How do you find hope?

[SeekingAfrica]

Things have been hard for a long time. I keep trying but it's exhausting when you put a lot of effort to just keep above water but yet know that if you don't, you drown. Things have been hard for a while.


I'm trying to keep going. I no longer feel completely done and helpless like I did last summer, when it felt like I was counting hours and latching onto anything that would give me any joy at all. It's not like that now. But it is tiring to have spend so many years and failed so many times at certain life things some people just do like it's a stepping stone, like it's a basic first step for them yet keeps getting out of reach for me.

And I've done things I'm not proud of (like racking debt to pay daily bills because I was too depressed, anxious and hypervigolant to earn enough) to survive, and hence been called names for it. I've been ashamed of core things I've had to live with to keep going.

How do I believe I can change after everything? Or that I deserve to? It's making me feel like horrible human which makes me feel like I Don't deserve to change(and maybe that's true anyhow- but if I think this way about myself it's making it pretty impossible to set goals and take actions towards future I'm not sure I deserve.


I know the theory of it, if I work for the change I seek then I can earn it. But how do I earn anything if I feel too low to even try? There will be hard conversations on this journey and many steps and how do I achieve anything if every unkind word I hear, deserved or not, goes through me like a bullet and I can't move or sleep or believe in trying?

I feel so freaking low tonight, so caught in this magic circle or deserving nothing, needing to do better to change the situation but single words crushing me into depressed days when I just can't be bothered trying?

Do I make any sense? This is not about wanting to end anything, it's about wanting to live but constantly getting stuck. In theory cut and goals and whatever should help but how van I believe in change?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

You are making perfect sense. Through out my life I have experienced times when I have been totally overwhelmed by my present circumstances. The negative is just too much to deal with. So what I do is little things that I can do. I make my bed as soon as I get up. I open the blinds. I do tasks like doing the dishes because even a little accomplishment is a step in the right direction. I try to get outside everyday and I exercise. I walk in nature. I try to not look at the big picture, I just look at what I am doing in the moment. Things start to improve and I feel stronger so I do more. Then a few months down the road I look back and see all that I have done and I feel like my life is getting back on track.

 

[arfie]

gratitude lists and prayer are my go-to sources of hope. i find little morsels of hope every time i take the time to appreciate something - anything - around me. when i am feeling too bleak to find appreciation inside me, i pray for hope.

doing a good turn for someone else can also be a great source of hope. i like to play a support group game called, "secret samaritan." in this game, i secretly do something nice for the world around me. if someone catches me in the act, it doesn't count. try again.

 

[Friday]

I feel so freaking low tonight, so caught in this magic circle or deserving nothing, needing to do better to change the situation but single words crushing me into depressed days when I just can't be bothered trying?

That sounds like you’ve got too much hope… as the flip side is that when one’s hopes don’t materialise? Arbitrarily??? Feeling as badly about something that hasn’t happened, or worse, than feeling good about something that hasn’t happened… so you’re being gutted, by something that. has. not. happened.

I’ve seen the loss of hope kill sooooooo many people… when. absolutely. nothing. has. changed. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Today? Is no different than yesterday.This moment? No dofferent than 2 minutes ago. Except??? That yesterday -or 2 minutes ago- they were riding high on hope, and today -in this moment- they’re crushed by despair. Not because of anything real. Only because ANY emotion/belief naturally ebbs and flows and is unsustainable.

So, personally? I only HOPE for shit I DGAF about, and am unwilling to act on, for whatever reason.

Finding REAL things to take joy in? Even if it’s just the weight of the spoon in my hand, or the cant of sunlight, or crispness of the air… gives me soooooooo much better returns. Little things. REAL things. Even real imaginary things, like a book or film or daydream.

Hope? Can f*ck right off. Even sick/injured/miserable I’ve got thousands of things to feel GOOD about, in an average day. Ignoring today to be thrilled/despairing about what I DO NOT HAVE? Is a suckers game. I have finite emotional resources. I have to spend them wisely. I choose to spend them in revelling, as much as humanly possible.

Seriously. Try hedonism for a day, or three. Every single thing you do, today, find the joy in it. Even if you’re curled up, miserable, in a blanket watching a movie, or listening to music. The texture/warmth of the blanket. The shape of your lips under your knuckles, the sharpness of your teeth. The scent in the air. Anything. Everything. Real. In this moment. What is amazing? What is worth remembering? What makes THIS experience memorable, delightful, better? (Comparing and contrasting, if you cannot make THIS experience better -and DO try to better any/all experiences- think of the last time you were soaking wet & cold, when you’re warm & dry, kind of thing).

f*ck Hope. (And despair).

Fierce Joy. Find that.

 

[torturedsoul4]

Things have been hard for a long time. I keep trying but it's exhausting when you put a lot of effort to just keep above water but yet know that if you don't, you drown. Things have been hard for a while.


I'm trying to keep going. I no longer feel completely done and helpless like I did last summer, when it felt like I was counting hours and latching onto anything that would give me any joy at all. It's not like that now. But it is tiring to have spend so many years and failed so many times at certain life things some people just do like it's a stepping stone, like it's a basic first step for them yet keeps getting out of reach for me.

And I've done things I'm not proud of (like racking debt to pay daily bills because I was too depressed, anxious and hypervigolant to earn enough) to survive, and hence been called names for it. I've been ashamed of core things I've had to live with to keep going.

How do I believe I can change after everything? Or that I deserve to? It's making me feel like horrible human which makes me feel like I Don't deserve to change(and maybe that's true anyhow- but if I think this way about myself it's making it pretty impossible to set goals and take actions towards future I'm not sure I deserve.


I know the theory of it, if I work for the change I seek then I can earn it. But how do I earn anything if I feel too low to even try? There will be hard conversations on this journey and many steps and how do I achieve anything if every unkind word I hear, deserved or not, goes through me like a bullet and I can't move or sleep or believe in trying?

I feel so freaking low tonight, so caught in this magic circle or deserving nothing, needing to do better to change the situation but single words crushing me into depressed days when I just can't be bothered trying?

Do I make any sense? This is not about wanting to end anything, it's about wanting to live but constantly getting stuck. In theory cut and goals and whatever should help but how van I believe in change?

Many things written here I resonate with...hang in there too, ok

 

[mamachick]

I hear your thoughts giving you a big whooping. Things you feel ashamed of, racking up debt because of . depression. Then you were called names, when you already felt shame about it. Your wondering if you can change, if you deserve to, and it seems that there is a record playing in your head that is very punishing. Either self criticism, self doubt, and maybe self destruction. You didnt chose to have depression and anxiety. So you racked up debt, thats minor thing that can always be fixed even if it takes time. Can you challenge this and keep it in perspective? In the scheme of life, how bad is running up debt when you have depression and anxiety? And people who would call you names for it....are not worth considering. I do think you are going to have to catch yourself with those negative thoughts about yourself until this passes. If you can try to think of something you do like about yourself, something of comfort, a warm hug, anything you can visualize, practice that when negative thoughts come. I like what others said, when you do one little thing, and tomorrow another, months down the road you will see progress. Right now may not be the time to ponder successes. You deserve change and happiness as much as anyone. As @Friday said, just focus on what feels good, let yourself experience that for that moment.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Things have been hard for a long time. I keep trying but it's exhausting when you put a lot of effort to just keep above water but yet know that if you don't, you drown. Things have been hard for a while.


I'm trying to keep going. I no longer feel completely done and helpless like I did last summer, when it felt like I was counting hours and latching onto anything that would give me any joy at all. It's not like that now. But it is tiring to have spend so many years and failed so many times at certain life things some people just do like it's a stepping stone, like it's a basic first step for them yet keeps getting out of reach for me.

And I've done things I'm not proud of (like racking debt to pay daily bills because I was too depressed, anxious and hypervigolant to earn enough) to survive, and hence been called names for it. I've been ashamed of core things I've had to live with to keep going.

How do I believe I can change after everything? Or that I deserve to? It's making me feel like horrible human which makes me feel like I Don't deserve to change(and maybe that's true anyhow- but if I think this way about myself it's making it pretty impossible to set goals and take actions towards future I'm not sure I deserve.


I know the theory of it, if I work for the change I seek then I can earn it. But how do I earn anything if I feel too low to even try? There will be hard conversations on this journey and many steps and how do I achieve anything if every unkind word I hear, deserved or not, goes through me like a bullet and I can't move or sleep or believe in trying?

I feel so freaking low tonight, so caught in this magic circle or deserving nothing, needing to do better to change the situation but single words crushing me into depressed days when I just can't be bothered trying?

Do I make any sense? This is not about wanting to end anything, it's about wanting to live but constantly getting stuck. In theory cut and goals and whatever should help but how van I believe in change?

@SeekingAfrica
What you have written could have come from my brain lately! The one thing I changed was that I started listening to motivational speakers whether I wanted to or not. I use earphones so that covers my own mental noise and I have begun a morning routine. I knew something good had to literally shout into my brain to make any changes. Pain is my motivation, unfortunately.
But I know that I had to create good habits to reset after the rugged holidays and in my season of grieving.

You haven’t given up and I think that alone deserves recognition, respect and MORE recognition!!!! Choosing to stay requires more strength than anyone knows unless they have experienced the deep desire to not wake up.

One day at a time until…the fight is worth it!
Love, hugs, and vibes of peace and comfort

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

That sounds like you’ve got too much hope… as the flip side is that when one’s hopes don’t materialise? Arbitrarily??? Feeling as badly about something that hasn’t happened, or worse, than feeling good about something that hasn’t happened… so you’re being gutted, by something that. has. not. happened.

I’ve seen the loss of hope kill sooooooo many people… when. absolutely. nothing. has. changed. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Today? Is no different than yesterday.This moment? No dofferent than 2 minutes ago. Except??? That yesterday -or 2 minutes ago- they were riding high on hope, and today -in this moment- they’re crushed by despair. Not because of anything real. Only because ANY emotion/belief naturally ebbs and flows and is unsustainable.

So, personally? I only HOPE for shit I DGAF about, and am unwilling to act on, for whatever reason.

Finding REAL things to take joy in? Even if it’s just the weight of the spoon in my hand, or the cant of sunlight, or crispness of the air… gives me soooooooo much better returns. Little things. REAL things. Even real imaginary things, like a book or film or daydream.

Hope? Can f*ck right off. Even sick/injured/miserable I’ve got thousands of things to feel GOOD about, in an average day. Ignoring today to be thrilled/despairing about what I DO NOT HAVE? Is a suckers game. I have finite emotional resources. I have to spend them wisely. I choose to spend them in revelling, as much as humanly possible.

Seriously. Try hedonism for a day, or three. Every single thing you do, today, find the joy in it. Even if you’re curled up, miserable, in a blanket watching a movie, or listening to music. The texture/warmth of the blanket. The shape of your lips under your knuckles, the sharpness of your teeth. The scent in the air. Anything. Everything. Real. In this moment. What is amazing? What is worth remembering? What makes THIS experience memorable, delightful, better? (Comparing and contrasting, if you cannot make THIS experience better -and DO try to better any/all experiences- think of the last time you were soaking wet & cold, when you’re warm & dry, kind of thing).

f*ck Hope. (And despair).

Fierce Joy. Find that.

@Friday This might be the best thing you’ve written! Great advice I will take to heart myself!