Yes. Completely normal. This is why it is going to be important right now to work on your self care, doing things that make you happy with friends and family, and being in a good place for him for when he returns to you. It is going to feel so tough and almost impossible but you can do it. Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD can actually be a life-changing experience for the supporter, giving them the chance to grow as a person. It has forced me to confront a lot of my fears about abandonment and learn a lot of things about myself. Does that make sense?
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Relationship New to this and feeling very alone
- Post starter RN_Loving_A_Vet
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Freida
VIP Member
Because we expend an incredible, exhausting amount of energy pretending we are ok. My facade is all important - I will NOT let people, even those I love, see the bad or failure in me. And ptsd? Its the bad in me. That's part of the confusion for supporters I think. You look at us as brave and survivors and blah blah. I look at myself as someone who lost, who is a huge wuss, who couldn't protect herself, blah blah. PTSD is often caused because there was no support after the trauma. You are expected to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. So relying on someone, trusting someone? Yea -- not gonna happen,
And when I get bad (3 times a year) I don't know how I'm going to react. So its better that I isolate away from my loved ones until it's over. Doesn't mean I don't love them. Means I'm not safe around them. And no matter how hard they beat there heads against the wall they can't make me believe they will still love me if I let my ugly out.
headshrinker89
Bronze Member
At this point in the game, I would say yes, its his PTSD doing the talking. Remember his PTSD has been triggered, which means that certain neurotransmitters on his brain are wide open right now and not shutting off. Kind of like a water hose analogy, at times water is gushing out of the hose and then other times its a slow leak, sometimes just a drip, but there is still water that is coming through...there is still a build of pressure "inside" the hose. His PTSD has been triggered, so at times his symptoms are very apparent and easy to see (hose on at full blast). Other times his PTSD isn't too surface level but he might be slightly moody or off that day (hose slowly leaking). Another day, he might seem to be fine, even better, but one tiny thing can set him off and he can become dramatic. You'll look at him and think "why is your response so extra right now? why are you talking this way to me?" You might not have seen the trigger, you might be thinking his reaction came way from left field, but in reality its his PTSD that is still left on; there is still some water (PTSD/emotions) from the hose (internal/heart/head) even a tiny bit, can eventually build up and cause an intense reaction.
Ummm yes. ALL. THE. TIME. I struggle daily with this; each morning I get up, to every night I go to bed. Before this its not like my whole world was focused around my Vet, I come from a great family, have friends, getting my Master's degree, career job, but with him...he was my best friend, my partner, my person..the only thing in my life that made sense; first person I was falling in love with (I'm 28 so I was very serious about us). After a shitty day at work (I too work in medicine) I could go to his place and just have this huge sigh of relief that would come over me right as I would be walking to his front door. So, when that was taken away, I felt (still feel currently) VERY off balanced and I don't feel complete. I've gone through close death, and the grieving process seems to be the same, at least for me.
I know that I am responding to this push back from my Vet as a death....I can see myself going through the stages of grief. But dealing specifically with PTSD its different....they're alive but forcing you out of their life for the time, that's so painful. It hurts so bad sometimes, I feel crazy...I feel like the one who has PTSD because my emotions can be all over the freaking map sometimes! Simply put: that's just your heart breaking - as a Psychiatrist (I work with) put it to me. You are so not alone with your feelings and how your explain them.
Regardless if they are aware of what they are doing or not....its still painful as hell. It makes you question everything about yourself, it starts to affect your other relationships, and if you have dx depression/anxiety already (like me) they get triggered and makes everything worse.
Give yourself some grace and time to be emotional. Go be pissed off. Go cry your eyes out. Go in your car, scream, and drive around (make sure people don't see you though, so maybe at night lol). It's okay to be angry with him. Its okay to be pissed. The key is to not let your emotions consume you, those emotions are okay for certain times, but to be a supporter through this...you will need to be the one who is the less emotional one or appear like you are. Fake it till you make, mentality. I made the mistake the first few times my Vet pushed me away...I added fuel to the fire by being too emotional with him. He was a source of comfort before, he was always related to good emotions/feelings in my life. So when his PTSD got triggered, that changed, I still expected him to be the way he was, which was not fair for him.
His triggered PTSD is causing his negative emotions to be all the time...he is having a difficult time understanding what he is feeling, why is feeling it, and how to stop it. It's not fair, for us as the supporters, to expect a Vet with triggered PTSD to have rational thoughts or to expect them to be more in control of their feelings. The person with PTSD doesn't want to be so emotional either, they also want to be more in control of their feelings, but they just cant right now..they don't have the capacity to do that. They are like that hose that keeps dripping, they want to turn off the water, they want the water to stop dripping, but they don't know how to do that, they are wondering around trying to find the spicket in order to turn off the water supply but they are looking in all the wrong places. You might need to help search for the spicket with him, you both will need to team up to cut off that source of water (PTSD) together because clearly him doing it alone, ain't workin.
I would never say all these things if there was abuse occurring. There is a fine line between allowing your Vet to be kind of shitty, be sort of mean, to say not nice things, push you away, but there's a HUGE difference when the Vet turns abusive - physically, emotionally, and verbally. Don't allow him to be abusive and do/say whatever (not saying your Vet is doing this, nor from what I read do I see him as being abusive)...my point is that you will need to be the stronger one of the two right now. You are going to the be the one to carry you both through this because you don't have PTSD. As a soldier, its his job to lead, be strong, to be the one in control of his emotions....but right now he isn't that person, he doesn't like that person. He most likely feels embarrassed and ashamed right now for "letting his emotions do this" but that's just PTSD for ya...it creates an internal environment of emotional chaos.
headshrinker89
Bronze Member
omg yesssssss. this. I struggled with feelings of loneliness and being alone most of my life (28 now) but by dating a PTSD sufferer has helped with that in a weird roundabout way. First time my Vet pushed my away due to his PTSD...my attachment issues were through the roof on the daily. But after being pushed away again a few more times, the entire process has forced me to confront my feelings of loneliness and embrace them. I still HATE the feeling of being lonely....but its not such a burden or worry anymore. I know how to push myself through those feelings, I know what to look for, I know my limit now and when I should ask for some help. Before dating my Vet, that was very hard to do, even as someone going through my own therapy.
Loving someone with PTSD is miserable at times, but as supporters, it can help mold us in to being some of the strongest and most empathetic people.
- Post starter
- #18
RN_Loving_A_Vet
Bronze Member
@anon1234
Today, I made the decision to do exactly that... work on my self-care. From tedious tasks such as an oil change to taking a spontaneous road trip to get away, I realize I have to make time for myself or I will wind up on my bed, in the fetal position, waiting for the hurt to go away. And I cannot do that to myself or to those who love me, including my Vet. What you said makes complete sense to me and I thank you so much for every word!!!
Today, I made the decision to do exactly that... work on my self-care. From tedious tasks such as an oil change to taking a spontaneous road trip to get away, I realize I have to make time for myself or I will wind up on my bed, in the fetal position, waiting for the hurt to go away. And I cannot do that to myself or to those who love me, including my Vet. What you said makes complete sense to me and I thank you so much for every word!!!
@RN_Loving_A_Vet you are welcome. I come at this from experience. It has not been easy and I have often slipped into a place of fear. The bigger perspective is that it isn't you, and by taking the time for yourself you are not only showing him that you are strong but you are also readying yourself for being the person you need to be to support him through this lifelong journey.
- Post starter
- #20
RN_Loving_A_Vet
Bronze Member
@Freida
My heart aches for each and every sufferer and supporter. For anyone to feel like a failure, a loser, or to feel like a bad person because of the way they feel and because they may not have control over those feelings - just breaks my heart. But I've said it before and I will say it again, I am so glad I have found this safe place to come to and speak to amazing human beings because regardless of what you are each experiencing, you take the time to support and encourage me and to give me an insight that I never would have found on my own. Thank you, again and again, from the very depths of my heart for opening up and sharing with me so that I too can understand. You are truly a wonderful person!
My heart aches for each and every sufferer and supporter. For anyone to feel like a failure, a loser, or to feel like a bad person because of the way they feel and because they may not have control over those feelings - just breaks my heart. But I've said it before and I will say it again, I am so glad I have found this safe place to come to and speak to amazing human beings because regardless of what you are each experiencing, you take the time to support and encourage me and to give me an insight that I never would have found on my own. Thank you, again and again, from the very depths of my heart for opening up and sharing with me so that I too can understand. You are truly a wonderful person!
- Post starter
- #21
RN_Loving_A_Vet
Bronze Member
@anon1234 I think that may be one of the harder concepts to grasp, that it isn't me. Logically I know that nothing I could have said or done would change what is happening. But the nurse in me, the fixer, wants to believe there was something I missed and I should've done differently. With that being said, I believe you are so very wise and I agree that my strength is important for myself, for him and for this lifelong journey.
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
I put these 3 quotes here to help me answer your last question.
If his PTSD is from childhood trauma and not from his service then that tells me he is not “service connected” for PTSD.
If he was discharged for bad shoulders and bad knees, is he “service connected” for them? The reason I ask is, if he is, that tells me he is likely enrolled in the VA Health system in a Priority Group 4 or higher.
If he is not in the VA Health system, as an honorably discharged veteran, he should enroll.
That said, you use the term “VA rep”. He does not need a “VA rep” to make an appointment for VA Health services, including Mental Health. He just calls and makes an appointment. I’ve never heard the term VA rep but I’m thinking he is referring to a VSO (Veteran Service Officer) and those folks are generally used by veterans to help them navigate the VA Benefits side if he were submitting a claim for compensation based on a service connected injury which could include PTSD. But you said his PTSD is childhood based trauma.
Now, that said, if he believes he has PTSD from his experiences in the service, then yes, a VA Rep or VSO is a good thing to have for the benefits (compensation) side but if he is seeking mental health care from the VA health side, he just needs to make an appointment on his own.
I hope this answers your question about the VA. Take care. I wish you and your Veteran well.
- Post starter
- #23
RN_Loving_A_Vet
Bronze Member
@headshrinker89
The analogy of a water hose is quite perfect to help explain as well as help me understand that his PTSD is doing the talking. At times his hose is on full blast whereas others, it is apparent there is a slow leak. For the two weeks prior to his decision to break it off for the time being, he had a vast array of different presentations of emotions. There were days when he was the man I fell in love with but then there were moments when I wasn't sure I knew him at all. It's a sad, terrifying moment when you suddenly feel as though your entire relationship wasn't what you thought and that was my internal emotional reaction. I have since realized that it was just a reaction to the heartbreak.
Now you mention triggers and I have read about triggers but I find myself still confused at times. He has told me in the past of his need to scan his surroundings when out in public as well as how fireworks alarm him. Those seem quite obvious to me for someone in such a hypervigilant state. With that being said, are triggers always uncovered? And is that something we as supporters can and should be on the lookout for or is that something else entirely out of our control?
Is it normal for the supporter to feel empty at times, completely confused and lost, and devoid of any hope?
Although it is not the best feeling to have, it gives me comfort to know I am not alone in feeling empty, confused, lost, and hopeless at times. This is all very new to me as well. I come from a great, supportive family, have a few very close friends, am working on my career as an RN and furthering my education. Then this wonderful man came back into my life. Ironically, we grew up together but went to different schools in town but he was my first crush as a little girl. We both grew up, became adults, took different paths and he walked back into my life almost two years ago and I knew, and he did as well, that this was it for both of us. We have been through so much together as a couple and as independent individuals but have always been there to support each other. He too is the first man I've ever fallen in love with. I had very immature relationships in the past when I thought I knew what love was, but I never truly loved until he came into my life. It just hurts so much that he felt the best thing to do for now was walk away. Now I consider myself very lucky that he has not shut me out completely. He has texted and called each day and I have been doing my best to keep my emotions intact and to try to be strong, but it is so hard because I just miss the heck out of him.
I've definitely experienced moments of being so angry and pissed off. I've driven my car all over the place, windows down and music up. I've sobbed and ugly cried more than I ever have in my life. But, I am waking up each morning, getting myself out of bed, and taking care of what I need to do in order for my life to continue on the right track so that I can be strong... for myself, for him, for the future. I like the, "fake it till you make it" mentality because that is exactly what I've been practicing when speaking to him. Because I know if I become too emotional, he will shut down, tell me to "stop" and remind me that I need to listen to what he says and that he will come back.
You continue to open my eyes to thoughts and ideas I was unable to consider on my own. I believe I did expect him to have rational thoughts and be more in control of his feelings; however, now that I know more than I ever did before, I realize how truly unfair and unrealistic that is. For whatever reason, the thoughts they have make complete sense to them and the way they act in response to those thoughts also makes sense to them. I want nothing more than to help him search for that spicket to cut off the source of water because he cannot do this on his own, but I know he needs to do it with help and support from professionals before he will be able to bring me back in fully.
The analogy of a water hose is quite perfect to help explain as well as help me understand that his PTSD is doing the talking. At times his hose is on full blast whereas others, it is apparent there is a slow leak. For the two weeks prior to his decision to break it off for the time being, he had a vast array of different presentations of emotions. There were days when he was the man I fell in love with but then there were moments when I wasn't sure I knew him at all. It's a sad, terrifying moment when you suddenly feel as though your entire relationship wasn't what you thought and that was my internal emotional reaction. I have since realized that it was just a reaction to the heartbreak.
Now you mention triggers and I have read about triggers but I find myself still confused at times. He has told me in the past of his need to scan his surroundings when out in public as well as how fireworks alarm him. Those seem quite obvious to me for someone in such a hypervigilant state. With that being said, are triggers always uncovered? And is that something we as supporters can and should be on the lookout for or is that something else entirely out of our control?
Is it normal for the supporter to feel empty at times, completely confused and lost, and devoid of any hope?
Although it is not the best feeling to have, it gives me comfort to know I am not alone in feeling empty, confused, lost, and hopeless at times. This is all very new to me as well. I come from a great, supportive family, have a few very close friends, am working on my career as an RN and furthering my education. Then this wonderful man came back into my life. Ironically, we grew up together but went to different schools in town but he was my first crush as a little girl. We both grew up, became adults, took different paths and he walked back into my life almost two years ago and I knew, and he did as well, that this was it for both of us. We have been through so much together as a couple and as independent individuals but have always been there to support each other. He too is the first man I've ever fallen in love with. I had very immature relationships in the past when I thought I knew what love was, but I never truly loved until he came into my life. It just hurts so much that he felt the best thing to do for now was walk away. Now I consider myself very lucky that he has not shut me out completely. He has texted and called each day and I have been doing my best to keep my emotions intact and to try to be strong, but it is so hard because I just miss the heck out of him.
I've definitely experienced moments of being so angry and pissed off. I've driven my car all over the place, windows down and music up. I've sobbed and ugly cried more than I ever have in my life. But, I am waking up each morning, getting myself out of bed, and taking care of what I need to do in order for my life to continue on the right track so that I can be strong... for myself, for him, for the future. I like the, "fake it till you make it" mentality because that is exactly what I've been practicing when speaking to him. Because I know if I become too emotional, he will shut down, tell me to "stop" and remind me that I need to listen to what he says and that he will come back.
You continue to open my eyes to thoughts and ideas I was unable to consider on my own. I believe I did expect him to have rational thoughts and be more in control of his feelings; however, now that I know more than I ever did before, I realize how truly unfair and unrealistic that is. For whatever reason, the thoughts they have make complete sense to them and the way they act in response to those thoughts also makes sense to them. I want nothing more than to help him search for that spicket to cut off the source of water because he cannot do this on his own, but I know he needs to do it with help and support from professionals before he will be able to bring me back in fully.
- Post starter
- #24
RN_Loving_A_Vet
Bronze Member
Days seem longer, sleep seems like only a dream. And today emotions overwhelmed me and I cried and cried and cried some more. He says I love you every day, but he stopped calling me babe, baby, love. Foolish to think those names would continue when he decided he had to walk away, right? I've got to hope that this again is typical, normal, something I should expect and anticipate for now because he is not himself. It's a definite disservice to myself and to the hope of us working out to analyze every word he does say and every word he does not. But I am struggling with how to keep my emotions in check when I speak to him, because all I want to do is remind him of so many things so he doesn't forget. This is so hard and the comfort and support I find is here for the time being. My friends don't understand and struggling to encourage and support me. And my dear, wonderful parents try so very hard but they are emotionally impacted by this as well because they love my guy too. Just trying to hold on. Trying to be hopeful. Simply trying today.
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