Confronting my mother but don’t want to hurt her

[Bird33]

i am going to talk to my mother this week. I have been feeling really angry (and I don’t do anger). I never let anyone know I am angry, I usually just push it down. I have been avoiding my parents. I used to talk to them and see them regularly but the past 6 months or s I just don’t want to see them and I feel guilty for that.
I don’t know how to talk to my mother and let her know I am angry about my childhood without hurting her. That’s not my goal. I want to ask questions and talk openly but my mother usually gets very defensive and turns things to herself. To her abuse or can get very dramatic.
Does anyone have any tips on how to approach this or what I should even ask. I just feel the need to talk to her about it but I don’t really know what I want to find out.

 

[void]

my mother

Was she your primary abuser?

 

[Bird33]

@void No, it was my grandfather her father. She knew because he sexually abused her. She also knew because my grandfather burned me and she never did anything when I showed her the burns. She just avoided everything.

 

[Swift]

Hey from one bird named commenter to another.
The title of your thread hit me hard and the posts hit me harder.
It was deeply wrong of your mother to not protect you.
What's she likely to do, if you broach the subject? Minimize, dismiss, rage, make it all about her, make it all your fault, tell you you're lying, or any other possible response?
And what are you hoping to gain from the conversation?

Are you in a place where you can handle what happens, emotionally and/or physically?
Like, from what you've told me, your mother is not a safe quantity, and I feel like I should tell you to look out for your safety. Whether that's emotional or physical, that's your main priority.
Also, it may not be possible not.to make your mother angry.
Her feelings are her problem.
It's a compassionate impulse to care about them, but they can't be your main priority, otherwise it'll all go south and do you more damage.
If your mum's anything like mine, thinking of her feelings and not considering my own is second nature. I love my mother, but I've gotta be able to look after me.

 

[Intrepid]

It took a long time for my mom to talk about the abuse I experienced. She was the primary abuser, but grandpa got his hands on me too. She also was sexually and physically abused by her father.
I liked it when she talked about her own abuse, but then she rarely got dramatic. When I talked about the abuse she did on me she got defensive. Still, it helped verify the abuse. I dissociated a lot and needed to hear her admit what happened, even if she felt justified by her own bad experiences or by her belief that what she did to me was necessary.

 

[Mee]

I would suggest having an emotional plan for self care should you not be heard or if she gives you responses you feel difficult to tolerate for whatever reason.

Be safe

 

[Still Standing]

Your post makes my heart beat faster. Approaching your mom or dad for that matter can be very traumatic and difficult, especially if they are given to dismissing hard topics. Would it be possible to do this in another way? Does your mom know you are in counseling? If so, could you engage your mom by asking her if she has ever thought about letting someone help her heal the wounds of her own abuse? Then you could respond to her that this is what you are doing for yourself. Can you pull her into this type of approach without being accusatory toward her about the abuse but, instead do it with an air of camaraderie? Her dad abused her and in her pain and fear of her dad, your grandfather, she was unable to protect you from him. See her as a victim, too, not excusing her though, but make yourself equal to her, comparing the hurts you both deal with now. If she knows it is safe to talk to you perhaps she will be more willing to discuss things with you. I say this, because toward the end of my dad's life, I told him I had forgiven him for all the physical abuse and hurts he inflicted on me. Once he heard that, he came and spent a full day at my house and we talked about my life from a baby to the current time. In that he spoke freely about things that I did not know but gave me fuller understanding for why he did what he did. It was a conversation that I will always be thankful for and it was done in a safe environment that he could say the hard things that needed to be said, for him. This conversation would never have happened if I had approached it with anger, fault-finding, etc. Give you desire to talk some thought in your approach. However you try to engage, do it in a safe manner for both you and your mom. It may end up being a process instead of a one-time encounter. But, kudos to you for wanting to engage.

 

[Bird33]

@Swift Everything you said is what I am thinking. My mom will probably start talking about her abuse. I don’t know why I want this conversation but I have been thinking about it for a while and just feel like I NEED to do it. I think I am in a good place to do it emotionally but I guess you can never know bc you really can’t be sure of her reaction and my own reaction. It really just depends on what happens.
And your right I can’t control her feelings. I always tend to worry about others feelings to the fault of holding back my own.

@Intrepid im sorry about what happened to you. But I agree I want to hear about it. Somehow it makes me feel better. I always felt like everyone thought I was lying even though I have a couple of scars that say otherwise and you can’t deny.
My mom was also abusive to me too. Only a few times though but it was messed up.

@Mee Thank you. I am trying in so many areas of my life to deal with this stuff. It’s just not going away.

@Still Standing I am so glad that you were able to approach your dad and you had that opportunity. I think that is so important to get a sense of closure. That is the reason I think I need to do it.
I also think that what you said about approaching it in a way that she is a victim to is helpful. I usually do look at it that way. Sometimes though I think that is what hurts me because I am so afraid of hurting other people that I never say anything and hold back because of it. Then I end up hurting myself. See my last post about my therapist/best friend.