Saying goodbye to friends

[Freida]

But I am making family...trusted friends who are kind....and caring....the ones I choose.

I was very lucky to come from a happy, stable family but my mom was not. She cut all contact with everyone in her family when I was very young due to the abuse she suffered at their hands. She always told me -- you will have two families in your life.
The one you are related to by blood and the one you choose. Make sure you only keep the ones who make you happen into your life, regardless of how you got them.

 

[pamcoco]

Yes. I totally understand. I believe it is important to evaluate relationships based on the triggers and trauma.

One of my assaults was by a friend of 15 years, and his wife was one of my close friends. I knew this couple from their relative, one of my best friends. I was extremely close to an entire circle of relatives and people surrounding us. This best friend was also an extremely powerful person in the industry I worked in. So there were all of the work relationships too.

He had drugged and raped me, so it took me a bit of time to piece together events and find confidence in the truth. As soon as I did, I knew I had to let ALL of them go, including work peeps. It was not healthy for me to debate his claims, listen to back handed comments gracefully blaming me so they could feel more comfortable with him. I felt it necessary to disclose to his wife because they have a daughter together, although I also knew she wouldn’t believe me, which she didn’t. But besides for this disclosure, I have never spoken to any of them again.

This was one of the best decision I made in the aftermath of the assaults. I am super grateful to myself for not needing them to agree, approve or acknowledge anything. Denial is simply human nature I have found.

 

[Mee]

Thsg seems such a beautifully healthy attitude pamcoco. I think it's one I would make more easily before ptsd? I have left difficult situations before with out looking back or feeling ’vulnerable’ or ’invalidated’. My guess wax it was something connected with the PTSD reaction that was making this so much more difficult?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Just put daughter on back burner so to speak. She triggers me and where she is with her PTSD, all about herself and where I am with mine, standing up for myself and setting boundaries-a new behavior not being tolerated well. I've tried reaching out but I find we cannot travel the same path right now. It makes me sad, so sad. Without her in my life, I am alone...but maybe that is where I need to be. I do recognize what we have isn't working and no matter how hard I try, we can't have a healthy relationship when we aren't in a place to be.

 

[pamcoco]

My guess wax it was something connected with the PTSD reaction that was making this so much more difficult?

That makes perfect sense, Mee.
So with that let me confess that there were all the other friends in my life. I clung to them as if my life depended on it because I was devastated by all the loss. For me ptsd has been an experience of loss more than anything. Loss in what I thought was true, who I thought I was, who I thought I would be, who I thought others were.....
Ironically over time, some immediately, some slowly, all of my other friends abandoned ship. In most of these cases they were doing me more harm than good but I held on. I currently have 3 people, that I rarely speak with but I still consider friends.
So yes, I agree, it is often hard to let them go, even when it's healing.....

 

[Mee]

Pamcoco;. This I identify with incredibly well. Thank you for your candid ness.

 

[mumstheword]

I have. When I left my abusive long-term relationship I left both the town we lived in and the soci...

Just an update :-) I'm out of hospital about 4 weeks now and it did help me handle being in this town, enough to be running around, getting help to move out of this town.

I've certainly made a lot of headway, but I still desperately want to move, as soon as I'm able. I'll be back for visits but can't wait to move.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I've gone through many "cycles" of friends. I've tried to return to the ones from high school and college and found I could no longer connect with them. Our worlds and experiences were too far apart. Many of them had no idea what I went through in my family. Not a clue.

I just recently got rid of one friend because she was toxic; things she said and did where she purposely tried to trigger me.

My PTSD has had a lot do with who I choose as friends.

I also made a complete disconnect from my family of origin (FOO) due to their toxicity. So I chose my new family, my husband and his sons, as my family. Making that transition was not easy yet necessary. One of my Ts from years ago encouraged me to disconnect myself from my FOO because it was ruled by my narcissistic mother. Best thing I ever did even though it was not the easiest thing I ever did.