telling me what I need to do in order to feel better. (This friend is always asking how I am and if I say anything other than good, it’s do this or do that...)

This was also the case in my relationship last summer.

I have other friends who don’t try to fix me. They just listen or hang out with me. No fixing involved.
 
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Eve ; you are lucky and I think it shows you are certainly not in need of outside fixing that you have multiple friend groups.

I pushed dons if my friends away; scarec others away with my unconstrained behaviour and the ones that were left j realised don't were really unhealthy relationships. I have really few friends now! With a keenness for isolation that I know foesn’t help.... :( I can see why a fixer might be drawn to me but....
 
I think there's a difference between wanting to fix and wanting to help.
Applogies for a slight rant foll...

This made me cry!

My ex had problems of his own but acted superior to me. He told me that he wanted me to get better for selfish reasons, because he wanted a future with me. I was stupid and thought how sweet. It hurts so bad because I accepted him exactly as he was, but he couldn’t accept me. My Fawn instinct kicked into overdrive and for quite a few months I was telling him “I can change!” and doing everything I could to try and make him happy so he would love me.

Maybe I’m going off the deep end here and throwing the baby out with the bath water because my friend is not my ex. Thank you for making me realize this. I’m still having urges to just ghost because I can’t handle it right now. I won’t kick him out of my life though.

I have to stop for now. I’ll read the rest of the responses later. I am overwhelmed. I hope everyone understands.
 
@EveHarrington yeah I get it. I find if someone cannot see past my damage to the real me...or accept that I am working on it then 'we' cannot be friends. (sigh) But then again I don't tell anyone I have PTSD. Trying to change me by demanding...frightens me off. Hence I have a lot of acquaintances but nothing more. Not enemy's - definitely not into going that far.

Romantic relationships...another whole area but I think the same underlying principles apply.
 
What do you when people try to fix you? How do you react?
Validate that they care, set boundaries, and tell them what is more helpful. “I need someone to listen without giving advice.” If needed, I’ll reassure them, “I have the help I need, thanks.”

Part of getting out of codependency is not reacting to others reactions. People may still want to try to fix. I repeat the steps above and to some degree, I let them want to fix, and focus on managing myself and my life. Not managing them or changing them. It’s similar to what to do in the other side when wanting to fix people. So don’t try to fix their desire to fix. Instead, hold your own space and boundaries about your own life, and what you can and can not do.
 
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