Shared some details in t, now feel very needy of t?

[hithere]

Today I shared the most I've ever shared concerning some specifics and dynamics of a traumatic memory and the aftermath on my life. I've been doing therapy for over a year! I shared today and I did not dissociate. Also, I am not using SI to cope with these feelings. (probably for the first time in my life) Now several hours after my session I feel these intense feelings of needing to talk to my T and it feels like I just need to know that the T is still there. I do not like this. It's bordering on torment. Has anyone felt this way after sharing more personal details in your session? I'm trying no use anything like food or drugs or alcohol, also. I have this feeling like I don't know what is going to happen to me.

 

[Overcoming]

What you're feeling isn't abnormal. Couple of questions to consider (1) was your T's response more compassionate than what you experienced post-trauma previously? (2) have you had a history of situations that have left you feeling like it's hard to trust? That raw vulnerability can be scary and make one anxious. Be at peace though. It is understandable.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I identify with your description of how you feel post therapy. It was explained to me that sharing a secret that I was supposed to take to my grave requires incredible courage and trust. Two characteristics that I never had before starting therapy. So now you’re on the other side. And it is overwhelming place where you are. Longing for the SI the drugs it’s all in our wheelhouse, but it’s time to use positive coping skills. You may need to see your t sooner than later. I usually make a 2 hour appt when I want to unload something in the vault of secrecy. Sometimes I cave and overmedicate. Haven’t cut for years but I get tattoos and it’s to get that endorphin rush cutting gives me. You’re doing a great job of opening up your story and reaching out to us to see you through. You are stronger and wiser than you know. If you have a lot of free floating anxiety in general, I recommend that you try a few sessions of Reiki. It is very grounding and relaxing. It’s a good healthy alternative to SI or drugs or food. It opens up your soul that’s been locked away, and once it’s restored, everything seems possible.

 

[Joan]

I can totally relate to what you are feeling. For me I know part of it is fueled by shame and fear that my T (or other person) will look at me differently after sharing personal things. Do you have email access to your T? Well done trying to use your skills to cope!

 

[hithere]

What you're feeling isn't abnormal. Couple of questions to consider (1) was your T's response more c...

Thank you for your response Overcoming. Your questions are very thought-provoking. Actually I tried to share this specific memory/scenario more than half a year ago for the first time. The response from this T was probably the worst response I could ever get from anyone. I'm actually crying about just remembering it. It threw me into intense SI that took me over two months to recover. They told me repeatedly over the months that they don't feel any empathy for me concerning the memory. Yet-just because they don't feel any caring or empathic feelings doesn't mean they don't want to help me. So, then I tried to share it again a couple months later and I got zero response. Just nothing. So later when I told them I was hurt that I get no response, they terminated me. that was probably the most painful experience of my entire life. They had also previously told me that if they ever terminated me that they would get my input about it, but that is not what happened at all. They just said, "i quit." The reason for that was because I said I was hurt. So they said since I feel hurt I needed terminated. That made me feel like I couldn't really trust what they say. So, Then a couple weeks later they changed their mind and we started a different kind of therapy. so here I am. Of course I'm painfully insecure. wow. Thanks for asking me those questions.

I can totally relate to what you are feeling. For me I know part of it is fueled by shame and fear that m...

Thank you so much. This really helps. This t does not allow me to contact via email or phone calls between sessions. Also insists i stick to once a week. it's really hard actually. painfully hard. Thanks for the support. So far tonight I've cooked, hung on the internet, but no drugs of SI. really hope I don't go down that slope again.

I identify with your description of how you feel post therapy. It was explained to me that sharing...

Thank you. Your response means a lot to me.

 

[Suzetig]

It’s a really normal feeling - I’ve so been there, for me it comes from fear that she’ll see me differently, be disgusted by me or not want to work with me and it’s artachme driven in that I feel like a child wanting to check her mummy still know she’s there.

It sounds like she responded well to you, and is committed to working through this with you, though it might be hard for you to trust that. I know something that helped me was journaling - I would write down everything I would say to her if I could see her and then I could decide to share it or not when I did see her. Have you asked about scheduling a second session if you need it (as opposed to having two sessions booked every week). I know my T wouldn’t be keen to book me in twice s week as a matter of course, but always fits me in if I need to see her between sessions.

Good work in distracting yourself, sometimes that the only way to get through.

 

[Rumors]

Today I shared the most I've ever shared concerning some specifics and dynamics of a traumatic memory a...

Yep... It leaves me feeling like my therapist will throw me out after I share something because I am disgusting. At that moment, it is the lonliest place ever. I don't like it and it makes me not want to share, but I try and have some faith. I'm sorry! Sending support

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Rumors lonely is the perfect word

 

[hithere]

It sounds like she responded well to you, and is committed to working through this with you, though it might be hard for you to trust that.

Thanks for responding. It means a lot actually! I think the fact that this T had a reaction to me the first time I tried to share it a year ago (they started accusing me of criticizing them, hurting their feelings, causing them stress, and distress-it was extremely hurtful! They wouldn't even talk about the original event), then I tried to tell it to them again a few months later & I felt hurt when they did not say anything about it, just ignored it. So I shared I was hurt by no response and they terminated me for telling them I was hurt. They said since this is hurtful for you, I'm obligated to terminate you. I cannot describe the pain of this. They gave several sessions for after the termination so it wasn't just a "don't come back here." (though I think they were hoping I wouldn't come back) they just said on such and such a day I am stopping and not going any further with you. You have this many sessions and then it's over. Then they changed their mind about terminating me. So i tried this third time. it went a little better this time--but I think the pain of loneliness of the original memory stored in the cells of my body come seeping out. Then, combine that with the two previous reactions of this same T to this same traumatic event. Also I tried to tell another T about this event 20 years ago and he mocked me--his words still ring in my ears to this day. I don't think these people understand the dynamics of the traumatic event. Lonliness is the perfect word for it.

 

[Still Standing]

May I ask why you have stayed with these therapists for so long after having little support or compassionate understanding of your trauma? Are somehow locked into them? Are you able to located a trauma-based psychologist or therapist in your are that you could partner with? From what you share you are in a tenuous situation that breeds distrust, uncertainty, and further upset. This does nothing to guide you into a healing environment. I am so sorry that you are struggling with your T's. I so hope you have other counseling options available to you in your community.

 

[hithere]

I have only had this one T for past year that I have tried three times to share-it's been a rocky road. I stay with this therapist because I have a severe abandonment issue. I keep trying to correct this relationship. Also there have been healing moments in my therapy. Once we started internal family systems it seems to have become a little more easy-that's why I could share more but I feel totally overwhelmed. Over 20 years ago the therapist who mocked me about this event (his comments were so hurtful I did not even dare try to tell anyone again for 20 years, LOL) That therapist did terminate me permanently. It was very painful and never really recovered entirely from that.I had a loving psychiatrist at that time, so I survived that 20 years ago. I was only on meds for about a year-so I only saw my psychiatrist monthly for a year. I wish I still had him to go to for help. Unfortunately, he passed away last year.

 

[hithere]

May I ask why you have stayed with these therapists for so long after having little support or compassionate understanding of your trauma? Are somehow locked into them? Are you able to located a trauma-based psychologist or therapist in your are that you could partner with? From what you share you are in a tenuous situation that breeds distrust, uncertainty, and further upset. This does nothing to guide you into a healing environment. I am so sorry that you are struggling with your T's. I so hope you have other counseling options available to you in your community.

Thank you so much for this. It's very helpful. This is exactly how it feels: uncertainty--thank you. I couldn't name what I was feeling. It is uncertainty. It also did not feel fair that the counselor could their feelings of frustration and stress, but if I share my feelings of hurt I have the consequence of being terminated. It doesn't feel very equal in the relationship. This causes me a lot of anxiety in sharing. If I ask for assurance, it just makes them weary of constantly being asked.