Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[dulcia]

Yay, @courelly!! Glad to hear you have an ally in your T.

 

[courelly]

@courelly im so glad your t is wise to him. You will need nerves of steel for aw...

What you said about triggering fights is so true. The tension builds over a couple of days, and I know it's going to happen eventually. I used to not notice it and it felt like his temper came out of nowhere, but you eventually learn the patterns. Sometimes I make a simple ask even though I know where it's headed - "hey, are you ok? anything wrong?" - and sometimes I'll make a semi-antagonistic comment like, "you're acting weird and abrasive." If I call him out for taking out his bad mood on me, he immediately says I'm personalizing, and that becomes his new reason to be angry vs. whatever it was before. Then if I stay in the room or the house, I should expect some level of boundary-crossing escalation.

Anyway, I'm tired of the cycle. At this point, even if he quit this behavior completely tomorrow (which we all know he won't), it doesn't feel recoverable for me after years of it. He says I'm villainizing him and that he's working so hard on it in therapy, but continues to say "we both" have so much to work on in order to achieve peaceful communication. I'm willing to accept that I could be wrong (maybe that's the problem), but I don't believe this is something we both have to work on. I believe this is on him, that he presents conflict in a rude and often aggressive way, and that my response to his behavior is not a rejection of his feelings like he says but a drawing of healthy boundaries.

Sorry, I went on a complete rant there. I feel like I'm processing this every single day now, perpetually, whether it's online, in group therapy, in individual counseling, with friends, or in my own head, lol. Thank you for helping to trigger more thoughts for me to work through.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Ah but Courelly that's what these bastards do they deliberately make you blame yourself and second guess yourself and doubt yourself so you won't look at them and realise and accept its them with the problem. Because these abusers don't want to take ownership or responsibility for their abuse of you. To them you're just a handy scapegoat who they can dump their shit on to make themselves look and feel better...its called projection darling and your bloke sounds like a bloody expert in that sick game just like mine was. I bet he's also a liar and gaslighter as well too like mine was? Honestly they mess with your head and feelings so much you end up thinking and feeling you're going bloody crazy. They want you to think and feel crazy so they can point the finger at you and make out to you and others you're the mad bad sad one in the equation. It's all done to cover up the hideous truth of they mistreat you behind closed doors and to discredit you so nobody will believe you when you do start speaking your truth to outsiders. Because they want power and control over you and they want to carry on abusing you and they want to get away with abusing you while they are at it too love. And they want it to be so that you have nobody else to turn to for help who will believe you. This is classic narcissistic abuse. Please research narcissists and Sociopaths courelly and I hope the knowledge you gain about your horrible bloke will empower you to finally get free and stay free of him. My ex abuser also used to tell me we were both at fault and it wasn't just him just like yours does. It's a LIE sweetie. Don't buy into his bullshit anymore. And please keep talking about this as much as you need to about his abuse of you here and in real life. We're here for you babes we KNOW first hand what you're dealing with and if I can escape a domestic despot like your abuser so can YOU. A big squishy ((((hug)))) for you darling you're doing great hang in there love B xx

 

[scout86]

it doesn't feel recoverable for me after years of it.

That's totally legitimate. Even in a relationship with no pathologies, there can be a point that's a bridge too far. It's fine that he's working on his issues. He can apply that to his next relationship and plan to do better, without all the baggage. You don't have to forgive and forget stuff you don't want to. It's perfectly ok to leave and make a fresh start.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

I think him working on his issues is just an act to stop courelly kicking him into touch myself. That's what my abusive ex did and he also faked illness to get me to stay with him. But I could be wrong as I'm just an outsider looking in. Only courelly really knows what she's up against and yeah scout86 you're right even if her bloke isn't a narcissistic asshat there does come a time when you realise enough is enough and you just can't take anymore of it and you know they are never going to change for the better and there's just too much water under the bridge. Whatever the case may be courelly is definitely better off without this jerk in her life. I think we can all agree on that lol :)

 

[courelly]

Ah but Courelly that's what these bastards do they deliberately make you blame yourself and second...

Thanks for the validation. Yes, he is a gaslighter too. If I tell him his behavior is boundary-crossing or that I'm scared of him, he invalidates my experience and says that the things I do are "just as bad." He's gone as far as to say that I abuse him, too. I asked him if he's ever been scared of me, or felt that I might harm him, and even though the answer to that question is no, it comes with a lot of deflection and turning the tables. You're right, he is an expert - he'd have to be, since he doesn't have an actual job and relies on me to pay the bills. Keeping me under thumb is certainly very lucrative!

I think him working on his issues is just an act to stop courelly kicking him into touch myself. T...

You might be right about this. You can be in therapy and still not address anything you really need to work on. He's said that himself, and it's why he says he avoided individual therapy for so long. He considers his mother to be a narcissist, and feels that she's used therapists as a way to justify unhealthy life choices rather than take a hard look at herself. There is a pattern of him criticizing his mother for behaviors he's definitely guilty of, so I could see that as another parallel.

That's totally legitimate. Even in a relationship with no pathologies, there can be a point that's a br...

Thank you. I love this, and I need to remind myself of it over and over. It's great if he wants to be better, but my forgiveness is mine to give. He doesn't get to determine if I offer it or not.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

That thing your bloke does with his mum courelly? Mine used to do that to me. It's the old 'denial twist project' game again but just another version of it. At least I am working on my problems but my ex would never even consider therapy for himself. In his warped mind all of the issues between us were down to me and my 'poor lifestyle choices' rather than 'taking a long hard look at myself' and that I was the 'abuser' and he was just 'reacting' to me!! Which I know now is a complete pile of horse shit. It's what these bastards do hun. They are so busy looking at you just so they don't have to look at themselves. It sounds to me that your bloke is just paying 'lip service' to going to counselling himself just to be seen to be 'playing the game' when really he hasn't changed at all and indeed has no intention of changing at all. He just wants to keep you where you are ie tied to him and bloody miserable with it. Because HE is miserable himself but won't admit it even to himself let alone you or anyone else including his counsellor but instead he would rather YOU be miserable not him. Yet MORE projection on his part courelly. Because misery just loves company but he'd rather you feel his own misery than feel it himself. More scapegoating. Oh and my ex leeched off me financially for years as well. Just another example of these bastards use and exploit their victims to bleed us dry because they are so empty inside and have nothing worth giving of themselves either to a job or their long suffering partners. You mentioned deflection as well courelly. Mine was so good at that he should have been a politician or a lawyer!!! He definitely missed his vocation in life lol :) As for forgiveness well..... You can really only forgive a person if they repent show genuine remorse take responsibility and not only ask for forgiveness but show with their actions not just their words a willingness to make amends for the harm they've caused you. My ex certainly never did any of that and it seems your bloke is cut from the same cloth as him love :( you do have my empathy and understanding courelly love. In the end with mine I felt like I was banging my head up against a brick wall. Hoping so much he would improve but all I did end up with was a bloody blinding headache not to mention heartache :( and with my self confidence self esteem and even my sanity in shreds on the bloody floor :( so I get it hun I really do. Bless ya ((((hugs)))) if you want them darling xx

 

[mumstheword]

Ah but Courelly that's what these bastards do they deliberately make you blame yourself and second...

This sounds almost exactly like my ex, only he didn't even take ownership of any part of it. I was apparently just the "crazy" one and he was guiltless, blameless and in fact a pretty saintly guy that I "victimized". The twisted, mind games and how they bent my mind is nearly unbelievable, but I went through it from 16 (he was literally twice my age) and even after leaving him at 37, I have had more years of him hurting me by hurting the children's minds and alienating them from me via his lies and twisted distortions. Luckily we are getting there and my kids are coming back to me.
I wish I've been able to leave earlier but I guess I wouldn't have been mum to so many if I had, so it's not all bad.
It takes lots to recover from though.
Sending you strength @courelly , this is no small undertaking, to get away from him. I just want you safe and free.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Mumstheword my ex turned my eldest son into an abuser like himself poisoned the boy against me and worked in partnership with him to try to put me in a nuthouse or an early grave. My ex also had me believing his bullshit about him 'not hurting' either of my kids and that they were the liars not him as it really was. Without me even realising it he used me to verbally and emotionally abuse the kid I had with him my youngest son and to find out where he was living.

My eldest son told me when he was 13 that my ex really had abused him but I denied him because of my ex' lies. Without realising it at the time that's when my eldest son gave up trying not to be abusive in his own right. 3 years later he contacted his other childhood abuser his grandmother my mum behind my back and also started seeing my ex again also behind my back. Because without me realising it my mum and my ex were actually second cousins (a fact that's only come to light recently) who were part of the same paedophile ring and it was my mum who sent my ex after me and my eldest son when we returned to my home town following the break up of my marriage to my eldest son's dad to 'sort me out' control me and ultimately destroy me. That's when my eldest son was turned and used against me by those two bastards.

They also put him up to raping and molesting his younger kid brother (my youngest kid my trans son--who still identified as female at the time) and yes that was done to hurt me too when I eventually realised that had happened recently. My youngest kid knew if I didn't believe him about his dad my ex abusing him then I wasn't going to believe him over his older brother either. This is what lead to our estrangement and alienation coming up 5 years ago.

I jogged my eldest son due to his psychological and financial abuse of me 15 months ago and now I know what he also did to my youngest son I don't ever want to see or speak to him again or my ex or my mum. The good news is I've let my youngest son know I totally believe him about both his dad and his older brother now and that they are all including his grandmother dead to me now and that's how it's staying and that he is all that matters to me now and that I'm going to do all I can to make amends to him for not believing him for years and allowing myself (however unwittingly) to be used by his dad to hurt him emotionally.

We are now slowly working towards a reconciliation as he has accepted my heartfelt apology and has forgiven me but it will take time because he needs to see he can trust and rely on me 1000% now and that I'm not going to flip back into denial again like I did before when I was still drinking and drugging. His dad my ex deliberately enabled my addictions and battered me so my focus would be on him and I'd be too scared and unaware to see what he was doing to both my kids under my very nose and behind my back for all those years until my kids were taken into care and the blame for it was laid at my feet by my ex and my mum for being an 'unfit' parent myself so the police and social services wouldn't look at them. It didn't help that there were bent coppers and social workers involved in our case who unbeknownst to me until recently were part of the same paedophile ring my mum ex brothers other cousins and now my eldest son are still in.

Sorry for all that autobiography and I didn't mean to hijack courelly's post at all but I just wanted to confirm and validate mumsthewords truth about how these bastards employ divide and conquer tactics to alienate family members from each other and all the sick evil games they play to achieve the aim of having total power and control over their victims.

I'm sorry my case was such an extreme example of what these nasty abusers do and I know I'm not the only one on here who has suffered a similar fate. I hope my story has helped in some small way but my point is good things can do and will happen for you courelly if you get that man out of your life like what's happening with me and mumstheword and our kids now. If we can achieve safety and freedom love you most certainly can :) stay strong be brave be wise :) bless ya B xx

 

[courelly]

Mumstheword my ex turned my eldest son into an abuser like himself poisoned the boy against me and...

What happened to your eldest son is exactly what happened to my partner. He was violently abused by his stepdad, who also abused his mom. He was the only child in their family who experienced physical abuse - the stepdad basically reserved it all for him - and his mom both minimized and denied the experience because she was being manipulated. The stepdad ended up breaking her wrist, and after that she got away from him completely. By then, the stepdad had already groomed my partner into his sidekick, and instead of placing blame for his abuse on his stepdad, my partner placed it all on his mom. When he talks about it, I still hear him minimize his own experience of abuse as well as his mom's. He often says that "they both" have things to own (familiar narrative), and says that his mom ruined his stepdad's life. They were both school teachers at the time, and she outed him in their small community for being addicted to pills, so he lost his job. I don't know what her intentions were with that, but I imagine that it was related to extricating herself somehow and making others aware of her situation. Half her community turned on her completely, including my partner.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this with your eldest son. I can't imagine how hard it is, and I always feel such deep empathy for my partner's mom. He refused to talk to her at all at his own sibling's wedding, and I've been instructed to block her on all social media and not speak with her.

I'm also very sorry about what happened to your youngest son. I know that my situation is hard, but I can't imagine what it's like to have children involved. It's not your fault. Much love to you for facing these challenges.

 

[blackemerald1]

and I've been instructed to block her on all social me

@courelly - I assume this is your current partner - the one you are wanting to leave..giving you the above instructions? I think this is just another red flag.

I hope you clear your cache and have put good barriers in place regarding all of internet activities. And any other activities where you are receiving support that he might not like you getting.

I am pleased you are getting counselling about how to exit this relationship.

Highly likely that your husband will find something 'wrong' with this counsellor once he realises he is no longer in total control and more so when he see's or suspects you are receiving support that he is not privy to.

Please be very careful and stay safe.

 

[courelly]

@courelly - I assume this is your current partner - the one you are wanting to...

Yes, that's him. At a certain point, he also requested that I block the siblings he was in a fight with. And then later on, he got mad at me for not following a sibling's fiance on social media, and said it reflected that I was not interested in their lives.

He's ironically not one to snoop through my stuff, ever, but regardless I clear my browser activity and password protect everything. I don't want to take any chances.